I [32M] make significantly more money than my new girlfriend [26F] and it’s causing problems

A Reddit user shares his dilemma about the growing tension in his relationship due to significant income disparity between him and his girlfriend. As an anesthesiologist making over $300k a year, he feels comfortable financially, but his girlfriend, who works at a nonprofit and makes $55k, insists on splitting bills or paying her way. Despite his offer to cover expenses, she continues to reject his help, and he’s unsure how to navigate the situation. Curious to see how others with similar financial dynamics handle this? Read the story below to find out more.

‘ I [32M] make significantly more money than my new girlfriend [26F] and it’s causing problems’

Hi everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. This may just be a problem I’m identifying in my head, and I know you all are good at cutting through b**lshit, so hopefully you can help. I’m an anesthesiologist in Washington, D.C. and make over 300k a year.

Consequently, I live a comfortable life and, while I have a significant amount of medical school debt, am pretty financially stable for the foreseeable future. I’m glad to spend a little more than most would on special dinner, gifts, and things, because I’m pretty much guaranteed this salary for the rest of my career.

My gal works at a nonprofit and makes 55k a year. She’s a bit of a penny pincher, happy to spend money on trips and dining out, but budgets religiously and tracks every penny she spends. We’ve been dating for about four months now, and it’s going really well. I love spending time with her.

The issue is, I think she’s uncomfortable with how much money I make. Whenever I take her on a date, I insist on paying for everything. This makes perfect sense to me, because money I spend to take her out is a drop in the ocean, but for her it would probably add up. But she sometimes doesn’t let me or doesn’t want me to pay.

She’ll insist on splitting the bill, or if I pay, she’ll try and pay the next time we hang out. I’ve told her time and time again that I’m more than happy to pay for things, spending time with her makes me happy, and so I’d be glad to drop a couple hundred bucks a month on dinners, drinks, movies, etc. But she always insists that “she can pay her own way” and “she doesn’t need to be taken care of.”

One time she had to miss a flight to visit a friend. It was nonrefundable and she was out $300. When she was complaining to me about it, I immediately offered to give her the $300 back, just so she wouldn’t feel bad about losing the money, But she rejected me and said she just needed to vent.

It’s not really a problem in the grand scheme of things, I just think it’s silly that she spends money on me when I make more in a year what she’ll make in five. And like I said, I’m happy to treat her. Any thoughts on how to navigate this? I especially would like to hear from people in relationships with huge income differences.

tl;dr I make a lot more money that GF, but she won’t let me pay for things.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

cdmillerx42 −  For her it’s an independence and self respect way of thinking. She has made her way in the world and does not want to feel indebted to you. Also some people in this situation who have this kind of income imbalance like to make it a form of manipulation in the relationship. I am not stating that is what you’re doing. However y’all only been dating for 4 months. Trust and boundaries still need to be established fully for each side in this relatively new relationship.

sugamonkey −  My boyfriend makes about twice what I do, maybe a bit more. We had this issue at the beginning of our relationship. I grew up poor, raised by a single mom. I am used to always having to pay my own way. If I wanted anything I had to work for it. I also fully admit to having issues with abandonment from absent dad.

This had lead to me being very wary of boyfriends paying for a “lifestyle “ I cannot afford on my own. I don’t want to feel like I owe them something in return or get used to life I cannot have if they leave. This caused a big issue with my Ukrainian boyfriend who comes from a culture where he was taught to take care of your girlfriend.

He would get insulted if I insisted on paying. Did I think he couldn’t afford dinner? Did I not like him? Why was I refusing to let him “be my boyfriend “ as he saw it. We had to sit down and have a long talk about culture, childhoods, egos and our relationship.. We have come to some compromises.

1) If he says he wants to do something out of my price range I know he is treating me. “ I live a good life. Part of that is you, I want you with with me at this place.” This is how he explains it.

2) If I complain about money he does not jump in to fix it. Me complaining is just that, me venting. I don’t want him to fix everything for me. This is very important to me. I need to feel like I am able to vent without him trying to fix everything. This was VERY hard for him to understand at first. He still doesn’t agree with this one, but he understands.

3) He lets me “treat” him to dinner or a movie sometimes. We both know it doesn’t really matter, but again it makes me feel better.

4) We continue to check in with each other about these things now and again. Communication is key.

[Reddit User] −  Let her pay for things. It’s a fairly new relationship and it seems like you’re actually the one who keeps emphasizing the salary difference. It seems you have yourself a good one. Don’t f**k it up

Noononsense −  It’s not about the money. It’s about her independence and carrying her own weight. She needs this so it’s best you give it to her. Look at it this way at least you know she’s not money hungry. A huge plus for someone in your tax bracket.

fashionably_punctual −  Let her pay. She knows what her budget is, and it’s a bit condescending to imply that she doesn’t know what she’s doing with her money. When there is a big incone disparity, often times the assumption is that the lower earner is after a sugar daddy/momma. She’s showing you that she likes you for you, not your money.

She’s also trying to maintain her autonomy, so she feels like she has equal footing in the relationship. Sometimes a bigger earner will use the money they spend on the lower earner as leverage in the relationship, thinking that the lower earner is bought and paid for. She may be trying to avoid that dynamic. Especially so early in the relationship.

If she offera to pay the next time to treat you after you’ve treated her, suggest someplace affordable. Let her buy the Starbucks. Tell her you’ve been jonesing for Chipotle, or that you’ve been n wanting to check out a small out of the way restaurant that had good yelp reviews (and an inexpensive menu). Or let her leave the tip when you buy dinner. Thank her for treating you. You know it’s a sacrifice, so accept her generosity with genuine thanks and good grace.

You may want to examine if you have biases about people who make less money than you. People in her income bracket date, marry, and raise kids on that kind of money. I know DC/NOVA are stupid expensive, but even with you out of the picture shed still likely be spending money while dating.

She’s treating you as an equal, do the same. She may get more comfortable with letting you treat her as your relationship progresses, too, when she knows that you know she’s not trying to take advantage of your income.

rebel_way −  Let it be. She makes over 50 grand a year in her twenties, she’s hardly destitute lmao. You might not know this, but many people get by on far less! Don’t insist when she says no. She’s maintaining healthy financial habits, and that’s a good thing!

EDIT: To everyone responding on the high cost of living in DC, I know, I live here. I make less than OP’s girlfriend and live just fine, most people here have a roommate, live in MD or VA (cheaper) or live far from the metro. Yes, it’s not a glamorous lifestyle, but we’re not impoverished lol.

job125 −  Firstly: “doctor_naptime & anesthesiogolgist” name checks out. Howdy Dr. Naptime! I can relate to your situation to a certain degree. I make more than my fiance. (Not nearly as much as you, but there is a divide) I am not certain, but it seems as though your GF does not want to feel reliant upon you for finances.

(One reason perhaps being to avoid being seen as a “gold digger”) In my opinion being financially reliant upon yourself is a very fulfilling thing. With your career field, you likely have little to worry about in terms of stable finances.

This means that the value you place on money is perhaps lower than hers. I think that it is very good that she respects your money and does not take it for granted.. My suggestions are: Decide on places that you both can afford to go to regularly. Before going to said places, decide who will pay for the outing.

When something bad happens financially for her, listen to her feelings first. Men have a tendency to hear of a problem and immediately reply with solutions. (I am guilty of this) Be wary of how you respond. Ask questions about how she is handling the situation, how she feels, how you can help.

If you want to offer help, offer without insisting. (Unless of course it is a serious emergency) If you do offer financial assistance to her, do not expect an immediate reward. (A classic “Nice-guy” tactic) If you want to get her a gift, try to make it something you spent more time on, than money. She knows you have money, but knowing that you spent hours on a painting for her, will mean so much more.

You seem like a swell guy, and I wish you the best of luck. Understanding and respecting others financial situations can be tricky, and cause some friction. If you do not understand, or have questions, or simply do not know, admit to it. Honesty and communication are key.

I hope what I have said makes sense and isn’t just the annoying ramblings of a random internet fool.. TL:DR- Your GF respects your financial situation and does not want to be a gold digger. Find a middle ground and determine who will buy what. Listen first, offer solutions only if she wants solutions. Gifts of time are worth more than gifts of money.

EDIT: The first gold I’ve ever gotten! Thank you so much!

HeungMinSon −  It’s very uncool for you to take her to expensive dates all the time. Just trying to make you see this from her point of view: You take her out, spend way more than she ever would. But she doesn’t want to feel like she’s with a sugar daddy, she wants to pay for her stuff, even if it’s something this expensive.

So she offers to pay for her half, and you refuse, which is patronizing for her and it makes her feel like she wouldn’t be able to afford these kind of fancy dates if it weren’t for you. She suddenly feels like she’s not independent anymore, let alone capable of taking _you_ out, or treating _you_ to something nice. Imagine that every time you give her an expensive-ass gift, it probably makes her feel like s**t, because she can’t do the same for you except maybe once a year.

Imagine that for some reason you were dating a woman that makes 2M a year. You still make plenty at 300k, but she’s definitely on another league. She takes you out to outrageous places, orders +600USD wines every time, and so on.

Wouldn’t you feel miserable at one point, how she’s contantly rubbing how much money she makes compared to you? Even if that’s 100% not her intention? You gift her something fancy like a designer piece of clothes, but she gifts you a f**king Telsa. How would you feel about that?

**tl;dr:** as with almost every situation in this sub, you both lack communication. You need to listen to her. You clearly aren’t even trying to understand her.

EDIT: OH MY F**K, GOLD?? And im here like “s**t What a s**tty long-ass comment to give such obvious advice…”. Thanks a lot!

sunflower1940 −  Stop throwing your money around. You’ve only been together 4 months and you’re offering to give her $300 because she missed her flight? That’s on her. It doesn’t matter that you make more money. She wants to not have an inferior power position.

everyting_is_taken −  You’re not married. Let her pay. Her money is still hers and yours is yours. She wants to be an equal partner in this relationship and part of that is financial to her. You can’t invalidate her feelings by saying time spent with her makes you happy. You’re not paying for her time. She’s your girlfriend, not an escort, respect her wishes. You end up together for the long haul? Sure, spoil her. For now, ease up moneybags.

About the $300.00, it was a nice offer but I’m sure she doesn’t want to feel indebted to you and so early in the relationship. She wasn’t complaining about it because she wanted you to fix it. Remember that. A lot of the time women (not to generalize) will talk about an issue in their lives and the male response is to try to fix everything. Sometimes they just want to be heard. Best of luck, congrats on the kick-ass job!. Edit: missing words

Do you think the user’s proposal was fair given the long-term responsibilities involved, or was it too harsh for the situation? How would you handle the burden of becoming a financial provider in a relationship with such income differences? Share your thoughts below and join the conversation!