I(M26) uninvited my girlfriend(F25) from a family trip due to her actions after she bought my mom a gift. Did I go too far?

The situation revolves around a conflict between a man (26M) and his girlfriend (25F) after a family gathering. His mom, who lives in a different country, had come to visit. The girlfriend bought his mom a purse during a shopping trip and made several comments about it, which came off as arrogant and uncomfortable to the family.

Despite the good intentions behind the gift, her behavior triggered tension. After the dinner, the boyfriend pulled her aside, and while she apologized, the family remained put off. He then decided to uninvite her from an upcoming trip, leading to her being upset.

‘ I(M26) uninvited my girlfriend(F25) from a family trip due to her actions after she bought my mom a gift. Did I go too far ?’

For context, my girlfriend and I have been together for just under a year. My mom lives in a different country and came to visit my siblings and I. My mom had met my girlfriend before, but she didn’t know that she was my girlfriend.

This time around, I let her know that she was my girlfriend (although my sister already beat me to it). My girlfriend brought up that she would like to spend time with my mom, and I thought that it’d be a fine idea. Before I explain what happened,

I want to bring up that there’s been something that I’ve told my girlfriend that she needs to work on, and it’s her humility. She comes off as arrogant and it’s been an issue for us in the past. When she does something for someone, she HAS to make it known, and makes it known in a way as if they were incapable of doing it themselves.

My girlfriend and mom went to the mall together with my sister later joining them. I texted/called them a few hours in, and everything seemed to be going great. When they came back there was a little tension, but I thought that it could’ve just been fatigue.

My mom and sisters cooked a meal, all of us sat down and up until this point I thought the trip to the mall was okay. While they were cooking, my girlfriend explained to me how the mall went, and mentioned she bought a purse for my mom, which I thought was a great gesture.

This is where the problems stemmed from. She kept talking about the fact that she bought my mom a purse. Apparently it had started in the mall when my sister met up with them. In fact, my mom tried to buy the purse and even tried to give my girlfriend the money to cover it.

She went on and on at the dinner table about it, and even if she meant well, she came off as extremely arrogant and it was uncomfortable. I didn’t appreciate it and pulled her aside. She did apologize, but everyone’s a little put off by her and by seeing it from their side, I can’t exactly blame them.

We’re all supposed to do a short trip and although I haven’t officially invited my girlfriend, we’ve discussed heavily about her coming. I told her that right now, I do not think it’s the best time for her to go on a trip with us due to everything and she’s extremely upset.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

UsuallyWrite2 −  It sounds like this has been a known issue all along. The purpose of dating is to see if it’s a good fit. People aren’t projects. This is how she is. If you don’t feel like you can take her on a trip with your family because of her behavior, maybe it’s not a good fit?

Carsenaavery −  I think you should be single

Stellaaahhhh −  OP, could you possibly give us some examples, or tell us exactly what was said rather than just ‘she’s arrogant’ and ‘she kept bringing it up’. It would be helpful.

sanguinepsychologist −  Here’s the thing, kiddo. You’re an adult. You get to make any choices you want, but all choices carry consequences and you are choosing those consequences when you make your choices.

The consequences of this decision will be ranging between a strain on the relationship and a breakup, heavily leaning towards the latter. Adults date other adults to find a person they like and want to build a life with. When adults choose their person, no other adult in their life gets a say in that relationship.

Your family do not have to like the adult you’ve chosen, but once you choose them, you are expected to *choose them*, over everyone else. And when you don’t, those adults walk away and find someone that does. If you don’t like your girlfriend, why are you with her ? This is the person that she is.

Yes, she can work on this part of her personality, but only for herself – not to please you or gain your family’s approval. And she’s certainly not going to do any work when you’re busy punishing her for her “bad behaviour”. If you are ready to uninvite her from your family events, you have no business being with her in the first place.

Susgatuan −  The last sentence holds way more value than you have let on. How did this conversation go and what was said? If you are using the word “arrogant” to describe her behavior than you are having more of an argument than a conversation. Did you tell her why you think it is a bad time?

Did you give her the opportunity to explain herself and communicate her perspective? You are, by no means, required to take her with. But as other have mentioned, you can’t have it both ways.

You are sacrificing a relationship regardless of your decision here. However, I feel there is a lot of communication that either hasn’t been had or hasn’t been laid out here.

RubyJuneRocket −  Do you even like your girlfriend? It doesn’t sound like you do. It sounds like she’s “too much” for you, so you’re constantly watching her behavior because it makes you uncomfortable.  I honestly can’t tell if you’re overreacting or if she’s behaving poorly because of how you’ve written this,

cause you could be right or you could be controlling, but either way, it doesn’t really matter, you can’t control someone else’s behavior – if you feel anxious because of your girlfriend’s behavior – that’s your own issue.

If your anxiety is making it so you feel that it is acceptable to scold your girlfriend for her behavior like you’re her parent? That’s not OK. The way you’ve spoken here, you sound like your her dad “I’ve told her about this before”, okay but who put you in charge?

You can set boundaries for yourself “I will leave the room if you start bragging” or whatever, but you do not get to control her actions or behavior.

Accomplished_Cake965 −  I’ve told my girlfriend that she needs to work on, and it’s her humility So you already know this part of who she is, which is how she behaves that comes off as arrogant or is probably really arrogant. But you’re still with her anyway? Why is that.

Your gf is 25 years old. She’s not a child. it’s obvious that this is a part of her by now. She can change that part of herself IF she wants to for HERSELF and not for anyone else.

This might sound kind of harsh but if you’re just going uninvite her to family related events because she sometimes behaves in a way that you and your family don’t like then you shouldn’t be her boyfriend then.

_eclectic_eel −  This sounds like a cultural difference. You actually still haven’t explained what your girlfriend was actually saying or why she comes off as “arrogant”. Too much information and context left out of this post that heavily favors your perspective without identifying anything she actually said.

Sounds like you want to be validated and told you’re right without giving her a fair chance. I think you should be more explanatory. If we can’t figure out the situation then it’s safe to say your girlfriend is probably equally confused.

clacujo −  Those are the actions of someone who grew up feeling unnapretiated. She will constantly look for attention and validation.

lailasymone −  I really don’t like how OP hasn’t responded to anyone asking for examples of how she’s talking about the purse or other examples of being arrogant.