I [33F] tried breaking up with my boyfriend [33M] in person yesterday and he turned on me. I still haven’t left him

A Reddit user (33F) shares her experience trying to break up with her boyfriend (33M) after months of toxic arguments. Despite her efforts to end the relationship, her boyfriend reacted violently, locking her in his house and refusing to let her leave.

He initially insulted her and interrogated her about the breakup, but later calmed down and convinced her to stay. Now, she finds herself still in the relationship, unsure why he is so intent on keeping her despite his harsh words and behavior. Read the original story below.

‘ I [33F] tried breaking up with my boyfriend [33M] in person yesterday and he turned on me. I still haven’t left him’

I’m kind of in shock right now. I decided yesterday to end my 9 month relationship…we have been arguing constantly recently and it was turning toxic. It had got to the point where my bf said his mom has overheard our arguments and he said she thinks I treat him like s**t.

(Im not sure if this is entirely true as his mom has always been absolutely lovely to me) Regardless i was so mortified to hear that, embarrassed and ashamed, so I said that is a prime example of why we shouldn’t be together. He said it didn’t matter what anyone else thinks and he wanted to work through things.

In my mind though things had gone too far and we needed to split. I told him in person yesterday when I was at his house that we needed to break up , that the arguing was too much and it wasn’t good for either of us . Id brought his belongings that he’d left at mine and I tried to be as nice as possible.

He turned on me and said “no way, you’re not doing this to me you f**king i**ot. How dare you come round here with the intention of breaking up? Are you mental? Are you sick in the head?” He called me the most disgusting names. I said I needed to leave and I was sorry but he locked the front door and wouldn’t let me go.

It was only us two in the house at the time. I begged for him to let me leave and he wouldn’t. Instead he started to interrogate me about the reasons I wanted to leave. Kept wanting to know if I’d met someone else and was I leaving him for another guy.

I couldn’t get to my cell phone as it was in my purse out of reach so I couldn’t call anyone for help. Then he changed tactic and said we can work things out, backtracked on the thing he said about his mom, said he loved me and didn’t want to break up.

In order to keep myself safe I kept him sweet and I agreed to stay together; he had calmed right down by then and I felt relieved. Long story short I’m still with him. He said he wants to come to see me later and make things up to me. He said he will buy us takeout and we will have a nice evening together.

I don’t know why he is so intent on wanting to stay in such an awful relationship. He tells me I’m a complete pain in the ass all the time and how he’s had enough of me so why the hell wont he just let me go.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

falllol −  I still haven’t left him. Long story short I’m still with him.. Let’s adjust your perception here.. You did break up with him.
In response, he imprisoned you in his house. You had to play along for your safety.

That doesn’t mean you didn’t break up with him. You did. He didn’t take no for an answer. That doesn’t mean **anything**. You’re not still with him. You merely pretended like you were still with him because you were taken hostage. You don’t need his approval to break up with him, break ups don’t work that way.

You are in an a**sive relationship, and your judgement is extremely clouded. You should find a way to cut all contact with him **immediately** and find a secure place until all this gets resolved. You may need to get a restraining order against him and have what happened in record. You are in danger.

Maybe you don’t realize but you are in *real* danger. Locking the doors to keep you from leaving the house is **not** normal behaviour. It is a**sive, and it is a crime. You were imprisoned against your will. Despite what you might have been led to believe, this is not something done out of “love”.

This is not something a sane partner does to their other half. You need to leave immediately. Don’t go to his house ever again, and don’t let him into your house either. **Under no circumstances you can be alone with him ever again.**

You can get imprisoned (by him, again), beaten, raped or worse. Thousands of women get harmed or killed each year by people just like your ex. Please understand the severity of the situation and please take the appropriate measures to protect yourself.

[Reddit User] −  You’re in an a**sive relationship. That is why the relationship has felt bad and toxic. This is why he wants to stay with you even thought he calls you terrible names. A common feature of a**sive relationships is the abuser escalates when the victim tries to leave the relationship.

He escalated yesterday – he held you hostage in his home and abused you until you agreed to stay with him. This is really concerning behaviour. You need to end this relationship and get away from him. Please reach out to your friends and family for support, and read the book ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft.

He might escalate further into threats of violence and stalking when he realises you are serious about not being with him and you need to have your friends/family there for you.

catscraziesndaisies −  D**p him by text or phone, lock your doors and d**p his stuff outside. If he comes over and kicks off, call the police. Do not go to his again!

phelgmdounuts −  You don’t need his permission to break up. You’re in a a**sive relationship. He held you hostage and locked you in his house. That is illegal. You’ve given him his stuff back. You have nothing else tying you together.

Break up with him by text and block his number. Don’t have him try and convince you to meet up with him. You don’t owe him anything. If you do, he will try this bs again.

MatcoWife −  I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to allow him to come to your house. He escalated yesterday and he may hurt you today. Tell him no and call the police if he shows up. You told him that you want to break up, stand behind that decision and protect yourself.

BalancetheMirror −  Ah, the false imprisonment. I do not remember that fondly. Mine was for something like 10 hours. Terrifying, stupefying. It does not get better. You can never be alone with him EVER again. Ever. He is not coming over today. You must call the police when he tries.

You must be vigilant. No matter what argument he makes–talking circles around you, talking you out of it, blaming you, shaming you–you can NEVER go back or be alone with him again. I would also add never be anywhere NEAR him again. Please.

I’m sitting here on the other end of this story because of grit, police, friends, G-d and blind luck. He is not going to be nice this one time. You don’t need his frigging permission to leave. A relationship, a house or a room. Stay gone. Please.

SugarCoatThis −  Firstly I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply and express their concern for me. I am beyond grateful. So I’ve done it. He actually called me to ask what time he should come round and I told him it was over.

He tried to plead with me, he said he loved me and that we can make it work but I just said no, it’s over and put the phone down. I blocked him on everything and have now changed my cell phone number.

I’m staying with my best friend for the rest of the week to be safe. Despite all of this I do feel embarrassed and ashamed about how the relationship panned out. There was a lot of arguing and I do feel like I was a p**cho girlfriend

– I’m just re reading all the comments on here and trying to drill it into myself that this was a**sive/he was g**lighting me but I think I need to see a therapist to really understand that for myself.. Thanks again guys x

JackNotName −  Your EX held you hostage against your will. This is tantamount to kidnapping. Let that sink in for a moment. This is a violent act that shows a complete lack of respect for you as a human being. You need to never see or talk to him again.. —

Does he have keys to your apartments/home? If so, call a locksmith and have them rekeyed. Then tell your EX by phone of email that you will never see him again. Put his stuff into a box and have a courier service pick them up and take them to him.

If he shows up at your door, tell him to go away. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR. If he does not leave, just call the cops. (Tell them that he kept you against your will the last time you saw him.). — Your BF is an abuser. Plain and simple. Things will escalate.

Coollogin −  Long story short I’m still with him. No you’re not. Refuse to see him ever again. Do not allow him into your home. If he persists outside the door, call the police.

Text him right now and say, “I do not want to see you again. I am deleting you from all platforms and devices.” Then do it, and never respond to any communication from him ever again.

SugarCoatThis −  I’m still trying to figure out how Reddit works, not sure if I should start a new update thread or carry on posting here.
I just wanted to say you guys were totally right…he has since tried to contact me. He’s set up a new email address (I blocked his usual one) and just sent a message saying: CALL ME

I have no intention of replying to that or any further communication from him. I’m focusing on keeping safe and well away from him. I’ve also told all my friends and family so they are fully aware of the situation.

Do you think the user made the right decision in staying for the moment, or should she have walked away despite the confrontation? How would you handle a situation where someone’s behavior becomes controlling and unsafe? Share your thoughts below!