I [35F] just spent my first Christmas with my fiancé’s [31F] family. How can I walk things back to doing holidays separately?

A 35-year-old woman has spent her first Christmas with her fiancé’s (31F) large, close-knit family. While she appreciates their warmth, she’s struggled with the differences in lifestyle, from her allergies to their love of meat and sports.

The experience has made her realize how much she misses spending the holiday with her dad, leaving her torn between maintaining harmony with her fiancé’s family and her own needs. She’s now seeking advice on how to suggest spending Christmas separately in the future without hurting anyone’s feelings. Read the full story below.

‘ I [35F] just spent my first Christmas with my fiancé’s [31F] family. How can I walk things back to doing holidays separately?’

Lila and I have been dating for two years, engaged and living together for one of them. She’s extremely close with her family and we fly out to visit them probably 3-4 times per year at least.

I’ve always really liked them (and from everything she and they have told me, they like me a lot too), but we come from very different backgrounds and after this first longer holiday visit I find myself feeling like I’m too uptight and high-maintenance to consistently do major holidays with them going forward.

For context: I grew up a big coastal city as part of a small and very type-A family, my brother is estranged and my mother passed away when I was in my teens so it’s really just my dad and I now.

Lila’s family lives in the small rural town where she grew up, and she’s the only one who’s ever left the area; her brothers and sister all live within an hour’s drive. They’re unpretentious and down-to-earth folks, which is in some ways a breath of fresh air compared to how I was raised, but I’ve realized that as terrible as this makes me sound…I kinda hit my limit with some aspects of it after about 3 nights (we’re here for 8 this time).

There’s obviously a lot to unpack as to why, but a few of the big reasons:

1. I’m very allergic to cats and they have four, one of which used to be Lila’s until we moved in together. Even on the maximum dose of Claritin and two rounds of allergy shots I’m usually completely stuffed up and miserable after a couple days here, especially since their standards of clean are a lot more relaxed than mine.

The obvious solution to this one would be “stay in a hotel”, but we’ve tried that and all it did was quadruple the price of the trip and make Lila sad that we were missing out on some of the late-night family time. It didn’t even help my allergies much because we ended up spending so much time over there during the day anyway (there’s not a lot else to do in town, and they’re big homebodies besides).

2. I’m a vegan, which they have a lot of trouble accommodating since they’re absolutely “meat and cheese in everything” types. I try to eat some animal products while I’m here so as not to be a burden, but after so long they tend to really upset my stomach even in small quantities.

I’ve tried offering to buy/prepare my own ingredients and meals but I can tell this rubs the family the wrong way, since food is a big love language for them. They try their best, they just really struggle with figuring out how to have options around for me, especially since it’s easy to forget to check the ingredients on things like seasoning mixes and sauces.

3. Their biggest pastimes are watching (or talking about) sports and playing cards, neither of which I did much of growing up. I’ve made an effort to learn more about both over the past few years so I can participate, but I still have trouble keeping up.

All in all, after about day 4 of this trip I found myself feeling like the villainous “high-maintenance big-city fiancé who’s clearly wrong for the sweet small-town main character and gets dumped halfway through the movie” from every Hallmark Christmas film ever. Lila’s family was (as always) extremely welcoming and kind to me, but I’m obviously still in my head.

And beyond all that, maybe the biggest thing is that this is the first Christmas where I’ve “chosen” a partner’s family over spending the holiday with my dad, and it felt horrible. He put on a brave face about it, but each time I’ve talked with him this week I can tell how sad and lonely he is.

The idea was originally to invite him to spend Christmas with Lila’s family too starting next year, but my dad is even more of an uptight nerd than I am (he was an anesthesiologist and basically only knows how to interact with other introverted science-y types), and if I felt this out of place I can’t imagine how much more uncomfortable he’d feel in this setting.

And even though my family is so small compared to Lila’s, the idea of never spending a Christmas in my family home again actually makes me really sad, more so than I expected it would. All this to say, I’m trying to figure out how to pitch the idea of going back to doing Christmases separately to Lila, without sounding like a horrible snooty ingrate.

I was considering suggesting alternating whose family we do Thanksgiving with, so that we still spend a major holiday with each other’s families regularly, but just going to our respective hometowns at Christmas (we don’t want children, so this wouldn’t create a who-gets-to-see-the-grandkids issue in the future).

But then again, how can I even bring this up when she’s so close with them? Even today she was getting teary because she’s sad we only have two days left before we leave, meanwhile I’m crawling up the walls. I just don’t know how to approach this without making her and her family feel totally rejected, and I’m at a loss here.

Tl;dr my fiance’s family are wonderful people, but staying with them for prolonged periods is a struggle for me and leaving my dad alone at Christmas is breaking my heart. How can I suggest that we go back to doing Christmas separately?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

halfhoursonearth_ −  I think it’d be reasonable for you to just spend a few days with her family, then head home or to see your dad while she stays? I think even people who get on really well with their in-laws would find 8 days a bit much (I know I would!).

29AV96 −  39M, I would say just communicate how you feel. Between missing your dad, feeling like a burden with the food, and of course the allergy. Then try to come up with a compromise. I don’t know your financial situation but it sounds like you aren’t necessarily saying she needs to come with you so maybe you can do a few days at her families then go to your dads on your own. I don’t know just a suggestion. But communicating and trying to come up with a compromise is my suggestion

flossiedaisy424 −  Why are you going for 8 days? That’s way too much. Go for 3 or 4, and either bring your dad or see him right before or after the girlfriend’s family. Her family doesn’t need to have the entire holiday break and I honestly don’t know anyone of my acquaintance who spends the entire holiday break away from home at their family’s place.

Mostly because none of us can be away from work/have the money. Also, the girlfriend’s family sounds a lot like mine and I love hanging out with them, but I’ve been here 4 days and now I’m going home.

furfree1 −  People who care about you will try to make you feel welcome and accepted. Your fiancé’s parents can’t even prepare food you can eat? That’s literally the least they can do. There’s no excuse for not googling easy vegan dishes to accommodate you.

They can’t even pick up some pita bread and hummus for you? And I don’t understand your fiancé not intervening. When I was dating my now husband, he always made sure there was food that I could eat. His mom would do the same. He’d check restaurant menus and suggest alternatives for family events.

Don’t even get me started on the allergies. I would vacuum top to bottom, change sheets, and launder pillow covers whenever he came over since I knew he was allergic to my family’s cat. If her family isn’t doing it, why isn’t she stepping in and doing it herself?

Nothing in your post indicates you’re a high strung big-city person with outlandish expectations. These are basic things that anyone that cares for you should do without you even needing to ask for it.

randiesel −  8 days is crazy. I love my in-laws and a day or two is close to my max. Hell, I love my own family, but after we’re done opening presents I’m ready to go home.

mjcornett −  Alternate holidays is a totally fair compromise, regardless of her closeness. I’m similar to your fiancé, with a big family that is very close and I’m currently spending my first Christmas away from them with my husband’s family because it is what is fair.

We spent Thanksgiving with my family, and next year we will have the opposite. Your fiancé has to understand that regardless of the size of your family, you also deserve to spend the holidays with those you love and who make you feel at home. 

ultraprismic −  Maybe you, Lila and your dad could rent an Airbnb nearby, and Lila can spend the bulk of her time with her family while you guys just join for dinner and/or activities outside the house?

badlcuk −  I agree with the sentiment of just have a conversation with your partner – share your concerns around being burdensome, the allergies, missing your father, etc. Make it a conversation with your partner where both of you look to find a solution.

Dont propose the solution of you never visiting her family again, that may not BE the best solution, just bring up the issues and start to brainstorm as a partnership. It’s VERY normal to want to prioritize your dad in this situation, and you can talk about your love for him and missing him without suggesting that spending time with her family is not what you want.

You can want everything – your dad to be prioritized, for you to not be suffering severely every holiday, etc. It’s not about her family “being rejected”. Work together on finding a middle ground here.

_Jahar_ −  I’m an American, I once had a guest for the 4th of July who was vegan. I couldn’t make anything main course good enough to eat imo so I got them a main thing and some sides from Whole Foods that everyone else could share too.

My point is – it’s not hard, and it’s kind of their “job” as a host to make everyone feel welcome. Especially at Christmas. It doesn’t sound like they’re doing enough. And maybe you can get a prescription allergy med just for the next time you visit?

LaalaahLisa −  My partner and I don’t spend Xmas together…I go to my family, he goes to his. There is no resentment. Everyone should be able to have their own family time without being questioned or made feel guilty.

My partner will go to his family usually 23rd Dec and I go to my family 23rd Dec, we spend Xmas with our respective families and we return to each other 27th Dec. This has been our way for years – we also don’t have children which does help…he has nibblings he wants to see, my parents are getting older and want to squander as many memories as possible!

It’s only your dad and you, he’s getting older, you want to spend the holidays with him because he is YOUR family. She wants to spend holidays with HER family…why is this an argument?

Just say “babe, I found it really hard their year being away from my dad, he is all that I’ve got, next year I’m going to stay back with dad, I don’t want to miss out on him or the memories we can make. You still go to your family and we’ll get back together for new year”. That’s it, end of, no discussion..

Balancing family traditions with personal comfort and emotional needs can be tough. Have you ever had to navigate similar situations during the holidays? How did you approach it, and what advice would you offer? Share your thoughts below!