I (30F) live in a fantasy world (married to 30M)?

A 30-year-old Reddit user reflects on their active imagination and rich fantasy life, which they use as an escape from reality. They’ve been married for 5 years, and while their marriage is loving and stable, they feel emotionally distant from their husband due to differing interests and passions.

The user frequently escapes into daydreams, imagining romantic relationships or exciting lives that are separate from her reality. Her therapist has encouraged her to distance herself from these fantasies, and she seeks perspective on how to balance imagination with being present in her life.

‘ I (30F) live in a fantasy world (married to 30M)?’

I have always had an active imagination and a rich fantasy life. It helps that I like to write and I’m able to bring a lot of that to my stories. But I also have a rich fantasy life that I keep to myself as sort of an escape from reality. My therapist wants me to unpack this a little and distance myself from it. And I guess I’m looking for a little perspective.

For background, I’ve been married for 5 years and together 12. My husband is a good man, kind and loving. We have one child (4F). We both work full time, and we have dates and time together. In many ways I’m satisfied. But at the core, my husband and I are different people. He is not passionate and not interested in the same things I am for the most part.

I also have little interest in his hobbies. So we both have inner lives that are separate from the other. I’ll make up stories to get myself through the day. Like I’ll see a stranger at the library and I imagine a meeting of the minds relationship with this complete stranger. Or I’ll leave home at night and go for drives and listen to romantic songs and put myself in the lyrics.

I thumb through travel websites and imagine entire lives in those places. My therapist has been gently telling me that this might be unhealthy behavior, and that I should give more thought to being present in the world. Anyone else dealing with a similar dilemma? Any advice?

Check out how the community responded:

stillperplexed −  Has your therapist mentioned, or have you yourself looked into Maladaptive Daydreaming?

mahtrowaway −  I think you should probably focus on what your therapist says. Seeking outside opinion on a topic that you’re covering in therapy with a professional is rarely going to be helpful in the long run. We don’t know you, we don’t know the extent of this behavior, we aren’t trained in dealing with this kind of thing.

Stick to what your therapist says. The fact that you came to strangers on the internet for a second opinion is a pretty good indication that this is in fact an issue.

ConsistentCheesecake −  I would ask yourself how much time you spend fantasizing, in a given day. Is it every day? Is it several hours a day? I would also ask yourself if this fantasizing is stopping you from doing things that could make your actual lived experience better. If you took the time and energy you spend fantasizing and invested it in other ways, what could you get?

Could you get a deeper relationship with your husband? Could you gain more satisfaction from pursuing another hobby with that time? Everyone fantasizes some. I have done it more in times of my life where I was mostly unhappy. I did a lot of fantasizing in high school, which was a time where I felt really disconnected from other people.

I fantasized A LOT about having romance in my life. In college I fantasized about living a totally different lifestyle and having comforts that I didn’t have, and not having the stressors of hard schoolwork. These days I don’t spend much time fantasizing about a different life because I’m happier in the life I am in.

(Also I am in treatment for my anxiety and depression now, so my mental health is better.) Maybe your experience is different and it’s not something you do just because you’re unhappy. But for me, I feel like it’s something that doesn’t really give satisfaction, and it can distract you from actually *doing something* to change the circumstances that make you unhappy.

Your therapist probably has a good reason for giving this advice, but she also isn’t inside your head. This comment is just all my perspective and stuff to think about. There is nothing inherently wrong with having a rich fantasy life, and it doesn’t have to be taking away from your real life.

birdmachine −  In my opinion, it sounds like you’re escaping into your fantasies so you can avoid confronting the uncomfortable reality in your life: you aren’t satisfied in your marriage. Your fantasies seem to revolve around an idealized version of romance. Meanwhile you say you have little in common with your husband, that your s** life is lacking,

that you can’t have fun and adventure while having a stable life and child (not true btw), and that your therapist “doesn’t understand” that you “don’t have control” over these things. Your therapist understands exactly how much control you have: control over your own actions, and no one else’s. And with this control over your own actions,

instead of confronting these issues head-on, it seems like you’re avoiding them completely because you get just enough satisfaction out of your fantasies to not completely lose your mind. Have you actually spoken to your husband about your relationship? How does he feel about your s** life?

How has your relationship changed since your child was born–and how does that make you feel? Instead of daydreaming about these escapist fantasies, why don’t you try putting some of that brainpower to work thinking about how you can move forward in your relationship with your husband? Imagine what you might say to him and how he might react.

Use it to prepare you for actually talking to him for real. If you don’t address these problems they aren’t going to go away. This is your one and only life, you deserve to feel happy and loved. Don’t waste your time escaping the real world when you could be spending that time making it better.

sweadle −  This might be unhealthy because it is keeping you from actually feeling your dissatisfaction with your life and acting on it. Instead of daydreaming about a stranger, what about planning a romantic date with your husband? Instead of daydreaming about a life abroad, what about making a plan and s budget to visit somewhere? Everyone does the things you are doing. But if you do them too much, you’re blocking your own way.

[Reddit User] −  What, specifically, has your therapist identified that makes it unhealthy? In other words, in what way does this rich inner life negatively affect your “real life”? If your therapist is calling this unhealthy behavior, the onus is on your therapist to be clear and specific about WHY it’s unhealthy. If they haven’t done that, you should press them to do so.

2ekeesWarrior −  It seems your therapist gave you the best advice, which they studied to understand and you paid for. Seeking answers on social media for a mental health issue that you’ve been told to address by a professional is very indicative of how unhealthy this habit has gotten, as you’re now seeking guidance from the blind to ignore what’s been brought to light. You even said your therapist was gentle about it. Listen to them.

murdershethrew −  Others have mentioned maladaptive daydreaming, and the part that many people don’t get, is the ‘maladaptive’ part. A lot of people have coped with uncomfortable situations, or just plain boredom by creating a richer fantasy life.

It’s difficult to figure out when it becomes harmful but your therapist is likely correct that you might not be as emotionally available to others in your life because you’re too focused on the fantasy life. It’s also easy to start relying on it and ultimately finding your real life disappointing. BUt no real life can live up to our fantasies.

[Reddit User] −  I did that when I was younger, always making up scenarios where I was desired and loved. Turns out I just really wanted to be desired and loved. I agree with your therapist, because going too deep in those fantasies as your only coping mechanism doesn’t do you any good.

Instead of working on real life solutions to make you happier you remain in the status quo and just check out. The fantasies are just s quick fix and won’t help you on the long run.

Waste-Win −  r/MaladaptiveDreaming