I don’t know if I can still apologize to my daughter’s boyfriend for my behavior towards him

A father in his late 50s reflects on his past prejudices and regrets how he treated his daughter’s boyfriend, a Hispanic man, simply because of his background. Over time, he’s realized his mistakes and has seen how well this man treats his daughter, making him deeply ashamed of his past behavior. Now, he wants to apologize but fears he may not deserve forgiveness. Read the original story below…

‘ I don’t know if I can still apologize to my daughter’s boyfriend for my behavior towards him’

For a long time, I let ignorance and arrogance get the better of me. Those two things ultimately shaped my worldview and caused my to be prejudice. I was of the mentality that my daughter would always date white men. I got along with all her other boyfriends because we agreed politically and because they were white.

Only to find out they treated her like absolute garbage. Now, my daughter is with a Hispanic man. I wasn’t happy about it at first, for reasons you can probably guess. Needless to say, I acted horrible towards this young man, but he was persistent on dating my daughter.

In these last couple of years, I realized that my mentality was severely wrong and have actively worked towards changing it. This man has treated my daughter with such kindness and has done the unthinkable for her.

I’ve never seen her this happy and I’m ashamed it took me this long to see it. I want to apologize to her boyfriend for my inexcusable behavior, but I’m afraid after all I’ve said to him, I have no right to ask for forgiveness. Some advice would be very helpful, thank you.

See what others had to share with OP:

Delucat −  Don’t ask for forgiveness. Apologize. Tell him how wrong you were and that the experience is helping you grow as a person. But beyond all that, the best apology is changed behavior.

FuckBuddiesPodcast −  People go their entire lives not being able to see past this kind of hate, bigotry and ignorance. Don’t waste another second worrying about if it’s too late. Apologize to this man, apologize to your daughter.

It will be up to them if they wish to forgive you, that’s not something you can ask for at this time. But acknowledging the pain you’ve caused others is a major step in setting things right. If only more people could come around the way you have, we’d stand a much better chance in the world. Good luck.

Ladyughsalot1 −  Apologize. Be direct: use the word “r**ist” and don’t beat around the bush. Don’t request forgiveness, explain you understand you have no right to ask or expect that but you hope that over time, *you* can prove that you have changed, and a relationship can be built.

metastasis_d −  I wasn’t happy about it at first, for reasons you can probably guess.. Just say racism

Ground-Rat −  I’m thinking that apologies are in order, for the BF and even your daughter if applicable. Asking for forgiveness, that’s something I wouldn’t do, leave that up to the BF and daughter. Finally show that you are earnest by changing your ways, first through your actions and words, and later hopefully in your heart and mind.

Prejudice/racism are usually hard things to change, it tends to take time and effort, and it’s so easy to slip back to the way you were. So, it will take constant effort and focus. Again in my personal view apologies are in order, asking for forgiveness is not.

Make the apologies without any expectations for forgiveness, and do please try to mend/change your ways, because that’s the only thing that matters long term. Best wishes and good hope to you, your daughter and her boyfriend going forward.. Be strong!

[Reddit User] −  I went through this in high school as the role of your daughter with parents that didn’t accept my s/o. It was incredibly damaging to a lot off my mental health. I wouldn’t admit a lot of the horrible stuff my parents abusively said to me because I was so embarrassed of them and wanted to protect my bf (at the time/now ex bf’s) self esteem to I guess as much I could. I am now 27.

My parents have never given me an apology and of course they haven’t to my ex. I still resent them for what they did to me. I have come to peace a little bit but it forever changed my dynamic with my parents. To them- I know they see love a lot different than I. I also know that their love is circumstantial. Regardless I guess I bluntly need to let you know that your daughter also deserves an apology from you.

Not a please forgive me. But a true apology where you in detail explain some wrongs and how you understand the gravity of this situation. Your actions will speak louder than words. I’m glad you realize your wrongs. I’m glad you’re trying to fix things. Thanks for coming around. Thanks for trying to do what’s right.

Zherine −  I see everyone is telling you to apologize, and I just wanted to say it’s awesome that you’re reflecting on your behavior and you’re going to do what you can to make it right. I hope you’re able to work things out in time

Lanko −  F**k asking forgiveness. You’re already approaching it wrong. He doesn’t need to forgive you. You shouldn’t expect him to. There are three parts to good apology. 1. Demonstrate that you recognize which of your behavior was wrong. “I was wrong when I said/did these things.”

2. Demonstrate that you recognize WHY it was wrong. “Those things I did/said were mean and hurtful, I wasn’t giving you a fair chance.” 3. Demonstrate that you are going to make effort to correct your behavior in future. “Now that I recognize what, and why, I will make an effort to stop that behavior in the future.”

If you can’t hit those three points during your apology. Then your apology is shallow and meaningless. As far as forgiving you goes? If they’re smart. They won’t. Not right away. We’re going into 2020 and the motto is “We don’t accept apologies, we’re only accepting changed behavior.”

Which means. Apologizing isn’t some magic eraser that makes everything better. your relationship is still damaged as a result of your past actions. It’s still strained. All an apology is, is a statement. You’re calling out to your daughter and her boyfriend and you’re saying. “See this Bridge I burned? yeah…

I did that. I get it. It’s not good. it’s time I started repairing it.” Then you start fixing it. That part takes time. It’s still their choice whether or not they decide to walk on it again. As far as fixing it goes. After the initial apology is out of the way. Don’t keep apologizing each time you see him.

That just makes it weird, and it dwells on the negatives in the past. Shift your verbage to just how thankful you are for the impact he’s had on your daughter. Make him feel welcome and appreciated.. Forgiveness comes in its own time.

pandabatron −  Apologies only work when the behavior ceases. Are you saying that youre no longer a r**ist or just that youre okay with this specific gentleman now?
Riddle me this: what if things didnt work out with said gentleman and instead you daughter brought home a black man, and I mean Sydney Portier black not Obama black, what would your woke level be then?

richf3 −  So Mexican daughter who married a white man here! My mom was the same way. She believed white men were the devil and to some extent rightly slow (she’d been badly burned by white men). Growing up she always told me to marry a tall Hispanic man with money . (Huge eye roll). Unfortunately there’s only two types of men in my culture.

The ones who are always amazing gentlemen and treat you like a queen and the ones who are extremely kept and treat you like trash because they were spoiled and believe women wait hand and foot on them.. I kept getting the latter so being that I traveled a lot and was well educated I decided to date outside my race. Bringing home a white man did not please my mother.

Truthfully her behavior carried on and she took any opportunity to poison my family against him. UNTIL! The birth of our son. Not only was my husband the only one to ever stand up to my mom and demand respect for me. But he is the most amazing dad in the world. I heard her once speaking in Spanish to my aunts at my sons first birthday party.

She was raving about how she had never met a man who looked at their child with such love as he did. There was no man that cared for their child like he did. She was in awe of him. Since then she has treated him with nothing but respect and love.

Personally we know she’ll never say sorry but knowing how she feels in Ernest is apology enough. You can still apologize. It wll be greatly respected and never scoffed at. As a father you thought you knew best. It’s honestly amazing you see the error of your ways. Just take him out for a game and beer and let him know how you feel. It’ll be okay 🙂

Do you think it’s ever too late to apologize? Should he take the step, or would it be better to show change through actions rather than words? Share your thoughts below!