I turned down a friend/colleague and things were fine… until they suddenly weren’t.

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A 22-year-old woman shares that after gently turning down a colleague’s romantic advances, their relationship became awkward but eventually returned to normal. Recently, however, the colleague (25) has been acting hostile toward her, even in a professional setting, and is reportedly telling others that she is a “narcissist coward.”

Despite trying to maintain a friendly dynamic, she’s left confused and hurt by his sudden change in behavior. He wants an apology and distance, but she’s unsure of what caused this shift. Read the full story below.

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‘ I turned down a friend/colleague and things were fine… until they suddenly weren’t.’

Hi. Context, I (22f) and my colleague who we can call K (25m) have worked together for about a year. He actually left and returned to work again but that’s how long we’ve known each other. We have always been friendly and have hung out with others socially and established a friend group.

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This group of friends of ours has hung out numerous times, celebrated birthdays and other milestones together, confide in one another etc. At work I am actually the supervisor but that’s doesn’t typically affect friendships at work everyone is chill. I am also the youngest in the group with ages between 22 and 31; very diverse friend group all with different backgrounds etc.

A few months ago our friends made me aware of the fact he has romantic feelings for me. This was surprising as I genuinely had no idea (I am bad at signs and hints) and nothing had ever happened between us. Even as friends we were not ever super super close and he made not much effort to know me more personally. Apparently he brought me up often in conversation and seemed “smitten” but never went into the topic in any detail, just seemed to have a small crush.

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I didn’t really change any behaviour towards him after knowing because he hadn’t approached me himself. We were just normal friends and it was fine. One night after we all hung out (maybe 2 months ago) he walked me home and asked if I was okay and if I had been avoiding him/if I felt upset with him.

I said no and apologised if I had made him feel that way because of my own work/personal stress unrelated to him but we were fine. He then said “Okay well I thought you were avoiding me because I love you.” I was speechless for a minute and then asked why.

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His only answer was “You are the cutest creature on Earth”. May be worth noting english is his second language but regardless his profession felt very very surface level. It happens and I understand but disheartening he doesn’t even think about how I am as a person.

Anyways, he told me “You don’t have to say the same back it’s okay” I told him I don’t feel the same but care for him as a friend all the same and he was still special in my life. It was mildly awkward for a few days after this but we went back to normal and everything was fine.

Suddenly, within the last 2 weeks, he has become incredibly irritated and angry at me. It is affecting our working relationship also as he has been disrespectful, not listening to my requests/ directions, stonewalling me and in return telling me what to do.

Again, at work, I am his senior and in some moments I will direct people in what they do to ensure efficiency and to help them. It’s literally my job and I am very polite and soft spoken at work. I will only become firm if my team members do not listen to me or argue back, which he does at times, but I never get excessively upset or anything. Just firm/assertive.

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He has told our mutual friend that I am a “n**cissist c**ard” and what I have done is “irreparable” but I genuinely do not understand. Sometimes I send memes to our group chat about being late or drinking (we are all late to everything, and we drink a little bit) all light hearted and fun. He has left the chat 3 times after I send these memes which I never thought too hard about but considered recently he is misinterpreting my actions and words.

Our friend has also mentioned his perception of the situation is that K is taking everything personally and not thinking that he is in the “anger” phase. I just feel sad that my friend has become so n**ty, doesn’t respect my job and is trying to turn our friends against me. They all understand me because he’s been rude to everyone at work, but it just is worse with me.

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I actually have alot of other personal things happening which is impacting my mental health, but this situation is just the final straw that is breaking me. I feel at a loss because as much as I can make observations about his behaviour, the situation does not seem to warrant this severe of a behaviour change.

His behaviour has been so bad at work my colleagues gave him a disciplinary meeting (at their own insistence, not mine) because he has been so unprofessional. My friend has told me that K wants an apology and distance between our relationship, but I just don’t understand why? He seems to shift any blame onto me without taking accountability for how he has been behaving.

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Our friends and new colleagues have continued to approach me saying they are worried or even uncomfortable around K due to his behaviour at work. Again, reflecting I can’t think of anything that has happened.

I have acted normally as his friend and also his supervisor but he is not very keen on listening to me as his supervisor anymore. He never was to be honest…. I am younger but does that really warrant disrespect? And stonewalling? Is he just taking things personally and it’s all a big misunderstanding?

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Is it even worth mending the friendship if it’s gotten this bad? Would a better friend just talk to me about the issue they have or is it normal to not want to discuss things? He has some stress outside of work in his personal life but why is he lashing out at me? I will note he does also drink quite a bit which perhaps is skewing his perspective. Sorry! This post is all over the place I am so stressed.

TL;DR After turning down my colleague his behaviour was okay for a few months before suddenly turning. He has been angry and talking negatively about me to anyone that will listen. There was no other incident to incite this behaviour, it seems maybe he had misinterpreted every small action I take and become upset.

EDIT: I just want to thank everyone for the advice and perspective. You’re right, he’s not a good friend and I am well within my rights to escalate this matter. I worry a lot about other peoples feelings but I need to think of both my own and also my professional working environment. I believe there is a chance he may resign soon but I still will need to raise something on this issue.

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Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

AnOutrageousCloud −  It’s time to involve HR. He asked you out and is now being disrespectful and insubordinate.

ahdrielle −  He’s salty that you don’t like him back and is now being a j**k. This man isn’t your friend anymore.

Magnificent-Yak −  He’s horribly immature. “I love you” out of the blue? wtf. His behavior is harassment. For your own protection, you should document this for HR. In his anger, he could turn it around on you, especially since you’re in a position of power.

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WielderOfAphorisms −  He’s not your friend. He is creating a hostile work environment for everyone. He has anger issues and is delusional. You need to speak with HR. This is a headline waiting to happen.

angel_inthe_fire −  Go to HR. I had a co-worker infatuated with me when I was younger. He ended up being my manager and was SO INAPPROPRIATE. I wish I had been wiser and complained to HR. And I was engaged even so at no point had led him on.

ResidentRelevant13 −  You are letting way too much slide as his superior. You will never be respected by anyone for tolerating this. His behavior needs to be reported immediately

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umamifiend −  He’s not your friend. He was likely never your friend. He sounds like a typical *Nice Guy*^^^TM that thinks being nice to you would result in a romantic relationship. Being that you are his superior or supervisor- it’s absolutely time to consider involving HR. Especially if he is being insubordinate in front of fellow colleagues or trash talking you to them. That’s highly out of line.

Its inappropriate. And you need to think about protecting yourself and insulating yourself from him. Do not apologize- you have done nothing wrong. In addition to all of this- it would have been inappropriate to try to peruse anything with you as his supervisor *anyway*. He’s lashing out at you- because his ‘niceness’ toward you didn’t get the desired results. Which means his behavior pervious to this temper tantrum- was performative. He wasn’t really ever your friend.

Admirable_Matter_523 −  I’m sorry but he was never your friend, just being nice to you and putting on his best face to gain access to you romantically. He is showing his true colors now that you’ve rejected him. This will probably get progressively worse, although I wish you the best of luck. And stay safe and vigilant.

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Fit-Priority-5814 −  Ask yourself honestly, if this was any other employee how would you handle this situation? You would report to HR or write up etc… Also, if this is the way he behaves now that he knows there is no romantic relationship forthcoming, do you really want to be friends with him? Do you want a friend who is capable and willing to treat you this way?

labdogs42 −  It sounds like you have grounds to fire him. I’d work with HR to start the process.

Navigating workplace friendships and maintaining professional boundaries can be tricky, especially when feelings are involved. Have you ever experienced a similar situation where someone misinterpreted your actions, or did a workplace relationship suddenly sour? Share your thoughts below!

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