I asked my bf for alone time and he told me to pack my stuff and leave for good.

A Redditor shared how her request for a night alone to recharge during quarantine led her boyfriend of over a year to tell her to pack her belongings and leave permanently. Despite trying to balance her own needs with maintaining the relationship, his all-or-nothing approach left her feeling confused and questioning the future of their relationship. Read the full story below.

‘ I asked my bf for alone time and he told me to pack my stuff and leave for good.’

Context: My boyfriend (29m) and I (30f) have been dating since last summer. I live alone in an apartment in downtown DC and he lives alone in a house in Annapolis about 40 mins away. Pre-quarantine, we did well will splitting weekends between the two places. Once states closed for COVID, we decided it made most sense for me to temporarily move in/stay with him in the bigger space with a yard for the dogs.

As you might imagine, it’s had its ups and downs. We were getting a crash course in living together in a space that wasn’t really mine at all, having lots of important conversations, enjoying evenings cooking together and having wine while watching shows together.

We’ve also been irritable due to drastic changes in our daily routines. I have continued to work full time from home (+ overtime due to an even busier schedule) while he is only working a half day once a week. He is bored. I am stressed with work and finding it difficult to decompress.

I am used to/need quiet time to myself to recharge and he likes a noisy household (TVs always on, music on top of that, chattering constantly about sports or draft statistics or things only of interest to him). I’ve tried saying “I’m going upstairs to read” or “I’d just like some quiet time to myself” and it bugs him that I don’t want to do things that he wants. I find myself becoming more snappy and short-tempered from feeling constantly drained, which isn’t fair to him.

Last night he wanted to watch the NFL draft so I made plans to FaceTime my girlfriends upstairs while he did that. I am used to weekly girls nights and miss them as they’re also my primary support network. I heard him downstairs complaining to his dog that I never want to hang out with him.

After FaceTiming I went down and sat on the sofa with him and said “hey I heard you talking to the dog, I came to hang out, how are *your team’s* picks doing?”. He was irritable and replied “ugh it was quiet until you came down”. I’m feeling like I can’t win.

Alright; getting to the point now. I hadn’t been to my apartment in over 3 weeks and needed to go check on it (it’s not in a building, it’s in a row house) and pick up prescriptions I couldn’t have transferred. We were originally going to go together but seeing this irritation with each other I suggested I’d just go alone and take a night or so to myself to recharge and come back.

COVID NOTE: I do not have to interact with anyone to access my apartment. My car already had ample gas. I literally drive from his house to my street, am alone in my apartment. Any exposure to no-contact takeout I would have gotten is the same as if I were there with him.

This morning, when I grabbed some necessities for a night to myself (my laptop because I have to work over the weekend, some underwear, face moisturizer) he got upset and said I might as well take all my stuff and not bother coming back.

I tried to talk through why it was so all-or-nothing for him. He said I clearly didn’t want to spend time with him or be around him so I can just go home for good and we can resume dating when the states open back up. He actually bagged up the remainder of my stuff and took it out to my car for me.

Reddit, I just wanted to read in silence, get my medications (anxiety pills), water my plants, sleep in my own bed alone for a night, watch my own trashy TV shows without interruption. And now I think my relationship is over? I’m feeling frustrated that I attempted to handle this in a productive and proactive way and somehow screwed up.

TLDR; boyfriend said if I wanted a night alone I should just take all my stuff from his house and continue to stay alone through the rest of quarantine (no added exposure risk). I’m confused with his all-or-nothing approach.. So, what do I do from here?

EDIT: wow, this post blew up. THANK YOU for such thoughtful and thought-provoking commentary. I’ve felt really supported and “seen” by a lot of these replies. I’m still reading through and responding to comments but wanted to provide a quick update re: some things I keep seeing pop up.

I am home in my own apartment, alone. He has not contacted me. I spent yesterday drinking wine, cooking, listening to music softly, FaceTiming girlfriends, caring for my plants, and reading a good book. (And checking reddit of course). I am not crying or sad. I feel comfortable and at ease in my space again.

While bf is not working, he is still being paid his full salary. While I am currently working a lot, I normally have a much healthier work-life balance. Some big deadlines happened to coincide with and be exacerbated by the pandemic. it’s only temporary (a few weeks of hellish hustle). I was very clear with my boyfriend before this upswing started, and let him know I was going to be a lot busier and would appreciate his support extra for a couple of weeks until things settled down again.

Many of you have brought up quality time. I have attempted to express my desire for quality time to him. Things as blunt as “let’s hang out together tonight, what should we do?” Or “We’ve been sort of coexisting, let’s plan to do something together more like quality time.” Perhaps I wasn’t resonating with his communication style. Sometimes it would work and we’d have a nice dinner and watch a show together etc. and other times it would end in frustration and not go anywhere.

In regards to the mattress thing, I am hearing all your replies about how it just wasn’t important to him so he didn’t want to compromise. It took my having a very dramatic hysterical emotional breakdown after nights of no sleep for him to realize how important it was we find a solution.

That breakdown was loud and u**y on my part and not a moment I am proud of. It came after numerous “I’m really not sleeping well, I need more sleep than you do, can we work something out so I’m more comfortable” conversations.

I am in therapy and understand I am a highly flawed human with dramatic emotional tendencies as well. I do not always communicate well. I consider myself very self aware and make concerted efforts to require my default actions to create a better life for myself and my loved ones. And, finally, you are all not wrong that I have a low bar for thoughtfulness. It’s not really something I’ve ever experienced in a relationship.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

knotsophia −  Sounds like spending time apart is not the worst idea, go home and decompress and let him reach out.

lagomorpheme −  I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this relationship stress at an already stressful time. To me it sounds like once you moved in together, you found that you had very different needs around space.

This kind of thing isn’t irreconcilable, but your boyfriend seems to be experiencing your need for alone time as a personal r**ection, and his response has been somewhat reactive. Perhaps he is acting up because of covid anxieties, something you mentioned at the start of your post; but it’s mildly concerning that he doesn’t seem to handle your setting boundaries well.

So it’s up to you to decide if this is unusual behavior for him, or whether there have been other warning signs that you’ve overlooked. From there, I think that if you are interested in continuing the relationship, you’ll need to have a talk with him about this behavior, because left unchecked it becomes not okay.

synthesis-synthesis −  I’m sorry you’re dealing with this mid-pandemic. You’ve gotten some amazing responses, and lagomorpheme’s stood out to me. I’m chiming in to highlight that **the primary issues stem less from his personal preferences and more from his responses to the fact that you have different preferences.** You’re both allowed to like louder/quieter environments, more/less solo time, etc.

There’s nothing wrong with what he likes. There’s everything wrong with how he reacts to you being a real person with individual needs and wants. You’re mature enough and compassionate enough to make compromises and meet him halfway.

For example, rather than just disappearing, you actually tell him explicitly when you need to recharge. You don’t expect him to read your mind. After you heard him complaining about you (knowing that you would overhear), you went to keep him company rather than getting upset with his passive-aggression. Even though it’s a difficult time, you’re still trying really hard to be a good partner.

His reactions to your reasonable boundary setting and your discomfort is to complain about you, snap at and insult you, and threaten to dissolve the relationship. Notice that even though he said you shouldn’t bother coming back, *he was actually too immature and too cowardly to say clearly and decisively that you are, in fact, broken up.* So, not only are you upset, but you’re also confused about whether you’re still even in the relationship.

I know you said below you’re going to take some time and just wait for him to reach out. You may want to reconsider. It says a lot about his character and the depth of your relationship that he would ambiguously and impulsively “break up” with you.

The reason why you’re feeling like you can’t win is because he’s setting it up that way. Yes, it’s possible or even likely that there’s some deep, complex narrative around why he does the things he does. But if he doesn’t already:

**1)** acknowledge that he has issues he’d like to work through (like we all do) and

**2)** commit to changing (not for you, but for himself) by seeking outside help
then I wouldn’t personally stick around to dig into it.

**A partner is not a parent. A partner is not a therapist.**

A partner is also not a wastebasket for you to throw in every single thought you’ve ever had. He’s annoyed that you don’t want to be talked at while reading, which is a strange form of entitlement. You talk with your friends; it would help if he talked with his.

I respect whatever choice you make, because you’re the only one who has to live with it. That said, your responses, especially to off\_brand\_gobshite, indicate that having him in your life doesn’t significantly improve it, that you’re afraid you’ll end up alone and thus make decisions based on that fear, and that your bar for romantic partners is low.

Life is always hard, and things are harder for everyone right now. You deserve someone who not only loves you, but who respects, admires, and LIKES you, and whose words and actions reflect that every day. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever argue. It just means that it’ll be you two against the problem rather than you against him or him against you. Good luck with everything.

rthrouw1234 −  I’m feeling frustrated that I attempted to handle this in a productive and proactive way and somehow screwed up. You didn’t s**ew up. Your boyfriend threw a tantrum. Honestly, take him at his word and don’t beg him to reconsider. You’ve been dating less than a year and now you’ve met the “real” him. Yes, it’s an unusual situation. But people face a lot of stressful, s**tty situations – and now you know how he reacts to them.

WootORYut −  Whoo. Bullet dodged. It could have taken years for you to figure out you hated living with each other. Nice!

[Reddit User] −  I’m sorry, just reading this sounded incredibly draining. I really resonate with all you wrote and feel pretty similar in terms of how much time I need with close friends, my boyfriend, and alone. And I personally couldn’t date someone that wouldn’t let me balance all of that. Maybe you could take a break and then try again when ‘Rona passes?

Ladymistery −  You go home, work from home, and in a day or so contact him and have a calm conversation. You figure out if you guys can work it out or not. You’ve also discovered that living together, at least for the foreseeable future, is not going to be…conducive to your relationship. He seems….c**ngy, to be honest. I couldn’t live with someone like that – where you can’t even have an hour to yourself without them demanding your attention.

Lancebanks −  My ex gf was/is a lot like you (we ended due to long distance). I’m an ambivert I can be around people and there’s times I want to be left alone. But I had to adjust to her wanting alone time. Not saying I crowded her, but I did have to adjust.

My first relationship my ex cheated on me. I’m also in school to be a therapist so I pick up on everything and was prone to over think everything. I really started listening to her and realized her alone time wasn’t a personal attack. She still loved me, liked being around me etc, but she needed time to herself. I also found that useful because I would do extra school work or do an extra workout with her focusing on her own time.

When I was using that time to be productive we both came back recharged and happy. It’s not your responsibility to help him grow emotionally. But if you’re feeling up to it, it would be worth saying “it’s not a personal attack you. I still care for you, love you etc. but I need this time to recharge and do some of things I need to do. Not only for work so that I can be there to have a healthy relationship with you.” If he can’t understand that, that’s on him you’ve gone above and beyond

geek_the_greek −  You’re lucky to witness this now what it’s fairly soon rather years into a relationship, or marriage. I get that we live in a very uncertain society, full of anxiety. But clearly doesn’t even try to sympathise or even try to respect your wishes.

Do you really want to continue a relationship with a person that doesn’t even try to understand your position, and instead of.. communicating, bags all your things over to your car, especially in the middle of a pandemic? You’re lucky to see this kind of behaviour now. I’m sorry!

rainyreminder −  He has done you a giant favour. Pack up, move home, and never see him again.

Was the boyfriend’s reaction justified, or was it an unfair response to a reasonable request for personal space? How would you handle a situation where your need for alone time clashes with your partner’s expectations? Share your thoughts below!