I don’t know what to expect for my [23F] date with my best friend [23M] and I don’t feel ready for it
A 23-year-old woman is feeling anxious about an upcoming date with her best friend of seven years, who recently confessed his feelings for her. While she agreed to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship, she’s overwhelmed by fear that things will change, for better or worse, and is struggling with the uncertainty about how the date will go.
Her worries include potentially enjoying the date too much, not enjoying it at all, or finding that their dynamic as friends has been permanently altered.
‘ I don’t know what to expect for my [23F] date with my best friend [23M] and I don’t feel ready for it’
My [23F] best friend [23M] of 7 years told me that he had feelings for me and asked if I would be okay with exploring those feelings if I felt the same way. He had been acting weird for the past few weeks so I kinda had an inkling this was coming, so I at least had a response kind of planned out.
I was upfront about the fact that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but Connor (not his real name obviously) made some good points, basically saying that dating might make us even closer and that if we date we’ll probably be less likely to drift apart after college (this was in response to me admitting that us drifting apart was one of my fears).
He also rightly pointed out that even if things didn’t work out we could remain friends because we’re both pretty level-headed and neither of us are likely to drop the other person as a friend over a petty breakup. I was talked into agreeing with him because everything he said was so logical, but I’m still unsure.
I never saw myself dating Connor. I always thought he was cute but more in an “aww, he’s gonna make some nice girl so happy one day!” type of way… I guess I never thought that girl would be me. I feel like our chances of keeping the friendship the same as before was already ruined the minute he said he wanted to be more than friends,
so I felt like had no choice but to at least try a couple of dates with him. In my view I could either reject him and lose him forever if he couldn’t stand being around me anymore or I could agree to date and salvage at least a fraction of what we had.
He was so happy when I said yes and it made me really happy to see him smile and knowing how excited he was. I’m scared of so many things. I’m scared that he’ll kiss me on the date and I’ll enjoy it and then our whole lives will change.
I’m also scared that I won’t have fun on the date because it’ll feel different than our old friendship hangouts. And I’m scared that he won’t enjoy it…but I’m even more scared that he will enjoy it. I haven’t been able to sleep properly ever since he told me.
Last night I stayed up all night and ate peanut butter straight out of the jar just to distract myself from thinking about what will happen on the date. I’ve been psyching myself out on what to wear and whether to get made up like I would for any other guy.
It feels weird asking my other friends for advice about ‘boy stuff’ when normally I would just go to Connor about stuff like this. I just wish we could go back to how things were before he dropped that bombshell.
We were both so happy and comfortable as friends and now I can feel how nervous we are when we’re around each other and it sucks. In an ideal world we will come back from the date and laugh about it and just agree to be friends again but I don’t think that’s realistic.
I’m already nostalgic about all the times we spent hanging out in our hometown and just enjoying the friendship and now everything’s gonna be so different and it’s making me panic so much. I don’t even know where he’s taking me on the date since he wants it to be a surprise and it’s just giving me ridiculous anxiety not knowing.
See what others had to share with OP:
nsnyder − Tell him that you’re anxious about it and don’t want the date to be a surprise. He probably wants to make it a surprise because he thinks that’s romantic and you’ll like it, so if it’s making you miserable tell him that. It sounds like he cares about you and wouldn’t want to be making you miserable.
The big red flag here is “I was talked into agreeing with him because everything he said was so logical.” That doesn’t sound healthy. If you don’t want to date him then just say no, you don’t need an argument for why.
On the other hand, “I’m scared that he’ll kiss me on the date and I’ll enjoy it” makes it sound like maybe you do want to date him. Either way spend some time with your feelings and say yes or no based on what you want rather than based on his arguments or elaborate “what if” scenarios.
Naughtyspider − Well I married my best friend, been together almost 14 years now married for 10 1/2. The first date was a little weird, so we took the pressure off and instead of dinner or something fancy we just went for drinks and then grabbed a sandwich at a hole in the wall place. Just doing natural friend stuff took the pressure off and it became easy to slip into holding hands, cuddling up in the booth etc.
My advice is to not do something that’s a complete 180 of your usual fun stuff to do on a day/night out. Be in a comfortable situation and the rest should flow naturally.
cstrife32 − How does the idea of doing romantic things with him make you feel? Excited, anxious, or grossed out? What about kissing, making out, fooling around, etc? Have you ever fantasized about him before?
A relationship requires physical attraction. If that’s not there, this won’t work.
Escarlatilla − You sound like you’re not into him. Don’t go on a date if you don’t want to date him. People don’t end up in love because it “logically” makes sense, they do it because they have romantic feelings and are compatible and make it work out. Idk why people are encouraging you. It sounds like this is an absolute disaster waiting to happen.
grand_insom − I don’t think this type of pressure is a good foundation for a date. Or a relationship. It sounds like you’re just going along with this because you’re afraid to lose him vs. actually wanting to date him. How far are you willing to go? Are you willing to start a relationship so you won’t lose him?
The whole concept just sounds uncomfortable and unfair to you. You can go on the date if that’s what you want to do but it’s important to stand your ground here. You can’t just sacrifice yourself here because you want to keep this guy as a friend.
Nothing will ruin a friendship more than forcing a bad relationship. You can come back from a one sided crush – or an awkward date – you’re 100% not coming back from a bad relationship where you both end up unhappy.
SarcasmUndefined − Do you actually want to be in a romantic relationship with him? Because it honestly sounds like you don’t. It seems like you’re only willing to entertain this because you’re afraid of not having him in your life anymore. Thing is, he’s no longer offering a platonic friendship. He’s only offering a romantic one now.
The friendship you had before is already gone. You can try to date him and see if a romantic relationship works for both of you. But if you’re only trying it because you don’t want to lose him ….you kinda already have? Dating someone because you don’t want to lose their friendship is a terrible reason to date someone.
amore_orless − Do you… actually like him? Like, *like* like him? I admit I kind of skimmed some of your post, but the one thing I don’t think I ever saw mentioned was how YOU feel about him. You mention you were ‘convinced’ to go on a date because he made a ‘logical’ argument.
I’ve been talked into picking up a work shift on a day off before, but I have NEVER had to make a pros and cons list of the positives and negatives of going on a date with someone I’m really interested in. It’s an automatic yes. I don’t think you like him as anything more than a friend.
I don’t think you should go on a date at all, especially if you’re eating plain peanut butter to distract yourself from thinking about it! Stressing over clothes and makeup is normal, but you should be stressing out because you want to look amazing and you can’t decide which shoes go with your outfit.
Stressing out over the date itself being awkward and then the aftermath being a fall out of your friendship is just… not worth it in my opinion. Immediate edit to say I re-read the post, and YOU DON’T LIKE HIM!! Girl! Just don’t go through with it at all, you will be miserable and if he tries to kiss you, it will be so awkward.
therapy_works − I have a good friend who fell in love with her male best friend. He was afraid that it would ruin their friendship and resisted for a long time. Finally he realized it was worth the risk. They’ve been married 17 years and they’re still best friends. That said, only do it if you’re attracted to him.
cawkstrangla − You sound like you’re the good type of nervous so that’s good news. You know him well enough that you don’t have to put on a show. I’d say dress as you would for any other romantic date and just let things happen. You are really over thinking this. Don’t let that ruin it. You’re both excited.
You both seem to want this to one degree or another; maybe you’re not as excited as him but that’s fine. He’s probably been working up the courage for a while to ask you and you just are now thinking about the potential with him in a serious way.
Keep yourself open. Dont tell yourself that the friendship can be salvaged if you just back off a little bit or you let him down easy. This is do or die. As soon as you accepted the friendship changed forever. Don’t force yourself but don’t hold yourself back.
Since you genuinely like each other already this has a great potential for a lasting relationship. Sparks don’t have to fly. When I met my wife I had a good time but it was a slow burn for me until I realized that I did love her. If it doesn’t work out then at least you tried.
MrSirDuckDude − Just be your normal selves as usual! You’re just sprinkling in some romance but honestly the best friend aspect is already a great foundation for this relationship. If you really don’t feel romantically into him then that’s okay but since you’re exploring these feelings,
just be patient and see how it goes because nothing should really change all that drastically as long as you guys stay true to yourselves and honestly express yourselves to each other!