I (F45) think my daughter (F17) is ashamed of her race and me as well. I’m not sure how to approach her about it.

A Redditor (F45) shares the painful experience of feeling that her 17-year-old daughter (F17) may be ashamed of her race and, by extension, of her. Despite her own challenges with the language barrier and cultural differences, this mother has worked hard to support her daughter.

However, she feels that her daughter is increasingly embarrassed by her heritage, actions, and background. The Redditor seeks advice on how to address this growing rift and support her daughter through a difficult time. Read the full story below to see how this Redditor navigates these sensitive family dynamics.

‘ I (F45) think my daughter (F17) is ashamed of her race and me as well. I’m not sure how to approach her about it.’

Hello. Thank you for all of your kind responses and your heartfelt stories. I am still reading through all of them and I am planning to sit my daughter down tonight to sincerely talk about my past and my feelings. I emailed her school counselor last night and will also bring up finding a family counselor that she likes. Your advice has been greatly helpful and I would like to thank everyone again for your kindness.

For background context, we are both fully Chinese. I immigrated to the United States by myself when I was 26. I had to learn English on my own and after living for so many years in the United States, I think my reading, listening, and writing skills have become good.

However, I have a heavy Chinese accent when I speak and I am still mixing up words that I normally wouldn’t when I am writing. I also grew up poor when I was a child, having grown up in a village that still doesn’t have plumbing to this day. Due to this, I have a habit of saving takeout containers, using food past its expiration date so long as it still looks good, amongst other things.

My daughter has always been a bit self-conscious and I think she’s embarrassed by me. Whenever we go out to eat, she always asks me what I will order and then order for me or she’ll begin to speak for me whenever I have trouble with words.

I don’t think my English is horrible to the point where I need someone to speak for me and I have told me that I dislike it when she does that but she feels that it is easier if she is the one speaking. I will sometimes shop at the local thrift store for clothes or yarn, but my daughter never wants to come with me and disapproves of me going as well.

We are not in need of money, but I don’t feel the need to spend more money than I have to on myself and the items I find are perfectly fine. However, I don’t mind spending more money on my daughter and I will buy her the clothes and makeup that she wants even if they are expensive.

There are times where her tennis team has asked for parents to bring food for cookouts and she gets upset whenever I suggest bringing something like homemade scallion pancakes or spring rolls because they’re not traditional cookout foods.

I think she’s also conscious of stereotypes about Chinese people. She always insists on tipping at least 20% even if the service wasn’t good. When she was younger, we went on vacation and decided to eat out. Out of the two restaurants we went to that night, none of them served us.

We were sat down and forgotten about and she kept coming up with excuses that it was because Chinese people don’t tip well so restaurants aren’t as friendly and so it’s not their fault because they’ve most likely had bad experiences with Chinese people. When we go on trips, she’ll always read this rules and then make sure that I understand as well.

For example, when the rule is to stay on the path, she will constantly be looking over at me to make sure I’m not moving too close to the edge. If she thinks I am, she will pull me back to the middle of the path and I’m uncomfortable because I also try to be conscious of my behavior because I know the reputation Chinese tourists have. I feel that she doesn’t trust me because I am Chinese.. ​

With the Coronavirus pandemic, her mood has gotten worse. I heard from other parents that some of her classmates insisted on calling it the “Chinese virus.” Ever since the pandemic broke out, she’s been really down and I’ve been trying my best to support her, but she just ends up upset at me to the point where I’m not sure what to do.

There have been times where I hear her crying in her room, but she’s never willing to tell me about anything. I’m wondering what I can do to support her and make her feel better. I also want her to respect me more as a person and not be so ashamed of me because it really does hurt but I’m not sure how to talk to her about it because she always brushes me off.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

chonkisacoming −  Congratulations on your accomplishments! It is hell to move somewhere you don’t speak the language and start your life over. I grew up on the lower spectrum of income and am the exact same way regarding using things up even if it is past the expiration date as long as it passes the smell and eye test and isn’t off.

Regarding your daughter, I am sorry but teenagers can be jerks. She is likely trying to fit in and can’t see the forest for the trees. That being said, I have lived all over the country and some parts of the USA are less… tolerant then others so if you were in one of those places, she is probably just watching out for you.

Where I live now, any cookout has at least five different types of cuisines but I am in a very liberal city so it is somewhat expected. Have you sat down and tried talking to her about this? It sounds like she really does love you and is wanting to make sure you don’t embarrass yourself but nothing you have done is embarrassing.

outdoor18 −  You seem like a very strong, sweet, good mom with a big heart. Teenagers can be insecure/difficult and are often embarrassed by everything their parent(s) do. I would love to go to a bbq and have spring rolls…

I guarantee other guests would love them too! And I am sure your English is perfectly adequate to order from a menu! Your basic life story is quite amazing, I have a lot of respect for you. I am sorry your daughter is ‘embarrassed’ but 99% of kids grow out of it and really learn to appreciate how amazing and unique their parent(s) are.

She might feel different because she is a Chinese teen in a white area who wants to blend in with her peers… and be accepted by her friend group without anyone pointing out her differences…but one day she will see how wonderful it is to simply be her. Keep supporting her and tell her you are there for her. You sound like a wonderful person who hates to see her daughter struggle.

personq1w2e3r4 −  Is there someone else who can talk to her about this? Speaking as a second-generation kid, some of this is stuff that I experienced, but the bs about the “Chinese virus” has got to hurt. If she brushes you off, is there someone she can talk to who isn’t you?

gumbacrusader −  For the record, your writing is excellent. Many people on Reddit don’t post with correct punctuation. It’s so refreshing to see a post with it.

Moocowsaurus −  Your post called out to me… I decided to make my own separate response. Growing up in a predominantly white town can 100% affect her sense of self and place in the world. It is because she is constantly being reminded she doesn’t fit in. You, as her Chinese mother with any sort of accent, serves as a constant reminder at home as well. To feel accepted into a group or community is a very natural human need. Perhaps your daughter doesn’t feel included anywhere?

She is 17. It is important to understand it is normal, across many Western and Asian cultures, for a teenager to project some resentment towards their parents. She is at vulnerable age and starting young adulthood at a particularly vulnerable time. She is also literally living in at the most defining moment of this generation.

This is coming from a Chinese girl growing up in a predominantly white city in the 1990s, with a mother who had a heavy accent. I was socially isolated as a child because I spoke zero English, and scolded by my elementary school teachers for bringing a Hello Kitty water bottle and tupperwares of fried rice for lunch, instead of juiceboxes and PB&J sandwiches wrapped in plastic like the white kids.

I am now in my 30s. My town has grown from predominantly white to increasingly mixed cultures. We are fortunate enough to live in a time where we are increasingly exposed to Asian media, my town is rich with Asian culture, we have frequently hold Asian- inspired community and public events (pre-pandemic), Asian cuisine is now hip, bougie and trendy. All of these things combined effectively “normalized” and integrated Asian culture where we live.

Like your daughter, I was ashamed of my roots because I thought I was was an outsider. My town and my school and my community told me I was not one of them. However, it’s been 30 years and my town changed, and I have changed. And I finally found my niche and circle of people. It has become my safe place. Do you foresee your town into a safe haven like my town did for me ?

I feel for your daughter. I feel for you too, OP. I can’t imagine living in a predominantly white town anymore. I can’t imagine living in a country where the president insists on calling the pandemic “China virus”.

I don’t have any advice for you except to be patient with your daughter. She’s going through a very difficult age and some very difficult times. I would even ask your daughter if she feels as though her life is in danger …. Even though my own community has grown to be considerably more tolerant in general, there have been reports of increasing random violence against people of Asian decent ever since COVID19 happened.. Good luck !!

RedSynn −  You sound like such a sweet woman. I will say this. I was also very very embarrassed of my mom for a while. I’m taking like I would hide in our rundown car so people couldn’t see me. I would always over tip at restaurants because my mom didn’t. My mom is not a big spender but has money. I’m an American so I was never embarrassed of my mom’s accent….I was embarrassed about how she ordered food and behaved in public

As I got older I realized that, not only am I a copy of my mom, I realized people don’t really pay attention like I thought they did. I think it’s normal to go through this phase. I hope your daughter grows out of it. Don’t change who you are because I think you are so loving.

kill_kat_ −  There’s a popular group on Facebook for Asians called “Subtle Asian Traits.” I’m sure you’ve probably heard if it already. A lot of people there share similar stories like yours and give each other advice. I think if you posted this there you’d get a lot of support! 🙂

Also, I recommend watching the Ted Talk “The Windows and Mirrors of your Child’s Bookshelf” by Grace Lin. While it’s mainly about children’s books, i think the narrative is something that reminds me of your story. She talks about how growing up Chinese American, she felt ashamed and embarrassed for being Asian. Maybe her story could help.. Best of luck!!

Edit: I also wanted to add that if your daughter is going to college, encourage her to see if her school has an Asian Student Alliance. A lot of universities have them and it’s a great community for Asian Americans. Bigger schools even have subdivisions like Chinese Student Alliance. I have a lot of friends in it and they have made great friends and connections with their culture through it!

dirtymatcha −  As a daughter of Chinese immigrants, I understand your concern and why your daughter is behaving this way. I think first and foremost your daughter is a teenager and is at an age she wants to fit in with her peers. This is also an age where she wants to be more independent from you. A lot of times, this manifests as embarrassment of family regardless of race. In this stage, all you can really do is offer an open and safe space in case she needs it.

I once told my dad when I was a teenager that I was embarrassed to go on family vacations within North America or Europe, because he would always end up choosing an Asian restaurant instead of trying the local cuisine. I knew I hurt his feelings back then, and I understand now that Asian food is the only thing that makes him feel at home.

At the time, we lived in the south, and lacked authentic Asian food. Please know that you have not raised your daughter wrong, and she’ll gain more perspective as she grows older. She does not love you any less and is most likely aware of all you do for her. She’s just trying to navigate the nuances of accepting her heritage and the American culture.

As for COVID-19, this has put a spotlight on Asian Americans, which was what your daughter was trying to avoid by being more like everyone else. Being targeted for a skin color you were born with is always tough, but it doesn’t mean your daughter is ashamed of who she is. She may be receiving negative comments, which definitely can weigh anyone down.

Again, remind her you will keep an open mind and keep a safe space for her. If you can, offer her a chance to speak to a therapist, so she can safely let out her thoughts and feelings. Best of luck to you and your daughter!

clumplings2 −  She is 17 and going through hard teenage years where everyone is insecure. She can do better but this is what happens to most teenagers. comparing themselves to their peers. Then suddenly, when we are older, we realize how awesome our parents are/were.

pit101 −  Hi, your post really spoke out to me. My parents were born and raised in Nigeria and moved to the states when my mom was pregnant with me. Growing up, it was very challenging being that “African” kid in my predominantly white friend groups. The jokes that were made about me were very insensitive and I desperately wanted to fit in.

So much so that I began rejecting the amazing culture that I was surrounded by. I’m sure my parents noticed however, they never had a discussion with me about it and looking back now I wish they did, even if high school me wouldn’t have listened then. I understand how your daughter feels, especially with social media being such a focal point in our lives.

It took a long time for me to begin to love my culture and my appearance. I would say, have a talk with her, and try to understand how she feels, especially about the “Chinese virus “ comment.

I really commend you as you seem so loving and caring. Even if that talked isn’t received well, I’m sure she’ll remember it, when she (hopefully) begins to love and accept who she is and her culture. Please don’t take this to heart, as my mom liked to call this time in life, growing pains.

Do you think this daughter’s actions stem from internalized cultural pressures, or is there more to her behavior that might be affecting her relationship with her mother? How would you approach a situation where cultural identity and generational differences create such a rift in a family? Share your thoughts and advice below!