I (M29) found my wife (F28) sending inappropriate texts to a friend(M40s). Turns out he was an ex all along. How do I handle this?

A Reddit user, (M29), is struggling with his wife’s (F28) emotional affair with a male friend (M40s) during a difficult time in their marriage. Despite being in counseling, the user discovered that his wife was sending inappropriate texts to the friend, calling him “babe” and commenting on his physical appearance.

The wife admitted they dated in the past but have only maintained a friendship since then. She is now pleading to stay in touch with him, while the user feels betrayed and conflicted about whether to stay in the marriage or leave. To understand more about the situation and the couple’s tension, read the full story below!

‘ I (M29) found my wife (F28) sending inappropriate texts to a friend(M40s). Turns out he was an ex all along. How do I handle this?’

My wife and I have been going through a rough patch for about 6-7 months. I struggle with depression and the last 2 years I’ve been inpatient a couple times and it’s affected our lives very much. We’re in marriage counseling and we both see individual therapists. We’ve been together for 6 years and from the beginning I knew of her male friend.

I was fine with it as she explained that he was an old coworker and I’m not the jealous type and there was nothing at the time that would have made me suspicious. However, when I started talking going through my own dark times she started to withdraw from me more and more and hangout with him more, talk/text him every day.

It got to the point where she had emotionally checked out of our relationship and was more invested with theirs as the would do fun “couple” things. I called her out on this and it turned into a week long fight. She finally relented to stop hanging out with him as I said that if want to repair our marriage I can’t have her replacing me with him,

and I understand that things are tense and she needs space to clear her head but the time she spends with him and talks with him is bordering on excessive. This didn’t go smoothly and while I didn’t have any concrete evidence, their friendship made me feel uneasy.

Fast forward a couple months, we’re in marriage counseling, trying to work on our communication with each other, and the topic of her male friend comes up. Her and the therapist are in agreement that she needs people to hang out with outside of our relationship and I don’t deny that and I try to explain that she has other friends that women and she spends time with them too, just not to this extent.

The therapist asks her if she’s ever had more than a friendship with him and she says no. The session ends with me doubting my gut and accepting that I’m just feeling insecure because he’s a man and how it shouldn’t matter that he is, he’s just a friend. They start hanging out again.

He lives 2 hours away so she’ll make the drive on a Saturday morning and stay all day there and come home late. I accept that they are just friends and try to not let it bother me. Christmas Eve, we’re having a good time together and having some drinks into the evening just me and her. She goes into the restroom without her phone and she misses a call.

I went to bring her phone to her so she can text them back and I open the phone to find her conversation with her male friend. She’s calling him babe, most recently she is telling him she’s drunk and that he has a nice ass. I close the phone and immediately go and confront her about it.

She blames it on being drunk and that it doesn’t mean anything but I don’t buy it and keep pressing it, I’m about ready to pack my bags at this point. She begs me to stay and I tell her only if she starts explaining herself because I’m now furious because it all starts to click for me.

She confesses that before she met me and they dated for a year but broke things off because of the age difference and that they’re only just friends now and haven’t been intimate since when they dated and that they’re only just just flirt over text sometimes. It just turns into a big argument that gets nowhere. I sleep on the couch that night and the next day we talk about it again.

She’s sorry and she wants to try and fix our marriage and I do to but I’m so angry that she lied to me for so long and lied to the therapist. I tell her that she can’t contact him ever again if there’s a chance for us to salvage anything but she doesn’t want to “lose a friend”.

I tell her that at this point she can’t call him just a friend anymore, he’s an ex and she cant have a husband AND a boyfriend and she needs to choose. She’s crying at this point and is begging me to let her keep in contact with him and that I can go through her phone when I want if she can just keep talking to him but I don’t want to police her.

She needs to make a decision on what she wants or I’m leaving. I have her cut contact with him and now things are just tense between us. I’m sorry for the wall of text, I tried to shorten it as best I could and I’ll clarify anything that’s unclear. I’m just torn on what to do. I feel empty and bordering on suicidal but I have just put on a face around her because I want to make it work but I’m still in so much pain.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Informal_Honey1203 −  She’s a l**r. How are you supposed to believe that she hasn’t had s** with him while you’ve been married when she couldn’t even tell the truth in a therapy session? Lying to the therapist is about as bad as it gets when it comes to being a l**r.

Historical-Pie-5052 −  You’re married to a cheater. She’s f**king him too. Do not doubt this for a second. If they have met up alone then they have fucked plenty of times. And, your therapist is a total i**ot. I’d find another one. She knows that guy is a sore spot and still thinks hanging out with him is “healthy”. No, it’s not and you just proved it by seeing those texts. I’d be out of this marriage b/c he will ALWAYS be placed above you. She is not going to stop.

OkPhilosopher1313 −  No wonder you’re going through mental health issues with a partner like her.. Please know that nothing about her behaviour is normal nor acceptable in a relationship. She has 0 respect for you and doesn’t care about you, all she cares about is herself.. People like her drain all the energy out of you.

Fresh_Bluebird_4691 −  He’s her boyfriend, not her friend. You had the right idea by wanting to pack your bags.

stuckbeingsingle −  I think you need to talk to a divorce lawyer. Don’t tell your wife. Stop trusting your wife. She will keep cheating on if you stay with her. If you stay with her, then you will have to keep putting up with her s**t. You can’t change her or fix her. Start taking money out of your joint bank account and put it in your own account. Listen to your lawyer. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Asleep_Cash_8199 −  Her begging you to keep him as a friend, when he is not a friend, but an ex-lover. Her telling him he has a nice ass (why would you say something like that if you are not intimate?).. Her lying about him.. Her being “cold” with you. She has already chosen. You are her safe spot, her ATM. Now that she is older, the age difference is becoming less of a problem.

She is cheating on you and she is mourning the fact that she had to break off things with him. Your wife is a l**r. Please do not accept this level of disrespect. She lied so much that you do not know what the truth is and likely you never will. She has never been honest and honesty and respect are the basis of any relation. Leave her, move on and find someone who can be honest.

areyoulogical −  You’re married to an untrustworthy l**r.. Time to dip. Respect yourself.

MysteriousDudeness −  If I may summarize here, your wife has been inappropriate with an ex and now is willing to lose her marriage fur this “friendship”? It would seem to me that she’s not over him (obviously) and you were the placeholder or Plan B. Do you really want to be the consolation prize?

isitallfromchina −  Bro, wake the f up. Consenting adults that once had an intimate relationship don’t just sit around HIS house 2 or 3 hours away and talk. Open your eyes and mind, this just DOES NOT HAPPEN!

Accept it or not, but how can you not look back at all the time she’s driving 2 or 3 hours away, staying all day at a mans house she had an intimate relationship with and all they did was talk.
There is a bridge in NYC I’d like to sell you.

AllInkalicious −  Yeah. You need to divorce, for your own sake. Not only did she hide this relationship from you but she did it to maintain an emotional affair, at a minimum. You’ll never know if anything was physical after meeting you but you simply can’t trust her anymore.

The manipulation alone, just to keep him in her life at a cost to you, is more than enough to leave this relationship. I’m sorry but you should begin looking after yourself, without this person in your life.

Do you think the user was justified in asking his wife to cut contact with her ex, or is there room for compromise in this situation? How would you navigate a relationship where trust has been broken and emotional boundaries have been crossed? Share your thoughts below and join the discussion!