I’m (26F) considering to break up with my boyfriend (27M) of three years because he won’t get a job?

A 26-year-old woman is contemplating breaking up with her boyfriend of three years, a 27-year-old former software engineer who hasn’t worked in two years due to burnout.

While he’s emotionally supportive and kind, his lack of motivation and reliance on others for financial support have caused her to question their compatibility. She’s torn between supporting him through his tough time and pursuing her desire for a more ambitious partner.

‘ I’m (26F) considering to break up with my boyfriend (27M) of three years because he won’t get a job?’

I (26F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) for about three years. In the past two years, he hasn’t had a job due to feeling burnt out from his previous work as a software engineer.

He quit because he hated the environment and needed a break, but since then, he’s been relying on his savings to cover rent and living expenses. He’s currently back in school, and his parents are paying for his tuition and supporting him financially.

When I first met him, he had a stable job, a steady income, and was more active and motivated. But now, he spends most of his time at home, often saying there’s no point in doing anything because of the state of the world.

While he’s extremely supportive, caring, and emotionally fulfilling, I’ve found myself struggling with his lack of ambition. I want someone who is more stable, who handles challenges head-on, and who contributes to the relationship both emotionally and practically.

I’m starting to feel like I need a partner who is more motivated and independent, and I’m considering ending the relationship because of this. I know he’s going through a tough time, but I don’t know if I can wait around for him to figure things out. Should I tell him that he needs to find a job?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Street_Passage_1151 −  Is he really not ambitious if he is going to school? Like, I broke up with my ex because he didn’t have a job, didn’t go to school, didn’t have a license, and didn’t want to go out. So, I understand breaking up with someone who has zero ambition.

But, he is going to school, presumably full time, I fail to see how a job is the marker for ambition. However! If he doesn’t want to go out, that is a problem. That means you are feeling a lack of ambition towards your relationship.

He may be depressed, but as someone who has clinical anxiety and had severe depression, you can’t lift someone out of that, they have to try themselves.
If he doesn’t know there is a problem, he won’t change.

And if you have brought this stuff up before and he has brushed you off, you can’t make him care. In those cases, I would break up. No need to stress yourself over someone who doesn’t respect your perspective.

Peanutbutterloola −  Im gonna get downvoted, but you s**k. He’s going to school, and obviously, a full-time job is rather difficult to manage on top of uni, especially anything above minimum wage stuff.

I’d assume if you’re bothered by him not working, you guys must live together, however you say his finances are being covered by his parents and savings, so he’s not even leaching off you to cover all bills. He didn’t even stop doing something to move forward. He went back to school.

This is on top of obvious previous schooling if he was a software engineer. Do you even get how hard that is to go to school for multiple things or just to improve credentials? School is a job. He’s clearly not lacking ambition. He sounds like he’s depressed. Have you even tried communicating?

All you’re doing here is complaining that he’s not ambitious despite that clearly not being the case. I’ve left people for not having a job because they genuinely were lazy, leaching off me, not caring about me, and not doing anything productive. By your post, nothing indicates him doing that.

This guy is depressed and you sound like you can’t handle being with your partner when push comes to shove. I do agree, you should leave. He deserves someone supportive who can communicate. Nowhere here did you mention even a simple talk about therapy, just that you don’t want him unless he has what you consider a job.

SeliciousSedicious −  He’s going to school. Presumably for a degree of some kind. Which means that he probably isn’t in a position to handle a full time job and probably at best can handle some part time work stocking shelves at target or something like that.

And if he’s got the savings to be paying his share then he is there for you practically while he goes to school anyways.  I also echo the whole ‘he’s depressed’ angle. Seems like he is. I’d talk to him about that and support him where he is working, which is his education. 

jarjarb0nks −  he’s going to school though? and he sounds depressed. he’s probably going to get another job once he’s finished with school

ladycatherinehoward −  If you’re not feeling it, then end it. It’s probably not really about the job.

Facehugger_35 −  I can say that if I had a girlfriend tell me she left her last boyfriend when he was struggling because he wasn’t ambitious enough, I would be deeply concerned and start considering leaving her because she just showed me that she can’t be relied on when the going gets tough.

miyahedi21 −  Your boyfriend is deeply depressed, this was a sad read. Your nagging will not help him, he needs to see a professional mental health worker and spend time with his family to get some encouragement and life advice. What’s he studying in school right now?

Altorrin −  Why does he need to find a job? He’s literally in school. That’s a job. He’s bettering himself and setting himself up for success.

Ladymistery −  I’m really hoping you don’t live together. he needs to see someone about his depression. Until he does, there’s nothing you can do for him. You can be supportive all you want, but it’s up to HIM to deal with it.

AdBeginning4849 −  Leave the poor guy alone if you’re considering leaving him when he’s dealing with things outside his control. So you said he’s been supportive and emotionally fulfilling to you. What have you done in return to support him instead of trying to leave?