I told my daughters that I was moving on with the separation anyway
A mom is going through a tough time as she navigates a painful separation from her husband. After finding out he cheated on her—twice—while she was pregnant, she’s decided to move forward with a divorce. But her two teenage daughters are strongly opposed, threatening to cut her out of their lives if she goes through with it.
Despite the backlash and their refusal to stay with her during her custody weeks, she feels she can’t stay in the marriage. Now, she’s stuck between doing what feels right for herself and the risk of losing her daughters. Is she wrong for pushing ahead with the divorce anyway?
‘I told my daughters that I was moving on with the separation anyway’
I found out that my husband cheated on me when I was pregnant. Both times. I only found out 3 months ago and until then we were a very happy family and my husband is a great dad. Our daughters are 14 and 16. They know the reason we are getting a divorce and that he had two affairs with two women but not all the details.
They are opposed to the idea of divorce anyway and they threatened to never see me again if I went through with it because the offense happened so long ago. I understand that they don’t want change and their lives in upheaval. I know all that but I just can’t be with him anymore. I can’t even look at him. Nothing is working. Therapy is not working and they are adamant about never seeing me again. I haven’t seen them in two months.
We rent a small studio apartment now and we live every other week in the house with the girls and the other lives in the studio apartment. The girls refuse to stay with me at the house during my weeks but they stay in the studio with my husband (therapist said not to change the arrangement anyway because I thought maybe I should stay in the studio permanently so they have more room to live).
We bought our house 2003 and it has quadrupled in value so we are going to be able to have two decent homes even if not as big and beautiful as this one but it is not like they will be living in bad conditions. Before all this, they were close to both of us and loved us equally. Now they only love him. Last week they made it clear that if I filed for divorce, they will never see me again. I said I was never going back to him and they said I made my choice and they will never see me again.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
ritan7471 – For your husband, it happened years and years ago, but for you, it happened 3 months ago. He’s had plenty of time to get over it. It didn’t happen to your daughters, so it’s easy for them to brush it under the rug and pretend it’s no big deal, and that you’re the bad guy.
I don’t know what your husband told them, but your therapist is right. You need to stick to the arrangement. If you have not already, you need to get your daughter’s in counseling too. They need a perspective that is not your husband’s or yours, and to sort through their feelings. While I can understand their pain, they are displacing it to the wrong person.
You have every right to feel betrayed, to not trust your husband, and to be unable to love with him as if everything was fine. You found out about this, but I couldn’t help it if I were in your shoes, to wonder if that’s all there is to it and to not trust that except for these two, there weren’t others.
DerpDevilDD – NTA They’re young and scared, which equals poor decisions. They understand that their dad did something bad, but in child logic, you are the one causing the problem, because you are the one who wants to change things. It sucks and it’s unfair. Hopefully, they’ll figure it out with therapy sooner rather than later. But, no matter what happens, you’re not the asshole. You’re not doing anything wrong.
CarpeCyprinidae – NTA. Teenagers are stubborn and they think they can force your hand If you give in to this you would be setting an example that its OK to submit to abusive or unfaithful relationships if someone applies pressure. Not something girls should be learning as the norm. Tell them that in their lives if they ever need to walk out to protect themselves, you will support them – and its a shame they don’t feel the same but it wont change your intention to do the right thing
RenaH80 – NTA. Kids don’t understand the whys… only that the family is breaking up and it looks like you are the one who chose this. It’s not just the cheating… it’s the 16 years of lying, too. Let them be upset. Continue to tell them you’re there for them when ready, keep showing up. Don’t bad mouth dad, even if you really want to (and have a right to be upset for what he did). Try to have compassion for them because they’re the kids and they don’t understand. Eventually they will.
Putrid-Army-56 – F*ck that man and you are raising daughters. if you don’t show them how to have self worth and respect then who will? you’re doing great mama. i know it’s hard but you got this.
phred0095 – It is possible to do everything right and still be hated. I’m sorry you have to go through this. But I do support your choice. It seems to be the right one. You’re going to have grief no matter what you do. May as well have grief for doing the right thing versus screwing up.
bubblyyywarrior – while your daughters are currently aligning more with your husband due to the upheaval, it’s essential to stay true to yourself and your needs. In time, with patience and continued love, they may come to understand and accept your choices. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for support from friends, family, or professionals can help you navigate these challenging waters.