I think my husband (38M) is starting to resent our daughter (4F), how do I deal with this? (UPDATE)

A Redditor shared their deeply personal story of grappling with a crisis in their family: their husband seemed to be pulling away from their young daughter and from family life altogether. Initially, the situation appeared rooted in resentment and burnout.

But a heartfelt conversation revealed layers of unaddressed mental health struggles, loneliness, and unresolved trauma from the past. The story delves into the pain, reconciliation, and the journey toward rebuilding a stronger family bond. Read the original story below to follow their powerful journey.

‘ I think my husband (38M) is starting to resent our daughter (4F), how do I deal with this? (UPDATE)?’

I’m posting this on a throw away account because my husband knows my account and I feel bad about bringing our problems to the internet, but I don’t have anyone else I can turn to about this without things getting worse. I don’t even know where to start with this.

For some context, my husband and I (42F) have been together for nearly 16 years and married for 10, we met while he was passing by the city I lived in at the time for work related reasons and after keeping in touch over the phone for a long while and multiple hints and signs from my end he confessed his love for me and we’ve been together since.

He moved in with me after 3 years and settled in well, my family loves him, and he managed to land a good job as a high school history teacher for a school nearby. Our entire relationship he has been very loving and nurturing, always taking my feelings into consideration and going far out of his way to keep the both of us happy.

He is incredibly sweet and a huge sweetheart and even after being with him for 16 years my love for him hasn’t faltered at all. With that being said, it’s a big reason why his recent behavior has completely blindsided me and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.

We had our first child (who I’ll call D for now) almost 5 years ago, my pregnancy was incredibly smooth and easy going, and all throughout my husband was even more gentle and loving towards me, and it made me feel incredibly lucky to be starting a family with him.

There were some complications with the birth, but overall, it was a very wonderful experience and the both of us were overjoyed to finally have our daughter. For the first month or so my husband was stubbornly persistent that I let him do all the heavy lifting and to only focus solely on myself and D,

during this time he took up nearly all the house chores (with my parents and sister stopping by often to help out with D and the other chores) and made sure to spend time with D whenever I needed a break. Once we both started going to work again, he called my parents during his lunch break to make sure everything was going OK.

During D’s later infancy and in her early baby years he laid back a little bit more and stopped checking in as much, but by no means did he give her less attention. However, overtime I noticed that he was gradually spending less and less time with D and seemed to be focusing on his work more.

I love D with all of my heart, and I am so incredibly grateful and happy she is in our lives, but I would be lying if I said she was an easy baby. She is incredibly stubborn and lively for her age,

so when me and my husband aren’t scrambling to make sure she doesn’t get herself hurt or do something she isn’t supposed to we’re busy calming her down from a tantrum, and it can be a little taxing.

More so, I’ve begun to notice how much it seems to be wearing down on my husband. Nowadays he is less motivated or energetic than he used to be, he is still sweet to me but he’s beginning to pull away from me and D and our life in the bedroom is completely dead at this point.

Despite this, the most upsetting thing I’ve noticed recently is how distant he’s become with D. The other day she was excitedly trying to tell him during breakfast about this show she had been watching and he just put his cereal in the fridge and walked away,

the look on D’s face after she asked me why he was ignoring her completely shattered my heart. Another problem we’ve been having recently is how little he’s doing to help with D, every morning I wake up early to get her dressed and fed for the day before driving her to school and then picking her up later that day.

I take her to every doctor appointment, every dentist visit, every playdate and every event at her school, it feels like the only time my husband is around D is after she gets home from school and makes everyone food.

This has caused many arguments between the two of us where I’m asking him why he doesn’t put any effort into his relationship with D and he gets defensive but never really gives me an answer.

What compelled me to post here was an argument we had earlier this week right as I was ready to walk out the door to get D to the babysitter since no one would be home to take care of her.

I honestly can’t remember how it started, but I know it started as something small that escalated quickly, many hurtful words were exchanged, and I’ll be the first to admit that many of the things I told him were out of line.

He started going on a rant about how much he did for our family and how hard this was on him, to which I interrupted him and asked how it was so hard for him when I was the one doing everything related to D. He just snapped at me that if it weren’t for her things wouldn’t be this hard.

The both of us went quiet after he said that, and I probably would’ve torn him a new one if it weren’t for the fact I was so shocked, and he suddenly decided he needed to go on a walk to clear his head.

This all feels like a complete shock to me as I’d been under the impression that my husband was happy and just going through a rough time, yet after that comment I haven’t stopped rethinking about every aspect of our relationship after D. I feel heartbroken and numb, and I have no idea where to go from here.

Me and my husband have hardly been talking to each other since the fight, and honestly, I have no idea what I’d even say. At this point it’s starting to drain me, and although I love him very much if he doesn’t start getting his act together, I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it much longer. What can I do about this?

I can’t imagine my future without him, and I don’t want to divorce him but I’m tired and stressed out and trying not to cry myself to sleep tonight thinking about it..

UPDATE: A lot has happened since I last posted and, in all honesty, I don’t know where to begin, though I guess I should start with telling me and my husband are going to go to couples counseling and I’m very optimistic of things going back to the way they were before everything started to boil over.

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who commented and helped me understand what he and I are going through and how to navigate it. Someone even recommended an episode from this podcast that helped me a lot.

I didn’t expect this to get so much attention but either way I am very grateful for everyone who left helpful and insightful advice for me. That being said, this update is going to be very long, so buckle up.

When I originally posted the argument that sparked my posting about this happened almost a whole week before, though now it has been a little over since we had the argument. The day after I posted I decided to look into therapy and counseling for me and my husband,

as well as play therapists for D as some people suggested her being so dysfunctional wasn’t normal and she might be going through something as well either related or unrelated to the behavior of my husband and I.

I spent all day making up a list of what I needed/wanted to bring up during our talk that I planned to have later that day, I was kind of obsessing over what I wanted to say and how to say it as many of you guys suggested to be gentle with my wording and encourage honesty and transparency.

D was sick so she didn’t go to school, and I alternated between focusing on preparing for the talk and making sure she was ok and taken care of while my husband was at work. I was in the middle of getting some medicine for my daughter around 12:30 PM when my husband called me.

I answered and he asked me how my day was going and if there was anything I needed him to do after he got off work or when he got back home. I was a little surprised by him calling since he hasn’t called me on his lunch break for a checkup in a long while,

and I could’ve been crazy, but it sounded like he’d just been done crying because he sounded a little raspy and quiet. Me and him talked for all his lunch break (I didn’t bring anything up since I just wanted to have a conversation with him and wanted to save the actual talk until we were in person,) until eventually he had to go and hung up.

I’ll be honest, it made me really worried since although he used to do this all the time before D like I said he hasn’t done it in a while, and I was overthinking about why he would’ve called me.

I think D realized I was troubled because of her father because when I came back, she asked me who I was talking to and I told her who, she asked me in a very quiet and sad voice if I was sad because papa was ignoring me as well.

Now I’m a very resilient woman, especially when it’s come to putting on a brave face for my daughter, but after she said that I felt so distraught and guilty from how aware she is of the situation and how she thinks of her relationship with her father that I started crying, which in turn made her cry as well.

While we were hugging, I made sure to reassure her that her father will always love her and he’s just having a bad time, to which she told me how she didn’t want him to be having a bad time. I took the chance to ask her if she was having a bad time,

and she admitted to me she was sad because she thought papa didn’t love her and she wanted him to be happy again. We both cuddled on her bed and eventually I fell asleep comforting her.

I woke up later that day and by that time the sun had already set, D was still sleeping and I could hear my husband watching something in our room. I got up and after making sure D was properly tucked in I headed into our room and once my husband noticed me he paused the show he was watching and asked me how I slept.

I told him I slept fine and asked him how his day went and he said fine as well. I decided to join him in bed and he offered me a pillow for my back before unpausing the TV. It was awkward, it was clear there was something he wanted to tell me and I needed to talk to him but neither of us knew how to start the conversation.

Eventually at some point he laid his head down on my lap and I started stroking his hair. He had his arm under my legs and we both sat in silence for a while as we watched TV. Eventually I decided that we needed to talk, and I wasn’t going to delay it any longer, so I paused the TV, and I asked him if we could talk,

he seemed really hesitant and kind of tensed, but he said sure, so I took a deep breath and tried to remember everything I’d written down on the list earlier. I started off by saying how I’d noticed him withdrawing and being distant for a few years now and after our argument a week ago I was starting to get really worried.

I didn’t try to sugarcoat it, I wasn’t being hostile or accusative but I made sure to be very clear that D and I were starting to be affected by his behavior and under no circumstances could this go on, I was tearing up a little bit and at some point he flipped around in my lap and was hugging my stomach as I kept talking.

I went on a bit of a rant about how tired I was, and I felt like he wasn’t doing enough to help and how I was worried about him. I did bring up a few of your guy’s points and mentioned how he was acting towards D was negligent and he was setting her up for a whole life of pain if he didn’t stop.

I didn’t feel good about saying it, but I needed him to understand the gravity of his situation. At this point I could tell he started crying because his breathing started to hiccup and I could feel my shirt starting to get wet where his face was, not to mention he was trembling as he held me tighter.

My husband is and has always been a very emotional man, though typically he doesn’t cry a lot, and seeing him cry so silently while shaking so hard was making me really nervous and worried and I practically begged him to talk to me.

He just kept clinging on to me for a long moment, and I thought he wasn’t going to answer me before he told me with a very choked up voice how sorry he was, he sat up and explained how he’d never wanted to hurt me or D but everything’s been so hard on him recently he had no idea what to do about it and just started clamming up,

I asked him to elaborate but he just got really choked up and seemed to be struggling to get his words out. I was worried he was going to shut down and pull away, and in the moment, I admitted I had posted on here to get some advice and I thought he should look through some of you guys’ comments to understand a little better,

He agreed and I gave him my phone and I rubbed his back as he read through here. After reading for a while he gave me back my phone and even though he tried to keep himself together it was clear he was barely holding it together.

I told him that I wasn’t going to interrupt him, and I wanted him to be honest with me about what was going on, and after I said that he completely broke down. He talked for a very long time, and he was all over the place, so I’m going to try my best to explain everything he did in chronological order here to avoid confusion.

As I mentioned in the original post, me and my husband met a while back while he was visiting my city before he eventually moved in with me while we were dating. Something that’s relevant now that I hadn’t mentioned previously is that my husband is from a different country and migrated to the US about two years before we met.

He told me how back at home his dad wasn’t really there, and he could count on his hand the number of conversations the two had together that lasted more than ten minutes. His mother was always very stressed out and didn’t seem to like him or his siblings very much,

and the fact he’s always been very sensitive and was never into what other kids his age liked he had a very poor relationship with most of his brothers, the only person of his family who is still alive and he talks to is his younger sister, though due to reasons he asked me to keep private their relationship is very strained.

Me and my husband are different in many ways, I’m more outgoing, outdoorsy, and confident while he tends to be more quiet, nerdy, and in some aspects a little insecure. Because of this our social circles hardly interlap and, as a commenter has made me realize recently,

I regretfully knew close to nothing about my husband’s group of friends or who he hangs out with besides me. Well as it turns out, he doesn’t. He told me how at the beginning he met two guys at a bar who he became friends with.

He told me briefly of them early on in our relationship but he didn’t talk about them a whole lot and I admit I never bothered to ask. He told me how they were always planting ideas in his mind that I was holding him down,

and that dating an “older” woman when he was still so young and should’ve been experimenting was something he was going to regret in the future when he was old and no one wanted him anymore. He defended me and told them to stop talking about me like that.

He admitted he kept hanging out with them because they were his only friends and when they weren’t badmouthing me they were really fun. Well, after he got a job and got married they stopped talking to him as much,

and when they did finally talk and meet up again they showed up with a female friend of theirs and told him to have fun one last time before he tied himself down. He got into a huge fight with them that almost got physical had it not been for the girl stepping in to break them up and my husband came home in a horrible mood.

I remember that day a little, though when I’d asked him why he was so mad he just said he got into an argument with someone at the grocery store and that’s why he was upset. Even at the time I didn’t believe him, but I didn’t press him further since he was practically hiding himself away in our bed and clearly didn’t want to talk.

He told me how since then he’s been having an impossible time trying to make new friends and even though he’s gotten used to how distant people are in America compared to his home country he still feels incredibly lonely and isolated,

and for nearly 16 years he’s been trying to make up all the social interaction he’s been craving through his one work friend or ignoring it and putting all his attention and time into me so he felt less lonely. When D was born, he put every last drop of effort into me and her,

hardly stopping to relax since any time he did he was just reminded of the giant hole in his life. Through sobs he admitted there had been many times he’d been tempted to drink or hurt himself just to forget about it but never went through

because he wanted to stay strong for his family and knew there was a history of a**oholism in his family and couldn’t bear the thought of losing himself to it. He explained how after putting so much focus onto his life he completely crashed and just felt tired and lost all the time,

and with how much D started to act out and how taxing it was to take care of her he started thinking back to what his old friends had told him and wondered if this as what they’d been talking about.

He was practically stumbling over himself apologizing to me for letting them get to his head and letting himself blame and resent D and I for everything wrong in his life. At this point he was having a hard time breathing and was hugging me so tightly I thought my spine would snap.

It was so painful seeing him trying to keep his sobs quiet to avoid waking D up despite the fact he was clearly spiraling that I had to interrupt him (I know I said I wouldn’t but this is different,) so he could calm down because at that point he was going down a rabbit hole of guilt and regret and just apologizing over and over again.

There’s a lot more he told me about the state of his mental health at the moment, but just thinking about it makes me tear up and I know I shouldn’t but I’ve been beating myself up for not noticing so much sooner how he felt.

I can’t help but think how horrible of a wife and partner I have to be not to notice he’s been drowning this whole time and I didn’t even think to ask him about his life or friends or anything. It was the longest talk we’ve had in the entirety of our relationship and by the end of it we were both crying and holding each other.

I made sure he knew how much D and I loved him and appreciated everything he’s done for us, and I told him how I’d be by his side every step of the way and I would make sure he got the help he needed. It was the first time we’d snuggled so closely like we did that night in a while, and miraculously he didn’t toss or turn at all that night.

I stayed up as long as I could kissing his face and rubbing his back and making sure he felt loved, even long after he fell asleep. The next day I asked him if he could call out of work for the day so we could just focus on each other and made sure that everything we wanted to say was said and he agreed.

We spent the day bowling, eating at the local cafe, going to an ice cream shop, and then going home to make dinner together and have another talk about next steps. We’ve agreed to start marriage counseling and also get him into individual therapy to see what’s going on and to make sure he can recover from all the bad feelings and thoughts he’s been having.

Many people in the original post theorized he might be depressed, and after everything he’s told me I’m almost 100% sure that’s the problem. We both picked D up from school and asked if she wanted to go play at the park and she was very happy to.

I let my husband take the lead and watched as the two played on the playground and chased each other in the grass. I hadn’t seen him that happy and energized in a very long time and it made my heart swell.

On the car ride home he sat in the backseat with her and played I-Spy out the car window until D told me very excitedly how she was so happy papa loved her again

I could practically hear my husband’s heart shatter from the driver’s seat and he was quiet for a very long time before he just hugged her and didn’t say a word the rest of the car ride home. D had a very guilty expression on her face seeing my husband get so sad and I think my husband noticed because when we got home,

he quickly excused himself to the bedroom for a second before coming back out almost as happy as he had been in the park and trying to make D feel better. The rest of the day went smoothly and as I was getting ready in the bathroom to go to bed,

I heard my husband in the next room over telling D how much he loved her and how he never hated her and never wanted her to think so. I could hear them reading a bedtime story while I waited in bed and eventually my husband came into our room and got in bed with me.

We talked a little bit more and I told him how proud I was of him for how far he’s come and all he’s managed to survive before kissing him and getting him to cuddle me again, which took no convincing from my end.

As I’m writing this I’m lying in bed, and he’s fallen asleep against my chest while snoring very loudly. I don’t think I’m going to be able to get any sleep myself today lol. We made plans to go on a weekend getaway this week,

D’s going to stay with her cousins for the time being, which she is very excited about since they have a pool, and she loves to swim. I am forever grateful to everyone who decided to leave a comment and who helped me out through this as I can only see our love growing stronger after this.

My only regret is not having caught up years before this all happened, but there’s nothing I can do about the past and I’m going to just focus on repairing and rebuilding our marriage. My husband told me to tell you all he says thank you for all the concern and for also slapping some sense into him about his behavior,

and he made a joke about just taking our problems to reddit every time instead of paying so much for counselling sessions. This is going to be the only update unless our house blows up or something,

so thank you to everyone who took the time out of their day to read and listen to my story, and if you’re going through something similar, I heavily advise you sit down with your significant other and get down to the root of the problem. Trust me, it will do wonders for your relationship.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

MizzyvonMuffling −  I honestly think you’ll be okay as a couple as individuals if you keep communication plus getting outside help as in couples-counseling and individual therapy. Take it one day at a time but I believe you’ll figure it out. Good luck to all of you!

peace_out16 −  This is why calm, open and honest communication, listening and understanding each others is very important.
I’m so happy for your family that you got to the bottom of this and immediately start on figuring how to make things better.

And you actually have good husband there (doesn’t give in to peer pressure and stands up for you even when you’re not there looking. You have one of the good ones) willing to listen and improve.

You are in the right path on this. Take it one step at a time, dont rush, beautiful things needs time to be made/build might not be perfect but atleast build with a stronger foundation. Counseling is the first step

(and theres nothing wrong about it, it just shows that both are willing to understand each other and wants to know how they can improve things in their marriage). Hope you keep loving, respecting and understanding each other.

Always make sure to communicate and be honest with each other about your feelings. It’s refreshing to see post here on reddit of couples who genuinely love each other, that will do everything to keep their relationship, marriage and family intact. Wishing all the best for your family OP.

SmallEdge6846 −  I’m genuinely in tears. All you three need to collectively hug . I hope everything and everyone gets better and stronger in their relationship with each other r

GoldenDragon001 −  Wow, I’m glad this situation has come to a proper direction. Yes, keep up with the therapy, especially for your husband. And keep building your family by having family time and also for you two to have date nights.

This story sheds light on the importance of communication, empathy, and seeking help when relationships are strained. Have you or someone you know faced similar struggles in balancing family responsibilities and mental health challenges? What steps would you take to support a loved one in such a situation? Share your thoughts below!