I’m a Korean female (24) in an interracial relationship with a white male (29) and struggling with identity issues

A Redditor opened up about their struggle with identity as a Korean female adopted into a white family and now in an interracial relationship with their white fiancé. As marriage and children become a reality, deep-seated emotions about culture, identity, and representation are resurfacing, leaving them feeling conflicted and longing for a sense of belonging. Read the full story below.

‘ I’m a Korean female (24) in an interracial relationship with a white male (29) and struggling with identity issues’

I’ve met my soulmate. He’s amazing, I’m crazy in love.. But the closer we get to marriage and children, the more resentful I become. I’m sad and resentful, at no one and everyone, and I’m struggling with how to come to terms with it. He’s white, I’m Korean. We’ve talked about race on multiple occasions.

He’s even brought it up by asking what it was like to live in the US as an Asian female. He listened to my experience and asked a lot of questions. He’s the first non-minority I’ve ever dated who has made me feel heard and understood. He also has a million other wonderful traits, I love him very much and I’m so excited to have found the person I want to share my life with.

However, the more serious we get, the more frequently I experience episodes of anxiety about identity. I’m a Korean female adopted into a white family. My parents are white, my siblings are white, my extended family is white, my adorable little nieces and nephews are white, and I am almost always the only Asian person in whatever room I am in.

I struggled with identity issues as a child (I learned how to use makeup to make me look ‘more white’, I stuffed my bra, hated my hips, begged my mom to let me dye my hair and buy contacts, etc…). With age and a lot of therapy I finally feel comfortable with who I am… and now I’m in a relationship with a 6ft tall ginger.

He’s beautiful and I love him, but he looks nothing like me… and I fear that neither will our children. Maybe I’m wrong, but after using Google Images, I’m imaging slightly ‘exotic’ looking white children. I’m sure they’ll be absolutely adorable and I’ll love them to pieces, but they won’t look Asian.

When I thought about my life, I always imagined having children and I always imagined them being Asian. The idea of finally living in a home where there are people who look like me has brought me comfort for so long… and now I’m realizing that it may never become a reality. My partner and I do plan to adopt.

We want to experience pregnancy by having one biological child and then adopt the rest. Adoption is very important to me, but we’re interested in adopting children who would otherwise grow up without a family- which means foster children and not the private adoption of Asian infants.

The likelihood of us coming upon an Asian foster child who is available for adoption is quite small. I’ve spent my whole life being ‘the other’ and now even the child who grows in my womb won’t look like me. It feels like a d**th in the family. It feels like I’m grieving this life that will never be and it’s bringing up a lot of pain I thought I had moved past.

I don’t know how to feel. I am incredibly sad about the idea of not having an Asian child, but at the same time I feel like his/her life would be better if he/she didn’t have to grow up as ‘the other’ in a predominantly white country. I love my family, I have no regrets about being adopted. They’re incredible and have surrounded me with so much love and support.

I love my boyfriend, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him… but I have so much anger and hurt inside of me that I’m always the friggin Asian girl. I hate being the only Asian in the room. I hate being the only Asian in my family. I hate it.

I hate that I stand out in whatever group I’m in, and now I’m realizing that there will probably be a family portrait hanging above our fireplace of my white husband, our white children, and me. I just reread this before posting, and it has a lot of anger.

I just want to be clear that I have moments of anger and pain, but most of the time I’m happy and excited to start my life with him… it’s just rubbing old wounds that feel really raw. I feel stupid and petty putting it in writing, but the pain is real and I want to be able to move past it. Has anyone been in a similar experience? I would love any insight.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

lovebigbundtscantlie −  I think one way to solve this feeling of “otherness” is to meet and hang out with other Korean people. if you were to explore your heritage more it might help you feel less alienated and more confident.

A lot of first and second generation immigrants have this fear of losing themselves to white or American culture and I think talking to them might give you some answers to your problems.

Also, if you become more confident in yourself and what makes being Korean special you may not be so scared about losing Korean physical features in your children especially if you have other Korean people around that you and them can see yourselves in.

Inevitable_Citron −  Being ginger is a recessive trait, to be clear. Your kids are far more likely to look like you than their father. But fundamentally, is that what is really important? You’ll love them because they are yours and his, not because of what they look like. I’m sure that’s how your adoptive parents feel about you.

I’m sorry about your struggles with identity. I’m white but I grew up in Asia and I often feel more comfortable around Asian people and in Asian environments. Moving back to the US was tough for me. I once attended an Asian student event at my university for an hour by mistake.

I didn’t realize there was anything unusual going on. Let me tell you, dating someone else isn’t going to fix that identity issue. It’s gotta be something that you determine internally.

[Reddit User] −  Please don’t depend on your children to solve your personal issues. Please work on your mental health and continue therapy if you stopped. It’s unfair you have set up so much expectation of the children you haven’t even had yet,

and unfair to your partner that you are scared they might look like him. Please do not bring children into this world until you are prepared to love them for more than how they will help you solve your identity issues by what they look like.

[Reddit User] −  You won’t lose yourself especially since you are in a loving relationship. And when you do have kids, they will always have an imprint of you, your DNA, in them. They might not entirely be like you ethnically speaking, but we are more than the color of our skin and the ethnicity we have been born into.

I of course cannot dictate how you should feel, but please try to release some of the pent-up anger. I’m sure these people you’re surrounded by see you more than just being the “Asian girl.”

kristof_csaja −  I’m half white half asian and people notice it instantly all the time. Genetics can be tricky – maybe your kids will look very very asian, maybe not, even between me and my siblings there are many differences. Some of us even look more asian than our dad!

Your child will more than likely look a lot like you, but even if they won’t, they will still have your gestures and use of words. I highly doubt you would stand out with them around:)

Solgiest −  This is not at all a healthy mindset for having kids. They aren’t an accessory or a vanity project. And even if they don’t look like you, you’ll be the one raising them. They take in your values and act like you, at least until they become adults and grow into their own individuals more and more.

DutchNDutch −  I find this a bit conflicting… Scared the kid is not asian/korean enough? What if a white person has a child with a black person and complains about the kid not being white enough?

That would be frowned upon, to say the least. I think you are probably going to project your personal issues unto the future kid, which would be sad. Try to tackle down the personal issues by talking to professional.

[Reddit User] −  Just be careful that whoever your kids are, you let them be themselves because no matter what you want them to look like, no matter who their father is, they will look like themselves and be their unique selves and live their own individual lives. We don’t get to determine most of our children’s identity. They determine it themselves.

facts_not_emotions −  You are an irrational emotional mess. Why are you so obsessed with race? You are worried that your kids wont look like you but you want to adopt? You should open up to your husband about all these crazy feelings so he knows what he is getting into.

Merked5018 −  I’m half Korean and I look way more like my Asian parent than my white parent.

How would you navigate the balance between personal identity and family aspirations in an interracial relationship? Do you think there are ways to preserve cultural heritage while embracing a blended family? Share your thoughts and experiences below!