I accidentally saw a text on my (28M) girlfriend (29F) computer saying that she feels she’s out of my league. I feel like I have to break up with her?
A 28-year-old man accidentally discovered a hurtful conversation on his girlfriend’s computer where she confessed to her sister that she feels she’s out of his league, finds him unambitious, and wouldn’t want kids with him.
Despite their three-year relationship and shared future plans, the comments crushed his self-esteem and made him question their connection. After confronting her and hearing her emotional apology, he decided to end the relationship, realizing that staying would mean compromising his self-worth. Read the full story below.
‘ I accidentally saw a text on my (28M) girlfriend (29F) computer saying that she feels she’s out of my league. I feel like I have to break up with her?’
TLDR: Went to help gf with presentation, accidentally found a convo between her and her sister where my gf said she’s out of my league, unambitious, eat like s**t, would never want kids with me even if we did want them (we don’t) and would resent me for making less money than her
I’ve been with my girlfriend for around 3 years, everything has been pretty good overall. This happened a few weeks ago so I’ve had time to think on it. My girlfriend had an opportunity to go on a free sunset cruise (fancy dinner, drinks etc) with some coworkers but had a presentation due that night which needed a bit of work, so I said I’d do it so she could go.
Turns out it needed a bit more work than I thought. I was on her macbook and I want to send it to myself to work on the desktop (windows) so I can be more comfortable. So I open messages, can’t find my name in the recent convos, and just type it in the search bar.
When you do that on a Mac it turns out that it’ll show the contacts (if you search a name) and also show the most recent conversations where the search term (my name) was mentioned.
Right before I click my name I notice a message from her sister that says “I like (op) a lot but I feel like you are very much out of his league and he should try harder to be a better man for you“, so I open it (may be s**tty I know) to which my gf responded “I agree”.
I read their convo, nothing more, and she went on to say that she thinks I’m unambitious, “eat like s**t”, “will resent me for making less than her” and that she ”wouldn’t want kids with (me) even if she(gf) did want kids”. She said that I was the one thing keeping her happy though.
This was said during a fight over her never being willing to visit me 1hr away and leaving me to do all the traveling, but then saying she was going to fly 6hrs one way to visit her male friend (only context given) for literally one day. She’d fly in at night, spend one day together, then fly back the following day.
It turned into a fight because she was willing to fly 12hr round trip and spend hundreds of dollars on a flight (and we both have no money because we’re students so it’s a big deal) but wouldn’t travel 1hr away to visit me for an entire weekend. Just to clarify, she didn’t end up going because I thought it was suspicious, we got in a fight and during/after the fight the convo took place.
I’d agree that she probably is out of my league, and she will almost definitely make more money than me, but we both will have doctoral degrees and I expect to make ~120-130k and she’ll probably make ~250-300k, so there is an income disparity but it’s not like I’m not making good money regardless.
I don’t think I eat that bad, and I’m slim (low end of normal bmi) so I don’t think I’m completely out of touch there but definitely not eating salmon and steak every night. There was no mistreatment on either end. I try to do nice things with and for her within the means of my $0 student salary and her parents like me. I just think she doesn’t like me
I almost feel dumb for asking but, I’d be a fool if I didn’t break up with her, right?
Update: yeah we’re done. sorry it wasn’t the dramatic ending some may have been looking for, but I did bring up what I saw, she cried and said she didn’t mean it etc and that was about it. Thanks for the people reminding me I’m a catch because it seems like I forgot that for a bit 😉 but I’ll probably wait a bit before dating again so I won’t be able to see how true that is for a lil while
Small edits/clarification: she didn’t go on the 12hr round trip flights because I called her out, she cheated in the past but not on me (that I know of), and for people saying I’m “cooked” or things like that for waiting this long, I had very important tests to take so I didn’t want the additional drama until they were over so it’s not like I read it and was gonna let it slide
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Psychological-Ad1574 − Mate, put aside what she says for a second. She’s willing to go visit a male friend 6 hours away but unwilling to visit you an hour away ever? That should’ve been the end right there.
oreologicalepsis − 100% d**p her
inkypinkyblinkyclyde − The truth is that you can do better than her. You deserve someone who is as engaged in the relationship as you are.. You deserve to be appreciated. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t see you as beneath her. Break up with her, and when she asks why, tell her that you can do better than her. Because you certainly can.
AdAgitated8109 − Yep, just let her know that you’v been relegated and wish her luck in the upcoming season.
Runneymeade − Wow, she thinks she’s out of your league when you’re the type of guy who’d finish her work for her so she can go party. My friend, you are a true unicorn. Smart, hard-working, humble, and KIND. You should definitely d**p her and find someone who deserves you. Btw, women can have a tendency to talk about their relationships with their family and friends, but dissing your SO like she did is really poor form. And an overnight to an opposite-s** “friend”? No way. She sounds like a user, frankly.
floridaeng − My petty side says to tell her you just don’t think she is up to your standards. You think you deserve to be with someone that wants to be with you and doesn’t just use you as a convenient bed warmer and free tech support.
You’re tired of having to put in most of the effort to keep the relationship going and you have decided you’re tired of settling for her and its time to find someone better. D**p it on her that she is not good enough to keep as a GF and walk away with your head high.
Important_Ladder341 − If that’s all the dynamics in this, something sounds off or she’s extremely entitled. You earn high wages, so you can still provide. Doctoral degree and not ambitious? So, there is something bothering her, and this is her cover, or she has a fairytale ideal of a man worthy of her.
Either way, it’s really judgmental and is more negatively focusing on you. I feel a partner should highlight your strong points. It doesn’t mean excuse bad behavior. She is probably insecure or afraid of something, or she would have left.
SerpentineMedusssa − “Male friend”
Opening_Track_1227 − This was said during a fight over her never being willing to visit me 1hr away and leaving me to do all the traveling, but then saying she was going to fly 6hrs one way to visit her male friend (only context given) for literally one day. She’d fly in at night, spend one day together, then fly back the following day.
It turned into a fight because she was willing to fly 12hr round trip and spend hundreds of dollars on a flight (and we both have no money because we’re students so it’s a big deal) but wouldn’t travel 1hr away to visit me for an entire weekend.. Bro, walk away
suckon-my_bigtoe − Look man it sounds like she has a genuine lack of respect for you. I’m not gonna say d**p her (that’s for you to decide) but you need to take a deeper look into your relationship and decide if she’s someone you want in a partner.
She’s not willing to drive an hour to see you but she’s more than willing to fly 6 for another man. Kinda weird if you ask me. She’s belittling your accomplishments in going for a doctorates. Yes she might have the potential to make more than you, but you could also close that gap with time and experience as well.
That point is irrelevant. If she’s willing to have this conversation with her sister and not with you that’s even more disrespectful. I feel as though she’s looking for confirmation on her feelings to make it easier for her to leave eventually. Look like I said earlier, you have to take a step back and really think about what you want.
Is she the kind of person you want to be with long term? Is she willing to support you through your worst moments? Or would she look down on you for something as trivial as income, especially when the both of you combined would be over 300k.
Whatever decision you make though, you’d have to stick with it, no matter how much you want to go back, no matter how much it hurts. You gotta put yourself first sometimes.
How would you react if you discovered that your partner spoke about you this way? Is there ever a way to rebuild trust after such a revelation? Share your thoughts below!