I (35F) not sure if my marriage is going to work out with husband (45M).

A Redditor has been grappling with significant emotional strain in her marriage after her husband’s behavior shifted drastically following the birth of their second child. While their relationship was initially good, his recent actions—being cruel, dismissive, and selfish—have left her questioning whether the marriage can be saved.

Though he has suggested couples therapy, she’s uncertain if it’s worth the effort or if walking away would be the best solution. Read on for a deeper look at the complexities she’s facing in her relationship.

‘ I (35F) not sure if my marriage is going to work out with husband (45M).’

My husband (45M) and I (35F) have been together for 10 years. We have two children, an 8 year old and a 9 month old. My husband was a very nice husband before I was pregnant and during my second pregnancy. After our second baby was born he started being very mean to me.

He has always been a bit selfish, but it was always something I could handle before. He tries to ruin things I have planned. As an example, I was going to take my dad to an event and my husband calls me and tells me he is going to be two hours late to watch the kids because he has to go shopping.

Then he tries to push me to be mad at him. He will say, does this upset you? Are you getting mad? Then he will act like I’m the crazy person when I do get upset with him. He makes fun of my hobbies or puts down and activity I do.

I actually took up running because he likes it and it was something I could do without him making fun of me. We planned to go on a run together and I set up a babysitter for an hour. I was waiting for him to show up and he never did. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was running.

So he left me hanging while he still got to enjoy the activity. This also wasted a precious hour of babysitting time. He is also unnecessarily cruel. I went on a four day trip with our two kids. He stayed at home because he had to work. When I came home he told me that maybe he could pick me up from the airport but maybe not.

I told him it’s fine I will take a cab. But even up until I got on my plane ride he was telling me if he was free he would be at the airport but there was no guarantee. Then after I got home he immediately started lecturing me on spending money on our older son.

Which, after a four day trip of taking care of two kids (one being a baby) I was just exhausted and didn’t want to be lectured the second I walked through the door. So I just told him I agree with you and I’m sorry. But he just kept going and going.

Other examples of him being cruel are him telling a family member that I can’t handle the baby by myself. pouring a pop down the sink that I gave him saying he doesn’t want that pop and then grabbing the exact same brand of pop out of the fridge to drink.

I could go on but I think these might be enough examples. Like I mentioned earlier, these behaviours have been happening after our second baby was born. As things happen I do usually call him out on the spot, but he usually gaslights me in the moment and we get nowhere.

He wants to go to couples therapy or just personal therapy for himself (his idea). But I’m honestly wondering is it worth it? I would prefer not to divorce but I’m honestly wondering if we could save this marriage or should I just walk away?

Tl;dr: husband has been treating me very badly for several months. He wants to go to couples therapy but I feel like the damage is done. How do I proceed?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

CleverLatinMotto −  He wants to go to couples therapy. **Never EVER go to therapy with an abuser.** All that will happen is that, as you unburden yourself in a supposedly safe space, he will use the information against you afterwards.

He will gaslight you, insisting that the therapist didn’t say what you know damn good and well she did. He’ll try and wear you down and have you doubting your memories and feelings.

If that doesn’t work? He’ll insist that the therapist is biased against him and refuse to go. He’ll counselor shop until he finds someone he’s sure will side with him–i.e., someone incompetent who will do the lazy, “the truth is somewhere in the middle” b**lshit.

Please, PLEASE, get therapy for yourself, alone. Your husband is abusing you and it’s only going to get worse. You will reject the “a” word–victims always do at first–so if you want to call it “toxic behavior,” that’s okay. Having said that, can you look up the following terms for me?. * cycle of abuse. * trauma bonding. * g**lighting.

*Issendai sick systems. Your husband’s sudden change is par for the abuser’s course. They always wait for a moment when they believe that you are well and truly “caught” to start the bullying, the insults, the long slog to destroy your self-esteem.

I know, your first instinct will be to fix him. Please don’t. You can’t. And no, it doesn’t matter why he does what he does: the important thing is that he IS doing it and that it will destroy you.

Please visit either/or Thehotline and loveisrespect. Read through their resources. **Do not use any of your personal electronics to do this.** Get a copy of *Why Does He Do That?*, **but don’t keep it anywhere that he can find it.**

This man will not only destroy *you,* he will destroy your children as well: growing up in a home with an abuser is…abuse. If you won’t save yourself, PLEASE save your children. If you don’t, they will resent, even hate, you for having done nothing to protect them.

DrKatieBowman −  When i took my kids on a 4 day trip w/o my husband he showed up at the train station at midnight, muscled his way on to the platform even though the train staff said it wasn’t allowed. He said i was traveling alone and it would be impossible for me to get our kids and luggage off the train by myself.

He waited until 1:30am with our stroller and baby carrier b/c of the delayed train. WHEN THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN NEEDS YOU TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT, YOU PICK HER AND YOUR KIDS UP AT THE F**KING AIRPORT.

travelbug898 −  Your husband doesn’t seem to give a s**t about you and your feelings at all. He is abusive and if you don’t want to subject your kids to his abuse, you need to leave. Do not go to couples therapy with an abuser. It will only give them more ammo to use against you.

phoenixrising8580 −  I really have a gut reaction that he may be having an affair or affairs. It’s common for guys to start putting down their partner when they do this. Running 2 hours late to a family event because he needs to go shopping ?! please. I’d loose my s**t on my husband instantly in that situation.

He’s looking for excuses to be away from you and the kids… I think you’re better off moving on just based on how he’s treating you but I’d bet money on an affair being the catalyst for how he treats you.

Rather than realizing the affair is their problem and their flaw they put the blame on the other person … my partner is so (fill in the blank here) that’s why I’m incapable of keeping my pants on… it’s sad but I’ve seen it happen so much it’s kind of a classic tell tale sign. God I hope I’m wrong though. I was cheated on and I’d wish it on no one!

Dustandglitter −  You sound terribly unhappy. He’s suggested therapy but from an outsider perspective that just feels like he wants to stick a band aid on a gaping wound.

If you’re looking for people to tell you to leave… Leave. You need to think about what’s right for you and your well-being, and that of your kids. Do you want them growing up thinking the way he treats you is the right way to treat a loved one?

BonniePonnie −  So this might be out there.. but this happened in my family. A cousins husband started acting completely out of character. Years and years they were together and started acting like you have described. It started slowly, and got worse and worse.

Have you considered having him checked out? In my cousin’s case, she left with the kids, but down the road he he was forced to seek medical care. He had a brain tumor. It was found so late sadly it was too late. The behavior you are describing seems really malicious. If these are traits you never saw before your second child and before they started would say was completely out of his character, I would urge you to get him seen.

roskybosky −  He is deliberately doing these things because he doesn’t respect you and he wants out. Try to find out if he is hiding assets or money. He sounds like the type who will suddenly turn poor when you divorce, so be careful.

dumpsztrbaby −  The pouring pop down the sink thing, yeah, no. He’s being a crazy a**hole on purpose and seeing what he can get away with. Get out now.

[Reddit User] −  I don’t think there’s any therapy that can fix this. He’s just a j**k, plain and simple.

ValuableTravel −  Since he was never like this before your second child was born, I think he’s having an affair and/or a mid-life crises. He’s trying hard to find fault with you. That’s a classic mistake when someone is unhappy with themselves – blame their unhappiness on the easiest target that isn’t themselves.

Since he is currently abusing you, and he wants to go to therapy tell him to go to therapy and figure his s**t out or you are leaving. Draw the line at his bad treatment of you and mean it.

I would also do some snooping if I were you to see if he’s seeing someone. Screenshot whatever you find and save it. Whatever his unhappiness is, it’s not your doing so refuse to take any blame and turn it back on him. If he’s resistant, I would quietly shop for the best divorce lawyer in town and get your plan B in place.

Sometimes, the hardest part of a relationship is deciding whether it’s worth saving when one partner’s behavior becomes toxic. What do you think—can a marriage recover from emotional neglect, or is it healthier to move on when the trust and respect have eroded? Share your insights or personal experiences in the comments.