I found out my boyfriend’s [19M] surprise present to me is to take me skydiving. But I [18F] have a crippling lifelong fear of heights. What do I do?

A Reddit user shared their concerns about a surprise birthday gift from their boyfriend that involves skydiving, despite having a crippling lifelong fear of heights. While the boyfriend planned the gift with excitement and good intentions, the user feels anxious and uncertain about how to address the situation without hurting his feelings.

The fear of disappointing him clashes with the overwhelming anxiety about the activity. To find out more about the situation and how others have responded, read the full story below…

‘ I found out my boyfriend’s [19M] surprise present to me is to take me skydiving. But I [18F] have a crippling lifelong fear of heights. What do I do?’

My birthday is in two days and my boyfriend of six months, Alex*, has been talking about his surprise present for a while. He’s really excited and can’t wait to give it to me. He knows I love animals, so I thought he’d take me to the zoo or something like that.

I’m not a big birthday person, so I just wanted something small and thoughtful. Today my best friend Sara*, who is also friends with Alex, let it slip that she thinks his present is a really bad idea. I asked her why, since I didn’t know what it was, and she asked tentatively if I was afraid of heights.

I have a p**bia of heights. I have ever since I was a child. When I am in open spaces with fear of falling I have anxiety attacks and cry. When I tried cliff jumping (off an objectively small cliff) I cried and had to be carried back down. I can’t even climb trees. I’ve been like this since I was a child.

Alex knows this, but I haven’t talked about it to him in very much depth, just in passing, and he thinks it’s sort of cute and that he wants to help me get over it. I don’t think he realizes how bad my fear is. I don’t know what to do. I know he’s spent lots of money, especially as a student, on getting this present.

I think it be an amazing present for someone else other than me. The thought of it is making me sweat. Please help.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

TheDude415 −  I would argue the real TL;DR here is “My boyfriend got himself a present for my birthday.”

wombatzilla −  If my husband surprised me with skydiving my response would be “Hey, take someone else and have fun!” I sure as hell wouldn’t go.
I’m not even afraid of heights, as in, I’ll climb a mountain or look off a cliff or look off the edge of a tall building,

but I sure as hell don’t want to be plummeting to the ground from an airplane. I don’t know why he knew you were afraid of heights and his idea of helping you get over it AND his idea of an appropriate GIFT to you is skydiving.

He could have helped you get over it in a different way by say taking you to the grand canyon to look over the cliffs or something but he also didn’t have to make it out like it’s a present to you if he KNOWS it’s something you wouldn’t like.

This post reminds me of the woman who planned a surprise birthday party for her boyfriend who had extreme social anxiety. Like oh hey surprise, I got you something I knew you would hate.. Stupid and inconsiderate.

LyssaBrisby −  Boyfriend is about to learn a very expensive lesson about giving gifts that are more about HIM than about the person they’re intended for. It seems he’s got this whole plan of “curing” you of your fear and being a big f**king hero.

Notice how you magically not being scared of heights afterward is actually the second-most significant thing in his fantasy? His gift is selfish and stupid. The amount of money isn’t the issue, and if he DARES try to guilt trip you with that, go f**king nuclear.

It is neither his right or responsibility to “fix” you, and he doesn’t have the power to do it even if you wanted to let him. The only person who can mitigate your fears and anxieties is *you.* I would get ahead of this and tell him you found out, so you don’t have to go through the embarrassing ritual of gift presentation.

Personally, I’d be pissed and offended at his selfishness and presumption. I have phobias of my own and I’ve had to work really hard at times in my life to enforce boundaries around them – not to preserve them,

but to keep the responsibility for managing them on myself… and to avoid gaining a father-figure who thinks I’m some broken dolly who needs sorting out.

[Reddit User] −  Yikes, OP. Ok first I would see if you could get Sara to convey to him just how crippling your fear is. If he isn’t going to listen to her… Idk, it really sucks but you might have to tell him you know. Phrase like you know he doesn’t get how truly afraid you are and that it’s sweet that he wants to help you get past it,

but this is not the way to go about it. See if he can get his money back, otherwise suggest he takes one of his friends who can cover half the cost so it’s not as bad for him. I’m really sorry OP, I hope this gets figured out! And happy birthday!

psuedonymously −  This is like helping you overcome a fear of dogs by covering you in gravy and locking you in a closet with a pack of half-starved wolves.

[Reddit User] −  The amount of money one spent on an unwelcome gift doesn’t mean that the recipient has to accept it. Your BF may have bought a $50000 life rhinoceros on a leash, and tried to give that to you as a pet. Would you have to accept because he paid so much for this thoughtful present?

Especially that you told him that you like animals, so it makes it your fault somehow, lol. Talk to him, that you know what the present is and can’t accept. Don’t wait till the last moment, give him a chance to ask a friend to skydive instead.

joygirl007 −  Here’s a script: “Honey, thank you so much for the wonderful thought, but I can’t accept the gift. I have an actual p**bia of heights – not a mild fear, not a discomfort thing. P**bia.

Going on this excursion would ruin my birthday and possibly our relationship – I’d be so embarrassed to have a panic attack right then after you’d gone to all this trouble! So let’s you and me do something else instead and you can take [insert his best friend’s name] skydiving instead.”

[Reddit User] −  Maybe for his birthday you should buy a giant strap-on dildo and tell him since he loves taking risks and doing things outside of each other’s comfort zone, he’s going to let you f**k him in the ass dry.

dammit_need_account −  I’m like you, very afraid of heights. Sky diving is on my “never going to try that list.” If that changes, great, but I wouldn’t bend on that for someone else. Your bf knows of your fear and still got you these tickets on some misguided notion that he’s helping you.

He obviously doesn’t know how to help someone get over a p**bia. Not to mention that you never asked him to help you with this. He’s just forcing this on you. If I were you I’d say “thanks for the tickets but I’m not going. Invite someone else or sell the ticket, but I will not be using it.”

I personally wouldn’t feel bad about saying that and would be very disappointed in him for giving such a selfish, thoughtless gift. He could have bought you something you would enjoy and have a good time with and instead he literally bought you your greatest fear. Thanks bf :/

helloimwilliamholden −  Tell him straight up. Just say that Sara told you about it because she knew how scared you are of heights and wanted to help avoid this problem. She really should have just told your BF, though. Why didn’t she tell him how bad your p**bia is?

If she did and your BF ignored her then this is all on him. Tell him sooner rather than later in case there are time limits related to getting refunds.