I (34m) conducted a paternity test behind my wife’s back on our 12 year old son.
A man reveals the emotional turmoil of discovering through a secret DNA test that the 12-year-old boy he has raised as his son is not biologically his. Despite his heartbreak and the questions swirling about his wife’s fidelity, he remains steadfast in his commitment to the boy he considers his son. The story captures his struggle with whether to confront his wife and how to process this life-altering revelation. Read the full story below.
‘ I (34m) conducted a paternity test behind my wife’s back on our 12 year old son.’
A little back story before I get to the meat. My wife and I met when I was 20. We had a drunk h**kup the first night we met. We continued seeing each other after that night. A few weeks later she found out she was pregnant. We stayed together and I proposed a few months later.
I had doubts about her pregnancy lining up with our timeline but I never brought it up or discussed it. Not to mention I was in the military and deployed a few months later. My proposal weighed a lot on her carrying my child. I grew up in a home without a dad and never wanted that.
Fast forward 12 years we are still married. Though it has been extremely volatile and rocky I’ve stayed together honestly because I could never part from my son. I can’t let him grow up with an absent father. So I’ve made it work. Our marriage is dead outside of our child.
I ran into an old friend who I knew around the time I met my wife. He asked if I was still with her and I said yes. He mentioned how “it was crazy I dated her and then you stole her from me!” I wasn’t sure what he meant and asked him to elaborate. He said “it’s no big deal but I was seeing her up until that weekend you met her.”
I dropped it but inside my doubt and insecurities ran wild. I couldn’t get it out of head. I broke down and bought a home DNA test kit and used it on my son and I without telling my wife. The results came back today. He is not my son. 0% chance I am his biological son. I’m destroyed. My whole world is upside down. I’m just on autopilot at the moment. I don’t know how to act or feel. I’m just a zombie right now.
One thing I know is no matter what he is my son. I’ve been by his side the moment he was born and will absolutely never abandon him. Absolutely nothing will change that. What I haven’t decided is how if at all I bring it up to my wife. I feel like my whole marriage was a lie. I can’t help but wonder if she knew.
How do I confront her. Regardless that I’m not in love with her I still love her. This will crush her. This will absolutely devastate her. I don’t know what to do. I plan on seeing a counselor/therapist ASAP. So many emotions and thoughts flooding my mind. Just need some help to bring me back down.
EDIT: I appreciate all the support and words of advice. Both good, bad and the assholes. I’m going to sit on this until I get my head right.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
miranda-the-dog-mom − First of all, I can’t even imagine how blindsided you must feel. I’m sorry this has happened. My parents (biological parents) got married because they found out they were pregnant with me. When I was about 1, they decided to end it.
I’ve talked with my mom a lot about why this happened and what her thought process was and she always says something along the lines of: “I knew that I’d so much rather raise you in *two* happy households instead of *one* unhappy one.”
And that’s exactly what happened. I grew up with two separate, happy marriages as examples. I got to be loved by so many more people. I have good relationships with all my parents. I have no resentment.
I just wanted to say that good outcomes of divorce exist. Sometimes it really is what is best for the family unit as a whole. Divorce doesn’t always end badly. Sometimes it’s the most calm & clear path for everyone involved.. Good luck, I’m rooting for you.
tercer78 − Do you want the marriage to end now or wait till the kid is 18 cuz that’s about your only two choices.
[Reddit User] − Did you not hear about how many children wish their parents would have split a long time before they did? Just because you stay in the marriage doesn’t make your family be any better together.
jillbowaggins − I am so sorry. One thing I know is no matter what he is my son. But thank god for that. He didn’t know any better than you did, you both grew up knowing each other as father and son, and DNA only changes that biologically.
It doesn’t change all the time you spent together, all the time you spent raising him, all the time he spent knowing you as his father and you are still that person and so is he. Family is so much more than blood and I’m glad you’re on board with that. But wow yeah, how to deal with your wife…
It’s okay to still love somebody but not be *in love* with them, and obviously this was becoming the case long before you found out that your son is not *biologically* yours. So one of the things to me, is that kids tend to learn a lot from their parents relationships.
And a loveless relationship is only teaching them that they should do the same. Definitely see a therapist to help you navigate this, but also see a lawyer. Even if you don’t have any plans right now, talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.
Because despite not being the *biological* father, presumably you’re still on his birth certificate and you’ve been his father for a dozen years. So at least talk to a lawyer and figure out what you can expect if you do decide to leave her.
madcap_cd − Take a breath and ground yourself in the fact that he’s your son – biology is irrelevant. Do yourself a favor and try not to make this your wife’s fault. You knew going in that there was a chance that he wasn’t yours… maybe she did too, maybe she didn’t. It’s kind of irrelevant because no matter what that reality is, those choices are all in the past and there’s nothing you can do but move forward.
If you want to end your marriage, you have that choice. But don’t make it about your son’s DNA, because you’ll run the risk of him blaming himself for the divorce, and eventually he’ll like feel rejected by you. Best advice: no matter what you choose to do, don’t bring “blame” into any of your conversations. What’s broken in a moment can take a lifetime to fix.
k8tiebr0wn − My first thoughts while reading this (before I even got to the part with the results of the DNA test) were that you should consider splitting up with your wife. From what it sounds like, you’re not exactly happy with her. Life is too short. I think that the results of the DNA test are irrelevant.
You know in your heart that you will always be your son’s father, even if you don’t share DNA. If you decide to get a divorce, you can find someone who really makes you genuinely happy, and your son will be happy for you and will understand when he gets older. Kids feed off of your happiness.
Personally, I wouldn’t even bring up the results of the test to either one of them. Maybe that’s your mental “out” for gathering the courage to start over. Maybe that’s a chat you can have with your son in a few years, but I wouldn’t even worry yourself with the stress of discussing it.
I also agree with u/jillbowaggins in that you should definitely seek legal advice before you do anything, just in case there’s a chance of you jeopardizing the custody of your son. You will get through this, life has a funny way of sorting itself out. Good luck and thank you for your service!!
9-lives-Fritz − Damn bro, stole his girl AND his kid?! Ruthless…
TheBestPeter − Definitely talk to a therapist and work s**t out before you talk you your wife. You need to be able to process this and figure things out before a confrontation. No matter what else happens, though, you got yourself a son out of it. Treasure that.
Bnorm71 − Oh she knew
derogatori − First of all, for everyone reading, this is why you don’t get married for anything other than love and you don’t blindly stay in an unhappy marriage. Just get out of your unhappy marriage, tell your wife, keep being his dad but let the other guy know, too, and if he wants a paternity test then let him get it and meet your kid.
He’s 12 and can probably handle more than you think. Just explain to him that you’re still his dad, and he kind of has another dad, too. Lying is what got you all here in the 1st place, so don’t keep lying to your kid now that you know the truth.
Love transcends biology, but betrayal can shatter trust. How should he approach his wife while protecting his relationship with his son? Share your thoughts or advice in the comments below.