I’m not sure my long term partner is right for me anymore

A Reddit user (31M) shares his growing doubts about his relationship with his partner (29F), whom he’s been with for 8 years. Despite their shared history and love for each other, their differences have become more apparent over time.

The user feels they’ve grown in different directions, with him becoming more active and outdoorsy while she remains more sedentary. While he loves her deeply and still feels emotionally connected, he’s unsure if they are right for each other anymore.

He’s seeking advice on whether to work on their relationship or move on to find someone more compatible with his current self. Read the original story below to learn more about his struggles.

‘ I’m not sure my long term partner is right for me anymore’

I (31m) am no longer sure if my partner (29f) is right for me anymore, we have been together for 8 years. We met when I was 23, I was a geeky but ahtletic boy and she was a geeky girl so we had a lot of interests in common, I had a few hobbies and she had none but at that age that didn’t seem so important, will come back to this later.

After having met in our early twenties the past 8 years have changed us both, probably me more than her. We are both still geeky but I have developed lots of outdoor hobbies and more sports hobbies and she still has no hobbies.

I have always been someone who likes to be active and do lots of stuff and she has always been someone who likes to lounge all day, stay at home doing nothing, over time I have become even more interested in doing activities and she has become even more interested in just staying at home all day being comfortable.

She has never been very good at making friends and so I have been the major provider of social life for her, which I do enjoy spending time with her but I think there is an extent past which it feels a bit suffocating and we don’t really have so much to talk about as everything she does is something she does because I’m doing it and taking her along with me.

She has lots of good attributes, she is sweet, she is kind, she has a good sense of humour, we both like g**k culture and the same music and TV shows and films, she is beautiful and has a great smile that lights the whole room,

she makes me feel loved, she is very good at doing the day to day stuff that keeps life moving and my daily life is definitely enriched by being with her and we have a great s** life together. Some of the bad points though are that being as she doesn’t have many friends I am always supporting her,

and she has needed lots of emotional support over the years. On the rare occasion I’ve needed emotional support she doesn’t really make much effort and often is more concerned with her own problems,

for example I lost two friends recently a day apart and rather than helping me grieve instead I ended up having to comfort her because she had a sore leg. I like being active and doing stuff and going outdoors to do outdoorsy things and she never wants to do anything (especially outdoorsy things)

so when I suggest we do something together we often end up doing nothing. She is very pessimistic and negative and very much things are good with her when times are good but when they are not she compounds the hard times by being very difficult to be around.

Whenever she is upset or has a bad day at work she vents it out on me by being passive aggressive towards me. She doesn’t appreciate my hard work whenever I do big renovation projects around the house, which I understand is also for myself but would be nice if she at least acknowledged the hard work I have put in,

instead it’s just a footnote a lot of the time to her. We cannot discuss anything ever because once she has made her point she says “I am done with this now” and won’t listen to my point. I would never have questioned our relationship as we had such great chemistry and we were definitely at first always really alike,

people always would say we were the perfect couple and that they wish they had what we have and my family and friends love her (which I find makes me feel a bit trapped in our relationship by other people’s opinions because i feel like ending it would let them down).

A year ago for about 6 months she had a medical condition and became even more negative, she would vent her unhappiness on me even more than ever and I considered leaving her many times,

but didn’t to help support her through her ailment thinking to myself when she got better I would end it, however she got better and was back to her old self, still passive aggressive and negative at times but much less than before.

However the seed of doubt was sown during that time, and while the chemistry has recovered it has never been the same as it was and the “rose tinted goggles” have forever left me. I find myself more and more interested in other women when I would never have even considered it before.

I love her still and I care about her a lot, but I’m just not sure if we want the same things anymore and don’t know if we are right for each other anymore. I really don’t know what I want anymore and I sway between thinking I should leave and thinking myself a fool for even considering it.

I don’t know if what I need to do is to work harder to make the relationship work or do I need to find someone else better suited to the person I have become. Any advice or things to help me with my perspective would be much appreciated..

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

OmarLoves07 −  From what you’ve said, it definitely sounds like it would be worth putting some effort into communicating your issues first and foremost. There’s a great foundation – those positives are worth fighting for.

If you honestly list out these issues you have, see how she responds. If she can’t have the difficult conversations or she shows she’s not interested in improving then you have your answer.

L0veConnects −  If we are in a relationship that one partner is not committed to growth, it stifles our growth and that I a form of self harm. We are intended to keep learning and moving forward. Sometimes partners grow at a separate pace, that’s OK…we can always catch us but the commonality is they both are doing the work.

When one partner doesn’t, it’s natural to out grow the relationship altogether.. Staying in it, will hurt. Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Most are there to teach us lessons about ourselves and what we truly want. Change hurts but it’s needed to become a better version of yourself.

When relationships evolve, sometimes it’s hard to recognize whether we’re growing together or apart. Do you think it’s possible to reignite the spark, or do we outgrow certain connections over time? What factors should we consider when deciding whether to move forward or let go? Share your thoughts below!