I(24M) adopted my little sister(8F) after our parents passed away, GF(23F) isn’t so excited about it
Life can throw unimaginable challenges our way, forcing us to make difficult decisions. For one man, the tragic loss of his parents led to him adopting his younger sister. While he is committed to caring for her, the added responsibilities have strained his long-term relationship with his girlfriend. When she asked him to choose between her and his sister, he found himself at a crossroads. Was he wrong to prioritize his sister, or was his girlfriend’s ultimatum unfair?
‘ I(24M) adopted my little sister(8F) after our parents passed away, GF(23F) isn’t so excited about it’
For those who want to read the sequel: Update: I(24m) Adopted My Little Sister(8f) After Our Parents Passed Away, Gf(23f) Isn’t So Excited About It
Expert Opinions
Grief and Sudden Caregiving
Dr. Kenneth Doka, a grief expert, notes that sudden caregiving after trauma creates “disenfranchised grief”—a loss compounded by new responsibilities. “OP is mourning while parenting a traumatized child. His girlfriend’s ultimatum ignores his dual burden,” he explains in Grief Is a Journey.
The Psychology of Ultimatums
Relationship therapist Dr. John Gottman warns that ultimatums often reflect deeper insecurities. “Forcing a choice between family and love is manipulative. It signals a lack of empathy for OP’s grief and his sister’s needs,” he states in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Childhood Trauma and Stability
Child psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes that consistency is critical for traumatized children. “Uprooting the sister again could devastate her recovery. OP’s commitment provides safety she desperately needs,” she writes in Good Inside.
Solutions from Experts:
- Couples Therapy: Address GF’s resentment and OP’s grief in a mediated space.
- Temporary Separation: Allow GF to live separately, reducing her “parental” role while maintaining the relationship.
- Financial Planning: Leverage government adoption funds to ease monetary strain.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Community Opinions:
Reddit users overwhelmingly sided with OP, calling the girlfriend’s ultimatum “heartless” and “selfish.” Many urged him to prioritize his sister unconditionally, with some proposing temporary separation to ease the relationship strain. Critics focused on the girlfriend’s valid concerns about sudden parenthood at 23, though most agreed OP’s duty to his traumatized sister mattered more than her discomfort. A minority dismissed the conflict as “drama over grief,” but even they conceded the girlfriend’s timing was cruel.
This situation highlights the difficult choices that come with family responsibilities and the strain they can place on relationships. While the writer’s commitment to his sister is admirable, it’s essential for him and his girlfriend to communicate openly and seek solutions that work for both of them. What do you think? Was the writer right to prioritize his sister, or should he have considered his girlfriend’s concerns more seriously?
I agree with the other comments above. DO NOT give up your sister. She’s lost her parents, she should not lose her brother too. She NEEDS you. While I get that your GF does not want to be a parent yet, She should NOT demand you choose between her and your sister. NOT COOL. Am afraid that at those words, that’s where I would have opened the door for her and told her to leave. You have enough to deal with getting both your sister and yourself though this tragedy without her adding MORE to it. A cooling off time may be what’s needed so you can find a new rhythm with your sister. Give the GF time apart to re-think what she really wants, but not much more time. Yes, you are young to be a parent figure, but not too young. Life does not end when kids are involved. you just learn to live with it and work around the challenges. Your heart is in the right place, and you got this.
I think it says a lot about how your GF is acting about a very unfortunate and horribly sad situation. I understand her not wanting your younger sister living with you or wanting g to be a “mom” now but no one asked for this to happen. Life is unpredictable so I wonder how she will act in the future if another unfortunate accident happens. I feel your GF should be supportive and realize that life happens in ways we can never imagine, so we have to adjust to those situations the best that we can. I believe if I were you I would not even think twice about taking in my sister. I would tell my GF this is what I have to do. I love you and I want a life with you but this is the hand I was dealt so you can stay or go but my sister needs me now more than ever and I can’t just leave her.