I (32 M) made a thoughtless comment about my wife’s (29 F) body and she’s been hurt and acting different since. Really need advice.

A Reddit user (32M) shares that he made an offhand comment about his wife’s (29F) body, saying her curves have gotten “amazing” after she gave birth to their second child. His wife has been upset ever since, and their usual routines of affection and togetherness have been strained.

Despite trying to reassure her, his wife has become distant and hurt. The user seeks advice on how to fix the situation and make amends. Read the original story below.

‘ I (32 M) made a thoughtless comment about my wife’s (29 F) body and she’s been hurt and acting different since. Really need advice.’

I’m kind of a m**on sometimes when it comes to being aware of my wife’s sensitivities. But I love her so much, and she loves me, so it’s seriously bothering me that I screwed up. She is the best wife a man could ask for. We’ve been married for 4 years. She gave birth to our second child a few months ago.

As you would expect we’ve been quite emotionally attached to one another during her pregnancy and after she gave me our second son, but when I offended her a week ago she has sulked and ignored me as much as possible.

I rush home from work like I have been doing, eager to see my wife and our sons, but now she says “you’re dinner’s on the table” and she leaves me alone to eat while playing with our son and holding the baby. We’ve always had a ritual that has been extremely important to me:

I get home from work and we make out for about 5 minutes, act all lovey-dovey, then we eat together with the boy(s). It’s been devastating for her to abruptly change like this. So here’s the stupid thing I did. When we married she was very skinny/petite, it was just her natural body type (and she exercised a lot).

Since having the first child she has steadily gained weight and become a little plump. Her body definitely has changed and she’s not looking skinny and petite. But she’s still just as beautiful and this has never been something I’ve seen in a negative light.

But this was apparently devastating to her self-esteem, to an extent that I wouldn’t have imagined. I’ve always told her when we’re intimate or she’s getting changed near me that she’s so beautiful.

In fact as she’s gained some weight I’ve said it more and I can sometimes barely keep my hands off her when we’re alone and she’s changing or something. Yet she’s always responded to this by saying “she’s gotten so fat”, “I’m h**eous”, “I’m sure not what you signed up for am I”, and all that crap.

One night I said the wrong thing (though I didn’t know it would be when I said it): I kissed her thighs and said “your curves have gotten so amazing” and she just flipped out and started crying, saying “so now you’re just acknowledging how fat I’ve gotten out loud” and she’s been seeming sulky ever since.

When I told her that she’s not “fat”, that she’s just as beautiful as before and actually more so, she just gets more upset. How do I fix this stupid mistake I made? I love my wife more than anything, and she’s never gotten this upset or sulky before..

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

PlaceForMyPonies −  This is definitely a self esteem issue. You can’t say or do anything to fix it because she is telling herself she is fat. All you did was say something that she was able to use to justify her self hate.

You can tell her until you are blue in the face that she is beautiful and desirable, but if she doesn’t believe it, she won’t hear you. It could actually be a little bit of post partum depression. Have a real sit down chat with her.

Ask her to sit down with you and discuss her body issues with you and tell her it concerns you that she is so hard on herself. If she exercised a lot before, she may have always had this complex and being pregnant took that control away from her. Counseling may be in order here.

[Reddit User] −  Agree with everyone on how OP’s wife might be depressed on how she looks and she might have a little post partum depression. However, I disagree with the comments that OP should talk about he is “okay” with how she looks now, because that’s admitting she is fat, as she thinks she is..

The most non-invasive way to help this out is OP should help to his wife to recover to the person she was, and let her have a little time to breathe. Suggestions below: * Volunteer to take over some of the chores that Wife is currently doing, so she will have an hour free for herself.

* Offer to look after the kids and the house on OP’s off day so that Wife can take some time-off to hang out with her friends. * It might be a while since she pampered herself to a holiday, maybe take her on a short trip, or pay for a short trip she can go on her own.

* Get some one to help with the kids and take Wife out on a date night, buy gifts and flowers for her, and pretend that you are dating again. With lots of love and attention hopefully Wife will return to her normal self again 🙂 Try not to mention about her weight again.

naeema94 −  That’s a tough situation mate. I was expecting you to have said something far far worse when I was reading, but I would probably have said a similar thing and mistaken it for a compliment.. Sorry I can’t help.

cinnawitch −  Postpartum is a hard enough stage as it is for a new mother to go through, let alone a mom with TWO young kids, particularly one who (it sounds like, based on your description) gets no break from being mommy and wife to just be herself for an hour without anyone touching her or depending on her or needing affection from her.

Her body has changed a TON in hundreds of little tiny ways within less than 5 years, ways that she’s likely been aware of with a laser focus. This world is hell for women when it comes to our bodies, and a woman who’s just average sized – but still *skinny* – and not even plus-sized will sometimes be treated as “fat”, just for not being a waif.

It sounds like she places a lot of value on her body being tiny and thin, and like she worked a lot to keep it that way – until kids came along, and what energy and time she had for exercising/dieting had to be given up for mom duties.

Sit down with her and tell her you’re so sorry for hurting her with your carelessness…. but you’re worried by her reaction and the way she talks about herself and her body. Tell her you love her, that you’re there for her in any and every way.

Ask her not what to do to fix this, but *how* she’s feeling, what’s she feeling, and then genuinely *listen*. Don’t try to interrupt her and tell her how beautiful and sexy she is if she says that she thinks she’s u**y and fat, and don’t try to give her solutions for any of these issues.

Sit, listen, and ask about how she feels when you want a makeout session the second you get home, or what the best parts of her day were along with the worst.

To be able to help her, you need to be able to understand everything that’s affecting her, inside and out; and to do that, you need to be able to listen and take in all that she says without thinking about how her struggle with herself and her body affects you.

doritosandpopcorn −  I don’t think the comment you made is terrible, but seeing how you described her as petite/skinny before her pregnancies could have a toll on her. Her body is changing in ways she may not like.

Instead of saying “no you’re not fat” I would just apologize for the comment you made and tell her you understand how that could have hurt her feelings. I would sit down with her and if she’s comfortable, ask her to share her insecurities with you if she hasn’t already and what you can do as a partner to help her.

If she is deeply insecure, she is ultimately the only person who can fix those issues but as partner you can be supportive in ways like avoiding making comments about her curves or like encouraging and exhibiting healthy habits like exercise and a balanced diet.

Many women’s body change during pregnancies and there’s nothing to be ashamed about, but she may just have a hard time dealing with it since she is used to seeing herself as petite.

helendestroy −  it was just her natural body type (and she exercised a lot). So skinny/petite *wasn’t* her natural body type. It was something she put a lot of work into maintaining and was very important for her self image and self esteem.

She probably feels not just m**strous, but invisible, and completely gone as a woman. She needs a therapist. But also, are you able to make time for her in the day to go to a gym? Or is her life just looking after the babies?

Aiesline −  Is it possible she has post partum depression? If so, she needs some help. Being a stay at home mom is tough. Having two kids is even tougher. Best of luck.

Redsparkling −  It sounds like she is really struggling with how she views herself after having babies and them now being her focus instead of her body. Look her in the eye and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Do not mention her weight or her curves or anything about her body.

DragonToothGarden −  OP, you said something that was loving to you, but to her it was an acknowledgment of her worst horror: that she’s no longer slim and thus feels like a monster. You love how she looks, but to her, not being slim means her world has crashed.

Having been there, all I can say is be patient. She *isn’t* as slim as she once was, but she cannot yet accept that that is perfectly alright, and you still find her desirable. All you can do is avoid saying anything that reflects her curves or body change, unless she directly asks if she has changed.

A long time ago, my husband and I were watching a movie with Jennifer Lopez in it. When he smiled and commented that my b**t was exactly like hers, I broke. He was sure it was a compliment (and to him it was.)

To me, it was the equivalent of saying the truth I “knew” all along and that was drilled in my head by my family: “If you are not skinny and have curves, you are a filthy, disgusting monster who should not go out in public and you’re worthless.”

I wept. He waited then finally said he was complimenting me and I realized if I wanted to change my physique I had to change my lifestyle (which I did). Just be patient and let her cool off. You sound like a kind and loving person and she sounds like a woman who has been terrorized about her physique.

tnew12 −  It could be post partum depression. The mental and physical changes to become a mom are drastic and takes sometime to adjust to. She maybe feels like she’s lost her identity because the changes have been drastic. Have you asked her if she feels o**rwhelmed?

Perhaps, she’s displacing her frustrations into something she can actually control (i.e. her weight). You mentioned she used to exercise before having kids. Does she still have time to exercise without having to worry about the kids?

Getting her back into a workout routine could help her boost her mood and give her self confidence she needs to move past this. Or maybe, if yall have time after dinner, go on a walk with the kids as a family. If she’s at home all day and you have the funds.

Once that happens, she may be more interested in being affectionate since she won’t feel so cruddy about herself. In situations when she is sulking, avoid making comments on her appearance, even if you’re calling her beautiful.

Non-appearance comments could be like, ‘wow, you did a lot today with the kids, would you like a backrub?’ or ‘dinner smelled so good when I walked in the door, can’t wait to sit-down and hear about your day’. Hopefully comments like this will lift her spirits without bringing up her weight.

Have you ever said something thoughtless to a loved one that caused unexpected hurt? How do you repair such a situation, especially when the words were meant to be affectionate? Do you think the wife’s response is understandable given the context? Share your thoughts below!