I think my mom [53F] is depressed and copes with drinking. How can I [23F] help her when she refuses help and my dad has tried everything

A 23-year-old woman is deeply concerned about her mom, who is struggling with depression, paranoia, and alcohol dependence. Over the past few years, her mom has become more reclusive, avoiding work and isolating herself at home. She stopped leaving the house and developed a dependence on alcohol, which worsened her mental health.

Despite her mom’s refusal to seek professional help and her dad’s unsuccessful attempts to intervene, the daughter feels helpless, watching her mom spiral. The situation is affecting the entire family, and the daughter is unsure how to help her mom. read the original story below…

‘ I think my mom [53F] is depressed and copes with drinking. How can I [23F] help her when she refuses help and my dad has tried everything’

I love my mom to d**th and if you asked me about her a few years ago I would have told you she is the best mom I could ask for. She provided me everything I need and even helped me overcome my own depression and anxiety as a teenager.

However, in the past few years she has been on a downward spiral. For context, my mom owns a nonprofit and is the breadwinner of our house (my dad works an office job that makes a lot less). For her job, it seems very important that she shows up to the organization, as she is working with people in need.

When my brother and I were babies she would hire nannies to care for us because she was so very involved at work. She started spending less time at work and more time at home as we got older to attend to us as kids, but was still able to accomplish a lot, going in to her workplace for a few hours a day and doing paperwork from home.

However, when I was maybe in middle school, she became very avoidant of her work. I think she had some personal drama with a coworker that she was once very close with and we were even family friends with, and it made her feel weird coming into work.

Around this time she also started becoming more paranoid of people around her, including her neighbors, thinking they were spying on her. We moved houses around this time, and I think the driving reason was her paranoia and h**red for our next door neighbor,

but as you can probably guess, she thinks our neighbors at this house are even worse. Anyway, not only did she stop going to work but she stopped leaving the house entirely. It became less and less frequent, from a few times a week to once a month.

I wouldn’t say she is agoraphobic, maybe a little, but mainly she hates our neighbors and thinks they are spying on us. Around this time, her nonprofit started to suffer financially (I suspect partially because her involvement/ showing up got worse) and she was under constant financial stress.

Also, it did not help that my brother, who has autism but is functional, was getting into trouble with a bad group of friends involving selling weed. I started college, and covid happened. I think her grief about me not being around really made her mental health worse.

She is someone who loves being a mom, cooking and caring for her kids and I think she was grieving her kids getting older, and she constantly worried for my autistic brother. Following covid, she has been even more enabled to never leave the house, doordash and instacart groceries, and work from home.

She hardly ever leaves the house. Things got even worse maybe 3-4 years ago, when she started using alcohol to cope with her mental health issues. She was always a bit of a “wine mom” but would never drink too much or get sloppy.

But 3-4 years ago she started to drink in the evenings and developed a real dependence on it. Its really sad because I can tell she is a very depressed person but makes it even worse by drinking. My dad tells me that she confides in him about being ashamed of it, and wanting to quit.

Every so often, she does quit temporarily and it makes me incredibly happy, but she always goes back to it. Clearly, my mom needs serious help. My dad is a bit of a doormat and I don’t think he is firm enough with her.

The problem is, she is extremely explosive and feels like people are attacking her if they imply there is something wrong with her or she is in the wrong. My dad told me he has tried everything, asking her to go to therapy, try medication etc. She is adamantly against it all.

When I was a kid, she had panic attacks, and went to a therapist and tried medication to help get rid of her anxiety. I guess she had really bad experiences with her therapist and especially the medication she tried, which I think scared her away.

She is someone that lets her fear completely rule her life and I hate it. I wish I could have my old mom back, but lately it seems like shes not even in there. I also worry as she’s aging about her never seeing a doctor. She hasn’t been to one in years and shes getting to the age where health problems start. All of this is ruining the lives of me, my dad and my brother.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Hellfire_Pixie −  I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ve dealt with addict family members, and my dad is extremely depressed and a recluse, and from my experience I can tell you that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Has your dad tried putting his foot down and telling her if she doesn’t get help he will file for divorce?

MegalodonLivesOn −  This is coming from someone whose mom has mental health issues that she’s running from as well. And I don’t want you to have your heart broken, but there is nothing you can do to help her. Wanting to change must come from within, and until our mom’s are ready to really look at themselves and do some introspection,

and admit their shortcomings, they will never change. I suggest you read a book called “adult children of emotionally immature parents”. It helped me tremendously to understand things from their side, and come to terms with not being able to exact or encourage real change in my mom.

No-Lab-2803 −  She has too want help in order too help her, I know what you’re dad is going through, I also lived that nightmare.

Linzel44 −  Sadly there is nothing u can do but focus on you and stay away .

DoublePsychology9598 −  She needs to change her activity, there is much better and your mother remains your mother, your darling, but if she changes her activity everything will return to normal.

It’s heartbreaking to watch a loved one struggle with mental health and addiction, especially when they refuse help. How would you approach helping someone who’s resistant to change? Share your thoughts below!