I [36F] declined to send my boyfriend [48M] n*des, so he accessed my personal email to see if he could find any in my sent messages to others?

A 36-year-old Reddit user is deeply troubled by her boyfriend’s disregard for her personal boundaries. Despite her consistent refusals to share nudes and her requests for privacy, he has repeatedly violated her space, including going through her closet and underwear drawer, grilling her about past relationships, and even accessing her personal email to search for nudes she never sent.

She feels this behavior is part of a larger pattern of entitlement to her privacy. The user is considering ending the relationship and wonders if counseling could help change his behavior or if it is a permanent trait.

‘ I [36F] declined to send my boyfriend [48M] n*des, so he accessed my personal email to see if he could find any in my sent messages to others?’

I have been with my partner for coming up on three years now and it seems like he has always shown a certain disregard for my personal space/boundaries. Early in the relationship he asked me to send him n*des and I said no, I have never sent one and won’t start now. Saying it once was not enough; he kept asking but eventually he did leave it alone.

Fast forward from that and he moved in with me a while back because his lease was up and he hadn’t found a new one. Shortly after arriving in my home he went through my closet and underwear drawer and grilled me about unused s** toys that had been a gag gift from a female friend after my last breakup.

I explained at that time that I didn’t feel being in a relationship with him meant I relinquished all right to privacy or my own space. More recently he began to grill me about the last time I had talked to my ex before him and I said “not since we’ve been together.” I couldn’t figure out why he was so stuck on it.

Eventually he admitted that he had accessed my phone, which I didn’t lock at the time, read through like seven years of my email looking for any n*des I had sent to others (none; I have never sent a n*de) and found an email I had sent to my ex saying I wasn’t comfortable being friends on social media after said ex sent me a friend request.

(This one e-mail had been sent while current BF was broken up with me and dating another woman, and I had literally forgotten about it given that even that exchange happened years ago).
Anyway, I have been unable to get past the feeling that this is not only a tremendous violation of my privacy and anyone’s who emailed me,

but also just the latest in a pattern of him feeling entitled to my personal space. I’m seriously considering ending the relationship over it. Assuming I can get him to go, do you think there is any chance of counseling improving this side of him or is failure to respect my privacy just a trait he’s always going to have?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

MLeek −  Assuming I can get him to go, do you think there is any chance of counseling improving this side of him? Doubtful. If he’s not the one coming to you, acknowledging he royally messed up and clearly needs urgent support to make better choices… Than no. The chances of real improvement are slim to nil. is failure to respect my privacy just a trait he’s always going to have?

Most likely. And you know that. You know these are the dice you are rolling each day you stay with someone who felt entitled to you, even past versions of you, in that extreme, violating way.

Waffles4Life123 −  Holy s**t, this is so far beyond a red flag… I would d**p this dude immediately.. 1. i**asion of privacy. 2. paranoia. 3. not respecting your boundaries

Individual-Foxlike −  Saying it once was not enough; he kept asking but eventually he did leave it alone. You should have left at this point. He’s a grown adult, he knows that no means no and pressuring others isn’t okay. His personal enjoyment was more important to him than your comfort. He then deep dove into paranoiaville. There’s no fixing this. Run far, FAR away.

RandomlyPlacedFinger −  I’ll echo this, but also…this behavior is dangerous. He has no regard for your privacy, no respect for your boundaries, and no trust in you. He will ***always*** be looking for something to prove him right. Your relationship is over, unless you want to spend the rest of your life working to prove your fidelity to a man that inherently doesn’t trust you, or anyone probably.

He’s got insecurity issues out the backside, and has already gotten to the point where it’s dangerous. It’s time and past time to get him out of your place. You are not safe.

zo_you_said −  I wonder if you have any idea how dangerous this guy is?

Optimal-Technology75 −  Breach of privacy, abort boyfriend mission.

StrongFreeBrave −  Stop thinking it’s your job to fix or save this dumpster fire of a person. He’s repeatedly violated boundaries, your privacy, he doesn’t respect you … What more do you need?.

Used-Ad-200 −  Is he living with you? And you want him to move out? Seven years of email searching!?! He dug deep and went into archived emails looking for nudes. Wow… check your home for hidden cameras. He is a dumpster fire and you don’t have a fire extinguisher big enough to put it out. You “feel” he’s violated your privacy? … no dear… he has definitely violated your privacy!

Imagine any attempts to have a social life with friends, family and coworkers will be met with suspicion and doubt. His jealousy, suspicions and paranoia are not healthy. Lose this paranoid insecure boundary breaking l**er. I hope you understand his behavior is probably the reason he was single when you met him. You’re not the first woman he’s done this to.

wemblewobble −  He doesn’t respect you, not just your privacy. No amount of therapy is going to change that. Sure, you can get some sheen on a turd if you polish it enough, but it’s still a pile of poop. I also don’t think you’re safe from s**ual a**ault – he’s already proven when you don’t give him what he wants he’ll ignore your no and try to take it anyway.

fiery_valkyrie −  This guy thinks he is so entitled to images of your n**ed body that he invaded your privacy to find some. If he had found them he would have looked at them without your consent. Who knows what else he would have done with them since words like privacy and consent don’t seem to be part of his vocabulary. Is counselling going to teach him basic respect for other people? I doubt it. He has serious main character syndrome.