I (f26) delivered a stillborn baby and I feel like my husband (m32) is relieved.

A Reddit user shared the heartbreaking experience of delivering a stillborn baby and feeling that her husband seems emotionally unaffected. Despite his outward support, she fears he may not be grieving in the same way, which leaves her feeling isolated in her pain. She is unsure how to address her concerns without accusing him unfairly. Read the original story below:

‘ I (f26) delivered a stillborn baby and I feel like my husband (m32) is relieved.’

I got pregnant last April and it was a complete surprise. My husband and I have been married two years, but we weren’t planning on having kids for at least another two years or so. However, when I got pregnant, we decided to have our baby. Everything was perfectly fine for 32 weeks of my pregnancy.

I was as healthy as you can be, so was the baby. We were having a girl. We picked out her name, made her a nursery, I was so happy and excited to be a mom. My husband was a little less than excited, although he was still supportive. He made a few off handed comments about how we “aren’t ready”.

My husband is a doctor so he tends to work a lot and I’m not sure that he thought he could handle being a dad. He still did everything though, from tying my shoes for me every morning to building her crib. He was nervous, yes, but still supportive. Well, a couple days after thanksgiving last year, I had a check up appointment. I was 32 weeks.

My husband wasn’t even with me, it was supposed to be so routine. I had low amniotic fluid (I think?) so they did an ultrasound. When they did, my doctor found that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was absolutely devastated. They induced me the same day, and I gave birth to a stillborn baby.

Two and half hours of labor and pushing, and I don’t remember much of it except for my husband telling me it was okay to want to hold her and just sobbing my eyes out when they gave her to me and she wasn’t crying. I also remember my husband leaving the room for a while and my nurse sitting with me to comfort me.

I went home and I’ve been crying for weeks. Yesterday would have been my due date. Post partum without a baby is just horrible. All I wanted was to be a mom. However, I’ve been noticing my husband isn’t even concerned. First of all- he hasn’t shown the slightest of sadness since the hospital.

He dealt with all of the hospital issues and memorial issues and never shed a tear. He took down her nursery the very next day, he didn’t even ask me. He keeps telling everyone who asks- “we’re doing great”. *I* am not doing great. He might be, but not me. And when I cry, all he ever tells me is “It’s okay, everything happens for a reason.”

He didn’t even remember that yesterday was her due date and that crushed me. The icing on this horrible cake was when I overheard him talking on the phone to my mother, who had called when my husband thought I was sleeping. He told her “She’s okay. She’s taken it harder than me. I’m doing fine, thanks.”

It just doesn’t seem like he even cares. He cares about me, yes, but not the fact that our baby isn’t with home with us. He just carries on like normal. When he sees me crying, he rubs my back but doesn’t ever even talk to me. I feel so alone in this. Does my husband even care? How do even ask him this question without seeming so accusatory?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Cultural_Shape3518 −  The fact your husband is a doctor seems relevant to me.  Accepting that sometimes there’s nothing you can do, or at least being able to set aside your feelings and get on with things, is a vital part of the job.  He might just be operating on autopilot, or keeping busy so he doesn’t have to confront his feelings.

That said, tell him you think it should be obvious you’re not okay, and that him preemptively turning down every offer of outside support while he tries to get things back to normal as quickly as possible is not helping.  If he continues brushing you off, don’t be afraid to tell people you’re not okay, and find a grief counselor or support group to help you through everything. I’m sorry.

WarningEquivalent916 −  I think I that due to his profession, your husband likely is able to compartmentalize his feelings. It does not mean that he feels relief over the loss, just that his processing and coping are different. I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope that you are seeking available supports to help you cope.

[Reddit User] −  As a doctor he’s been trained as to be less emotional to life and d**th- it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel, but that he keeps it under wraps. I also think just as a man, because he didn’t carry the child it’s a bit more abstract than for you. I’m very sorry you’re both going through grief over your child.

PNulli −  Take it from someone, who has also lost a child in late pregnancy… We grieve differently!! You are a mother (you might as well start to call yourself that because you are)… And you have felt this little being inside you. I cried for a year!!! And even now (9 years later) it saddens me on a regular basis.

But only recently have a discovered the impact it has had on my husband. We lost a girl – and got pregnant again about 6 months later and had a live daughter. He hovers over her – almost manic compared to the other three kids. He worries about aspects with her, that are not normal or healthy.

He has kept all of this so well hidden for almost a decade, that we have only just recently started working on it… When I ask him, why he hasn’t told me about all of those feelings his response is something along the line of… Him wanting to protect me, be strong for me, care for me…

Try to distract me from the dark thoughts, be logical and reasonable when I was lost in emotions… Bear with him and bear with yourself! Be aware that you are going to face what will probably be the hardest year of your marriage – because infant loss is unbearable. GET HELP! You absolute need support and professionals guiding you through this.. All the best

auriebryce −  After my daughter was stillborn, I came home and immediately took everything in the nursery down. I mean within an hour of getting home, I was boxing up everything. It was something I could control in that moment and it did, for a bit, help me feel better.

Not happier or less grief stricken, but momentarily better so that I could get through the sheer enormity of my grief fifteen minutes at a time. It destroyed my ex-husband to the point that he never really recovered because he felt like he had to be strong for me.

He would tell me, years later, that he didn’t feel like he had a right to be sad because he’d never felt her move or experienced the medical trauma of birthing her like I had. My point is that your husband took literal classes on delivering bad news and carrying the weight of that bad news with him.

I think that it’s likely that he’s compartmentalized his grief and is focusing on keeping the focus off of you; his comments about everyone being fine are probably being used to move the conversation along so that it doesn’t linger on the reality. Give him some grace. Give him some time. Focus on your own fifteen minutes at the time right now as best you can and learn to forgive yourself.

nennjau −  Is it possible that he’s keeping his emotions inside so that you don’t feel the need to take care of him while you’re grieving so deeply?

tiredandbored37 −  I am so sorry for your loss, but I wanted to add a different perspective than any comments I’ve seen. When your husband says you’re doing “okay,” is it possible what he means is you are handling your grief in a normal healthy way? Some people, especially people who’ve lost their child, have actual psychological breakdowns.

I know a woman who lost her 2 month old baby to SIDS, and she completely checked out for a few months. She has no memory of 3 months of her life, but she was found at the cemetery in the middle of the night trying to dig up her baby because she heard her crying. I’m sure he’s aware of how severe grief can get.

Ziggerific −  I would recommend seeking out couples grief counseling. The two of you seem to be processing your grief very differently which sounds incredibly isolating. You need to be able to keep open communication and learn how to do this in ways that strengthen your marriage.

It sounds like he’s trying to be supportive but is not able to be open with you or others. Telling you everything happens for a reason is very dismissive of your loss. Telling people you’re doing great is hurtful. It doesn’t seem like he means to be dismissive but he is not connecting with you about your loss.

Nothing can remove the pain of your loss but having a safe space to communicate with your husband can help the two of you through the loss together instead of having insensitive comments become a wedge between the two of you.

jamicam −  I’m very sorry for your loss. Your husband is grieving in his own way. Don’t hold it against him that he isn’t as emotional as you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or that he is glad it happened.

He is being strong for you and supportive. The two of you are a team and you are dealing with something so difficult and heartbreaking, so just be kind and understanding with each other. People all grieve differently.

UsagiDreams −  You know, I think him taking down the nursery was a sign that it was hurting him. I think it might also be easier for him to compartmentalise – he didn’t have the physical changes you went through during the pregnancy… and I bet he’s probably trying hard to look after you and make sure you’re okay. Maybe he hasn’t fully processed it yet.. I’m sorry for your loss.

Do you think the Redditor’s husband might be processing his grief in a different way, or is his behavior truly indicative of a lack of care? How would you approach a partner who seems distant during such a painful time? Share your thoughts and advice below!