I accidentally exposed my friend for wearing wigs and have put her in the position of either lying or outing herself

A young woman accidentally exposed her best friend, a trans woman, for wearing wigs during a casual Zoom call with college friends. Now, her friend faces an unfair dilemma: lie about having a serious condition like alopecia or cancer, or come out as trans to people she isn’t ready to tell. The incident has caused a rift, and the poster is seeking advice on how to support her friend and repair the situation. Read the full story below.

‘ I accidentally exposed my friend for wearing wigs and have put her in the position of either lying or outing herself’

Background: My best friend of 9 yrs, we’ll call her Lola, (20F) and I (20F) are quarantining at our apartment together. .She’s trans and has had trouble growing her hair out, so she wears wigs. She has some really cute ones in other colors that she wears for fun and stuff, but she has a standard everyday wig she wears most of the time.

Lola never got the traditional girly childhood, so we’ve been making one for her in quarantine. We built a fort in the living room, have been making friendship bracelets, playing summercamp-style games. It’s a lot of fun!! Last week, Lola mentioned to me that she wanted to start a quarantine diary so that she could document her experiences for future generations. I actually thought it was really cool, and then we got on the topic of journaling and I told her about my first diary – one of those flismy lock diaries that every girl had as a kid.

We bought matching ones as part of our “give Lola her childhood back” crusade. They took a little while coming in, but we got them on Friday. Saturday night, some of our friends from college decided to do an impromptu girl’s night in. Lola was in the shower, so I answered the Zoom without her.

Side note: Lola is NOT out to anybody at our college and I respect that. This is her fresh start and she has a right to decide when she wants to come out to these people, if at all. I know I wouldn’t 100% trust some of the people at our school with something as personal as this.

We were talking about what we’ve been doing in quarantine and I mentioned that we had gotten the diaries. I said it was for the nostalgia and they wanted to see the diaries. We left the box in Lola’s room, so I went in to show them. Lola and I go into each other’s rooms all the time – we’re basically sisters to one another, and it’s just about second nature. When we were younger, we had keys to each other’s houses. I didn’t think anything of it.

I flipped the camera to show the diaries and didn’t flip it back. I got distracted by a cute choker on her dresser and forgot that the camera was flipped/there was anything to hide. They knew Lola has worn wigs out to parties/the club/etc. but her everyday wig was right out in plain view, and one of our nosier friends asked what the “new wig” was. I completely bluescreened and someone else realized that it was Lola’s hair. I genuinely had nothing to say. They were asking why Lola wore a wig and I had no explanation. I didn’t want to out her.

Someone else came to the conclusion that Lola must have cancer or alopecia or some other horrible thing that causes hair loss. They’ve decided that she was just too embarrassed to say, and they all started going on about “poor Lola” etc. I just didn’t know what to say and I said it wasn’t my place to confirm/deny. I hung up and immediately told Lola. I apologized profusely, and I know how badly I fucked up. I feel so guilty about it. But, understandably, she’s upset.

Now, she’s being forced to decide whether or not to out herself. Lola, understandably, doesn’t want to lie about having some serious disease and people are already trying to “show support.” At the same time, though, she doesn’t want to have to come out. I don’t know wha tto do. I want to support her, but she doesn’t want to even see me right now. TL;DR: I exposed my friend’s wigs and have put her in a tough spot. What are good ways to help and support her? Should I try to do damage control and tell people to just b**t out? What good can I do in this situation?

Check out how the community responded:

[Reddit User] −  Honestly just say what you did here – she wants to have long hair but struggles to grow it out. That’s the truth and she doesn’t have to deeper than that.

goshyarnit −  One of my friends has a pixie cut deliberately so it’s easier to put on all her fun wigs! She has dozens. She can just say to your friends “oh it’s a pain braiding my hair up under it so I keep it really short and just wear my wigs.”
That’s if she wants to explain herself at all, she has no obligation to.

You’re a good friend, OP. Remember to force the “obsessed with one particular animal” phase into your childhood recreation. Every girl goes through that phase. My best friend had dolphins, and I think everything I owned had a tiger on it for about two years straight! She’s gotta pick an animal and obsess over it for a bit. I don’t make the rules.

mera_aqua −  Wearing wigs is quite popular with models. How do you think they go from a dramatic short bob to long healthy hair. Kylie Jenner has an entire wadrobe of wigs. Lola doesn’t have to say anything other than she likes long hair and is currently grown a short cut out

XxhumanguineapigxX −  Honestly I’d just say she has trouble growing her hair long and likes long hair so a wig is easier than extensions. You messed up sure but it was an accident, you seem like a really good friend so don’t beat yourself up too much about it!

[Reddit User] −  I agree with other comments saying Lola should be honest that she wants long hair but struggles growing it out. I want to add that the key part of this delivery is to be totally nonchalant about it. If Lola is just like “oh ya those are my wigs, my damn hair is so thin, what did you guys have for lunch?” It’ll hopefully be glossed over versus making a thing of it. And you can always be honest and say you froze up because you weren’t sure what Lola would want you to say. I appreciate so much that you’re giving Lola the childhood she never had and I’m sure she does too.

DudesworthMannington −  we’ll call her Lola. Either you’re really cheeky or I’m really old.

edgyusername123 −  First of all, you sound like a great friend to her, and I love hearing how much support and positivity she gets for you and her friends. It’s amazing. As for the hair, if you explain to her how it was an accident, and how sorry you were hopefully she will understand. From there, help her to figure out how she would like to tell them about this topic. Ask her if she would like you to clear it up, or if she wants to do it on her own. Other than that, continue being your supportive self.

[Reddit User] −  A pretty good explanation would be or say 1. She can’t grow her hair out well and 2. She doesn’t want to damage anything with hair dye. Just likes to switch things up and have fun with different hair types. that puts her in the spot to own it as a stylistic choice.

Weirdbirdnerd −  There’s a third option: Tell them she doesn’t like her natural hair and wigs make her feel more confident without having to dye and process her natural hair. Tell them that her hair is thin, brittle, damaged, hard to grow, whatever you want, and that the wigs make her feel pretty, but she doesn’t want to talk about it because it’s a sore spot.

Hell, she can even tell them “because I like to” and if they ask for more information she just can say “it saves me so much time” or “you know that feeling when you take your bra off after a long day? I get that with my wig too” or “because I think it’s cool.” I’ve had tones of friends do “weird” things that when asked, just say something along the lines “I like to, it’s cool” and that’s that. She doesn’t HAVE to tell people the truth, and she might feel better being reminded it’s not just trans girls and cancer patients that wear wigs anymore.

Look up Glam & Gore. A completely normal girl who in pretty much all of her videos wears wigs. Most celebrities wear wigs too: most of the Kardashian-Jenners, Rihanna, Cardi B…. I’m sure there’s dozens more, but that’s who I can think of off hand.

DangOlTiddies −  You sound like a really great friend and I’m glad she has somebody so supportive as you. As far as giving your friends a reason as to why she wears a wig she can always just say something like “I just like to wear them.” She doesn’t need to have some reason other than the basic truth. She doesn’t have to go on with a further explanation on why she likes to wear wigs. She can keep it as vague and nonchalant as she wants to. Also your friend group aren’t exactly entitled to an explanation, they should respect her privacy even if she never addresses it.