I’m a Father of Three, and Now I’m Being Asked to Raise My Wife’s Nieces – I’m Overwhelmed and Guilt-Ridden. What Should I Do?

A Reddit user (36M) shares the heart-wrenching dilemma of being asked to take custody of his wife’s nieces (8 and 6F), whose grandparents can no longer care for them due to health issues. With three children of his own (10, 7, and 5), he’s overwhelmed by the prospect of raising two more kids but feels immense guilt about sending them to foster care. Read the full story below:

‘ I’m a Father of Three, and Now I’m Being Asked to Raise My Wife’s Nieces – I’m Overwhelmed and Guilt-Ridden. What Should I Do?’

I am 36 years old, I have been married for 12 years to my wife who is 33. We have a 10 year old girl, a 7 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. My wife has a younger sister who is an absolute train wreck and basket case. She is 29 and has already been married and divorced twice. She has Borderline Personality disorder and is an a**oholic.

She has two girls, 8 and 6, from her marriages (one from each). Both of her husbands were abusive losers to her and my nieces. The first husband split as soon as she gave birth to niece #1 and no one ever saw or heard from him again. The second husband is a d**g addict who makes a hobby out of being unemployed so he doesn’t have to pay child support.

Because of my Sister-in-Law’s wild and crazy mood swings, suicide attempts, and a**oholism she lost custody of her daughters and my wife’s parents, who are in their 60’s, have been taking care of and raising them for 3 years now. My wife and I visit her parents quite often and we are very close with them. We also see my nieces and they really are sweet girls although they do act out sometimes (though who could blame them?)

Recently more family tragedy struck. My MIL has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and will have to start radiation and chemotherapy immediately. My FIL has arthritis and is starting to lose his hearing and sight. They recently approached us and asked if we would assume custody and raise my nieces, because they are just too old and sick to do it anymore.

While my wife wanted to immediately say yes I asked if we could please have time to talk it over and discuss it, to which they graciously replied for us to take our time.
Now while I genuinely love my nieces, and my heart breaks for their situation…I do NOT want to raise them! I’m breaking into a sweat and fighting off a panic attack just thinking about it.

I have a full time job and three young and very needy children. My wife, bless her, is a very good mother, has a part time job to help supplement our income and is a wonderful and supportive partner, but she is ZERO help around the house. She’s terrible at keeping the house clean and is an awful cook, so after I come home from work, I have to cook dinner and make sure the house is tidy.

I have my kids help out with the chores but of course they can only do so much. Then I have to spend time and play with my children, help with homework, etc. My wife helps them get ready for bed and reads to them while I do dishes. Then I have to make time for my wife. I am EXHAUSTED and O**RWHELMED. My weekends are spent cleaning inside and out and doing family activities.

While my wife has promised to help with our neices, realistically I know a majority of the responsibility will fall to me. I can’t handle more stress. I can’t handle the chaos of TWO MORE young children who demand attention and time. I’m already spread thin spending time one on one with each of my children, how can I possibly give it to TWO MORE???

That’s two more mouths to feed, two more children to clothe, shelter and provide for and educate, and we will be getting zero financial assistance from the dead beat SIL and her two ex husbands. The thing is, my wife has no other siblings and I’m an only child. I don’t think there is ANYONE else who can take these children. My in laws can no longer raise them. We are all that is left. The only other option is foster care.

I would feel AWFUL putting my neices in foster care. But I just don’t think I can do it. I feel completely paralyzed. I’ve already had two break downs over this decision (out of sight from my wife and children). I’m depressed, I have no appetite. I feel like a failure as a man, as a father and as a family member.

I can’t sacrifice my children’s well being for my nieces. I won’t be able to be a good father/uncle to my neices and I know I’ll just be going through the motions with my own children if I take on anymore responsibility. But I don’t know how I’ll live with myself if I let my nieces go into the system. I feel borderline suicidal by this point, but I’m trying to keep it together for the sake of everyone. I don’t know what to do or think. Please help

These are the responses from Reddit users:

zizzymoo −  A few thoughts which you may want to consider… 1. Your sister lost custody, your in-laws were granted guardianship. So first, consult an attorney for the exact details… but if you take over guardianship of the girls via the foster system – you’d get paid by the state for their care.

2. With the additional burden of two dependents, you may yourselves qualify for state aid like food stamps – thus freeing up a bit of cash for other necessities. 3. Get on Craigslist, in the “Services Household” section, and hire yourself someone to come in and clean weekly. These people offer their services for between $15-20/hour, and a decent one should be able to have your home sparkling in 3-4 hours.

4. If you go through the system to take in your nieces, you’d also probably qualify for respite care. That’s where the girls go visit another foster family on some weekends… which would give you free time to relax, focus on just your three, etc.

5. Your kids aren’t doing enough chores. I tell you this as a mother who raised three kids… your kids aren’t doing enough chores. Every one of them should have a bunch of chores, even the youngest. If you look online, there are an absolute TON of sites with lists of age-appropriate chores – USE THEM.

6. Stop making dinner when you come home from work. There are hundreds of sites online that show you how to spend ONE DAY A MONTH prepping meals for an entire month’s worth of dinners… and tons of those meals are crock-pot meals, where you d**p them out of a freezer bag and into the crock pot before you leave for work in the morning, and you have a delicious dinner ready when you get home.

Cooking this way is cheaper, easier, and less stressful than whatever you are currently doing, GUARANTEED. Your wife is probably smart enough to handle doing the actual grocery shopping for your “day of cooking,” so give her that part. And get that woman involved in couponing.

Finally… you’re in a panic, because this is all so overwhelming. Stop and take a breath. Take another. Now… stop REacting, and begin **researching** the things I’ve talked about here. This situation isn’t some insurmountable tragedy you can’t handle… not when you step back and start looking at it through logic instead of emotion. You have the tools to make this work – you’ve just got to realize it.

wombatzilla −  I think you need to tell your wife that she needs to step up more in the home if you are going to take care of these kids. Also she needs to learn to cook, man! She’s 33 and only working part time. There’s no reason for her to not spend some time cleaning the house and doing some cooking. Lots of cooking is EASY and she can look up youtube videos.

S**t, I’m 28 and just learned a better way to chop up onions and I eat onions like every damn day. Of course she doesn’t mind the idea of taking on two more kids because so far she has it easy peasy with the three kids you already have.

That’s cool that she’s a great mother, but you guys need to set up a real system that she needs to follow to help take some of the pressure off of you even if you DON’T end up taking care of these other kids. Think about the ideal situation here in your mind – even if your wife suddenly cooked dinner every night and kept the house clean, would you be willing to take on two more kids, or no?

It’s okay to say no. This is a huge responsibility. But if you do say yes, you have to have had a very in-depth conversation with your wife about your expectations of her first.

way2know −  No matter what you decide, your wife NEEDS to learn basic cleaning and cooking skills. It’s not rocket science. The partner WITHOUT a full time job should do the majority of the work around the home. No wonder the thought of even more mouths to feed and cleaning to do makes you break out in a sweat!

surely_going_to_hell −  It sounds as though you need to rebalance your home life anyway, so you can use this as an opening to start discussions with your wife.
You can say “If we have the children, you need to do more around the home…”

canquilt −  I just want to tell you a little story. My sister and I were your nieces. We were first taken in my an aunt and uncle who didn’t have a clue what they were doing and probably didn’t want us there. We were treated like Cinderellas and felt unloved and out of place for our entire stay with that family.

We were then moved to another aunt and uncle. They had three kids of their own, had just adopted another child, and took us in despite the challenges they knew they were facing. They loved and cared for us like their very own– chores, consequences, responsibilities, expectations, and all.

I still feel lucky to have those people in my life. They are my family. They saved me. If you decide to take your nieces, make sure you are ready to do so with love. They feel rejected enough as it is. It will be hard and frustrating and your family will have a significant adjustment period. But it can be done.

No_regrats −  If it is too much, it is too much. You are doing all you can to be a good husband,/a good father and a good family member. If all you can doesn’t include fostering your nieces, don’t blame yourself. You are giving all you have; no one can give more than that.. That being said:

* On the financial level, the grand parents are currently assuming 100% of the expenses of child raising for your two nieces, possibly with some help from the state / system. Would they be able and willing to keep doing so in the future? Or at least to contribute in part by giving you a monthly child support check even if it is just 100$/month/girl? That as well as state help could help relieve some of the additional stress.

* The grand parents are currently taking care of the girls 24/7. I understand they won’t be able to keep doing so but if they live close enough, could a sort of shared custody arrangement be possible? Like if the girls spends Saturday day and night at their grandparents and maybe one evening a week?

Or if they can take the 5 kids every now and then to get you some respite? Or just help a bit by baby sitting them one evening a week or by cooking some dinners for you? It might even make the transition easier for everyone if the kids have been living there full time for 3 years.

* How soon do you need to make a decision? If your wife could show that she can step up for several month, then it might be easier to take the girls. In short, is there a way for the full weigh of raising your nieces to not be shifted on you?

throw_away_reject −  From the perspective of an eldest of 5 – Once you get beyond 3, more kids isn’t as much of a burden as it might appear. Your nieces can probably wear hand-me-downs from your eldest. Kids that age don’t eat that much unless they’ve got some kind of weight problems. Provided they all get along, they’ll probably play with each other more and demand less of your attention.

Like others have said, they can all help with chores. We started our chores around 5 – helping with laundry, taking out the trash, picking up the yard. At dinnertime the kids trusted with knives would make salad and the younger ones would make koolaid or set the table. I started washing dishes when I was 9 or 10.

All this is assuming these girls are well-adjusted, which given the environment you describe them being raised in, they may not be. But no, you should not be doing all of this by yourself. You and your wife should be a team,

and if she’s not willing to pick up more slack around the house, maybe she should be looking for a better paying job so that you don’t have to work as much. And this needs to happen *regardless* of whether you decide to take your nieces on or not – you’re burnt out and you can’t continue like this for much longer.

[Reddit User] −  Would it be possible for your wife to start working full time? This might enable one of the following: a: You work part time, freeing up time for you to take care of household and parenting responsibilities.

b: You continue working full time, but the extra money your wife earns can be used to pay for a house-cleaning service, so that you don’t have to worry about household duties so much. I think option A would be the most preferable, but at least option B will be possible even if your wife does not earn enough money to enable you to work part time.

areyouproudofyou −  I’m in shock that your wife doesn’t cook dinner or clean, considering she only works part time. She needs to put in more effort, or more money by getting a full time so you can hire a nanny/cleaner.

[Reddit User] −  One major reason that you’re feeling o**rwhelmed is because you’re basically raising 3 1/2 children already. Your wife is not doing her share to keep the marriage/family functioning. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership, so if you’re the one working full time and pull down most of the household income,

then she needs to get more domestic, or start working full time to take the pressure off of you at work. Dude, you’re paying most of the bills and doing the cooking and cleaning?!?! C’mon on man. You’re basically her dad. Set some boundaries.

This heartbreaking situation raises deep questions about family responsibility and personal limits. Should he prioritize his own family’s well-being, or take on the monumental challenge of raising his nieces? What would you do in his shoes? Share your thoughts below!