I (34F) snooped through my boyfriend’s (36M) phone- Got exactly what I deserve?

A Reddit user shared her experience of snooping through her boyfriend’s phone after feeling uncertain about the direction of their relationship. In doing so, she discovered that he was still emotionally involved with his ex-wife, sending her texts like “I miss you” and “I’m thinking about you.”

After confronting him, he apologized but also told her he wanted to take a break, citing her invasion of privacy. The user feels torn between regret for snooping and heartbreak over his actions. To learn more about how others have navigated similar situations, read the full story below.

‘ I (34F) snooped through my boyfriend’s (36M) phone- Got exactly what I deserve?’

My (34F) boyfriend (36M) have been together for 9 months. Prior to us getting together he was married for a few years, but he found out she had been having an affair with someone out of state. We started dating through the separation and after the divorce had been finalized.

Both of us had some trauma we were dealing with, but I thought we could work through it together. More recently, I’d become concerned that our relationship had become stagnant. I had fallen in love with him months ago, but was too scared to say it.

But there was no signs of moving forward in the relationship or growing outside of our normal routine. We’d met eachother’s friends and families and he had been with me through some pretty tough personal situations.

To everyone looking in we seemed completely in love, but at the rate we were going I was afraid I’d never hear it. I couldn’t understand what was stopping us from moving forward. This past weekend, we were staying at a friends lake house for a wedding.

At one point he went jet skiing with a friend, and I stayed behind to start getting ready for said wedding. His phone had been blowing up, and unfortunately my trauma got the best of me, and I snooped. I found exactly what I deserved to find; he was texting his ex wife.

This wasn’t just casual conversation. He was sending her things like ‘I’m thinking about you’ and every time she told him she missed him he replied with ‘I miss you too’. I am heartbroken. These were things he said to me. When I confronted him, he apologized. After of course trying to deny everything.

I decided to make the hour drive back home and skip the wedding. I was upset and I didn’t want to ruin the mood. Today when I asked him why, he didn’t really give me an answer other than he knew what he said to her was wrong.

He did however tell me that I crossed a line by going through his phone and he wants to take a break from us for a while. I don’t know what to feel. I’m sad that this might be the end, but I’m mad that this has all somehow been turned into all my fault.

Don’t get me wrong, I shouldn’t have gone through his phone. I definitely made a mistake. But now instead of being in the dark about those two making me look like a fool, I know about it.

What should I do? Is this end or is there a way to salvage this? Please help me. Its been a long time since I’ve been happy, and I feel like I ruined it again.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

[Reddit User] −  I’m usually in the minority here, but I don’t think it was a mistake. If you hadn’t looked then you wouldn’t know that he is having an emotional affair with his ex. He deserves the trauma he’s walking into. . It’s time for you to move on.

Internal_Ad_3455 −  Make this break permanent. He is mad he got caught and trying to turn it around on you. There is better out there

Savings-Ad-3607 −  Don’t let yourself be gaslit. He did the wrong thing he was having an emotional affair with his ex. You’re better off ending it and letting him go back to his cheating ex.

Substantial_Map_4744 −  Yes, what he is doing is wrong. Personally, anyone separated or going through a divorce needs to be single for a while. It seems he rushed right into another relationship and wasn’t fully done with his prior one

WinterFront1431 −  What I’d message him. ” You can take an infinity break from me, I’m not interested in working this out. You and your ex deserve each other as you are now a cheat like her. Good luck to you both. “. Then block.

You did nothing wrong. If my boyfriend left his phone behind and it was blowing up, I’d look too, in case it’s an emergency.

Calm_Psychology5879 −  Leave the cheating l**er. He’s punishing you for finding out that he’s cheating on you with his ex at the very least it is an emotional affair. People who stay hung up on their exes and cheat on you with their exes are the absolute worst type. 

[Reddit User] −  Luckily you caught this at 9 months. Best to just end it permanently. He’s trying to milk it to have his cake and eat it too.

Educational-Goose484 −  A c**ater can’t lecture about privacy on phone checking. You should not let him gaslight you. You are right, he is wrong. That’s all

Lambsenglish −  Honestly, people make too big a deal of going through phones.Yes, it’s your privacy, but no you don’t get to keep those kinds of secrets. Don’t get gaslit. The issue here is what you found, not how you found it.

spunkiemom −  I don’t think he loves you. You’re a placeholder so he doesn’t have to be alone. I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong. If anyone’s phone was blowing up most people would look. A good relationship has trust but it also has transparency. Yours has neither, and that’s his fault not yours.