I [35 M] feel like I made a huge mistake by marrying my wife [30 F], but I also feel like a huge h**ocrite because I was the one who changed.

A Redditor feels like he’s made a mistake in marrying his wife, who shares his traditional upbringing, but now feels trapped in a dynamic he once wanted. While he initially encouraged her to stay home with their child, his evolving perspective on partnership and equality has led to resentment and unhappiness. Read the full story below.

‘ I [35 M] feel like I made a huge mistake by marrying my wife [30 F], but I also feel like a huge h**ocrite because I was the one who changed.’

My wife Sarah and I have been married for 7 years and we have been together for a total of 10 years. I was raised in a very traditional and religious household and was brought up believing that men are the breadwinners and women should stay at home with the kids.

Sarah was raised in an equally religious household and had similar views as I did. After college, I got a job doing financial work for a large company and moved to a different city. I didn’t know anyone in the area and decided that attending one of the local churches would help me meet new people.

Sarah was one of the church members and I fell head over heels for her. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on and she is also extremely kind and caring. After a year of dating, I proposed to her and we were married after a two year engagement.

After the wedding, Sarah finished her degree and started talking about having children. I asked her to wait a few years until I started earning enough money and she agreed. Kids went on the backburner for a while and Sarah dedicated herself to creating a home for us while I went to work.

A few years passed and I finally got the promotion at work. Sarah was ecstatic and we both agreed that we could have the baby. Sarah and I tried for only two months before she became pregnant. She was thrilled, but my happiness was mixed with a bit of apprehension and nervousness.

I didn’t know if I could handle taking care of another human and it was scary. I decided to s**k it up and put on the brave face for Sarah’s sake. Our son was born and Sarah devoted herself to caring for him. Because I had been promoted, I started spending less and less time at home.

The job was demanding and I was working 70+ hour weeks. I had to wake up earlier and earlier while Sarah stayed in bed and slept. When I came home, Sarah always looked relaxed and happy, playing with the baby. I know that I was being irrationally jealous, but I started to resent Sarah.

Taking care of the baby seemed so much easier than my job and I hated how all of the financial responsibility fell back on me. It has been two years since I started feeling this resentment and I started going to a therapist, but it’s not helping.

I hate coming home every day and trying to speak with Sarah. She has never had a job and does not understand how stressed I am from working. It’s like I am speaking to a child whenever I try to discuss anything like finances or any topic more in depth than what is taught in high school.

I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t feel like my equal. I know that this isn’t Sarah’s fault, but I feel like I am trapped and I just want out.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

[Reddit User] −  ‘Taking care of the baby seemed so much easier than my job’. Yeah, well it isn’t and you need to find a way to realize that taking care of a kid full time is physically and mentally exhausting.

Especially since you state you’re working 70 hours a week and made no statement about how your home is falling apart, which implies that it hasn’t. Which means your wife is also running your home. She’s probably working as much as you here, bub, and you’re the one who seems to not be acting the adult.

codayus −  I didn’t know if I could handle taking care of another human and it was scary.. It can be pretty scary, yeah. I know that I was being irrationally jealous, but I started to resent Sarah. Taking care of the baby seemed so much easier than my job and I hated how all of the financial responsibility fell back on me.

Interesting how you flipped from “it’s super scary” to “it’s super easy”. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. It has been two years since I started feeling this resentment and I started going to a therapist, but it’s not helping.. Change therapists?

I hate coming home every day and trying to speak with Sarah. She has never had a job and does not understand how stressed I am from working. It’s like I am speaking to a child whenever I try to discuss anything like finances or any topic more in depth than what is taught in high school.

I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t feel like my equal. I know that this isn’t Sarah’s fault, but I feel like I am trapped and I just want out. Keep in mind that you have no idea how hard her job is,

and she probably feels (just like you feel about her) that you have the easy job and that she can’t talk to you about her day or her challenges. Couldn’t she say something like “you’ve never been a stay at home parent, you don’t understand how stressed I am from working.

It’s like I’m speaking to a teenager whenever I try to discuss anything like parenting or any topic more in depth than what is taught in high school home ec. I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t feel like my equal”?

I think you need a new therapist and I think you may want to look into couples counselling. She needs to know how you feel, and you need to know how she feels. This problem sounds like it’s built up inside your head. The solution is to talk.

Also, implicit in your post is the idea that if she had a job, she’d be more interesting to talk to. Maybe so. But you know, just because she has a job doesn’t mean she’d have *your* job, or have any clue about your particular job’s challenges, jargon, challenges. Or care.

You can talk to her about accounting (or whatever it is you do) and she can talk to you about engineering (or whatever it is she did), and then you could both be annoyed at the other for being out of their depth. How does that help?

Look, if the two of you wanted to, you could spend 20 minutes every day talking about your job; it wouldn’t take more than a few weeks max before she was up to speed on what your job is like. If you don’t want to, that’s a big issue, but it’s an issue with your *relationship*, not the fact that she doesn’t work outside the home.. For me the key is this:

It doesn’t feel like Sarah is an adult. Yet she is. She’s 30, has a kid, and apparently is doing a good job taking care of them. She’s apparently a very functional adult. The fact that you don’t feel like she’s an adult is a huge problem, but the solution is going to be looking at the root of your feelings, not asking her to grow up.

Edit: It feels like the process is a bit like: 1. I don’t respect my wife and don’t view her as a functional adult. 2. She seems to be handling being a SAHM okay. 3. It must be easy!

That’s not good logic. I think you may also want to rethink how many hours you’re puttting in at work if you’re not enjoying it. Also, you may want to think about what your wife does beyond looking after the kid. I imagine she does a lot to support you.

If she does a good job if it (and it sounds like she is) it’ll be practically invisible, but it’s still there. How well do you know what her average day looks like? How much free time does she have?

cathline −  Keep up the counseling. And add couples counseling. You two have communications and expectations issues. You originally agreed to her never working. You are changing the game now. Why didn’t she work before you two decided to have a child? You write like you agreed on that.

You should probably get a vasectomy so you don’t have any more children, just in case. Taking care of a house and child is not easy. You can pay 20/hr for a maid, more for the cook, and I don’t know how much for a nanny while your wife works.

So you can come home to an irritable spouse, a cranky baby and someone who doesn’t want to hear about your day. For some folks – you are living the dream. You get to come home to a clean and happy household. Your child is being raised by a primary parent.

You don’t have to worry about your wife cheating on you or doing drugs or abusing your child or being a financial drain. She isn’t dumping her daily woes on you – instead she is taking care of things – getting the furnace fixed, waiting for the plumber, painting the spare room, decorating for the holidays, making good food, etc.. And you resent that.

You may need a different counselor, but keep trying. Here are some other things that can help — Hit the gym – get those endorphins flowing! Learn something new – take a parenting class or two. Teach your child to ride a tricycle or fly a kite, etc.

upsidedownward −  Have you talked to your wife about this at all? I know this is repeated in every post in this sub, but it still bears repeating: communication is key.

If you haven’t done counseling with your wife yet, I’d definitely suggest it. If she’s in the dark about how you’re feeling, then it’s not fair to her or your child if you just jump ship before seeing if it can be saved.

illinoiscentralst −  OK first of all, someone has to say it: you’re a d**bass for not examining your views. 35 f**king years my man, not once have you seriously examined your beliefs. Can’t blame this one on mom and dad.

You started resenting your wife because all of the financial responsibility fell back on you? Well guess what, it didn’t fall back on you, you deliberately took it on and as soon as it started going to s**t, instead of taking ownership and steps to fix it, you just blamed your wife.

Besides, she doesn’t feel like your equal not because your requirements changed but because you started undermining her in your head. I find it very difficult to believe that all of a sudden, having a stimulating conversation about current news with your wife has become so much more important to you than it has ever been.

TimePanda −  First of all, taking care of a kid is no walk in the park. Once they start moving around, they’re basically looking for new and creative ways to kill themselves constantly. Yes, your job is demanding, but she isn’t laying on the couch with the kid watching soap operas all day.

Now that that’s out of the way, what does your therapist say to all of this? You say that it’s not helping, but what exactly is being suggested to you? I’m guessing that you haven’t communicated much of your feelings to your wife, so that would be my suggestion of where to start.

You could also discuss what she wants to do when the kid is old enough to go to school. My mom was a stay at home mom, but once I was in school, she got some part time jobs, joined the PTA, and volunteered all over the place. I feel that it really helped her establish herself and make her feel good.

Lastly, I think you need to start dating your wife again. Get a sitter and go out, just the two of you. It could be that you just don’t see her as her own person any more and just as a mom, losing her individuality in your eyes.

[Reddit User] −  maybe your wife is stressed and unhappy sometimes too but she puts on a brave face because you are stressed and she doesn’t want to add to that

AllisonWeatherwax −  I had to wake up earlier and earlier while Sarah stayed in bed and slept. When I came home, Sarah always looked relaxed and happy, playing with the baby. Well, duh!. **You’re oozing resentment**

How would you have responded if she’d greeted you every night with a litany of complaints? Do you think she’d feel comfortable confiding in you? Or would it just another cause for resentment on your part?

Whatever the reason you’ve clearly been sheltered from the grim realities of rearing a new born. Otherwise you’d know about the lack of un-interrupted sleep, the ever-present shrieking or threat of same, sore nipples, the absence of privacy courtesy of the small, needy, thing glued to your hip, the mind-numbing,

repetitive and disgusting qualities of the various tasks necessary to keep it alive, the recurring worry that your non-verbal bundle of joy is dangerously ill etc.

Sarah is extremely smart, but she is ignorant of current events and other topics that I love. I will tell her about a cool scientific discovery and she won’t understand basic concepts that I know she learned in college. It’s very frustrating and maybe my expectations are too high.

So… It’s not a conversation. It’s an exam. An exam that you expect her to fail. Does that sound fun and inspiring to you? Is that something you’d want to wrap your mind around when you’ve finally got some quiet grown up time?.

What you do: Own your s**t. Grow up and quit blaming other people for choices that you’ve made and situations that it’s outside their control.

[Reddit User] −  This is the sort of thing that is best addressed in marital counseling.

[Reddit User] −  You sound like a major j**k.

Relationships evolve, but so do people. How can someone reconcile their changing values with the commitment they’ve made? Is it possible to rebuild a partnership on new terms, or does the dynamic need a reset? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/FpTwS