I (30F) caught my husband (31M) in an affair and I don’t know how to move on.

A Reddit user (30F) shares her devastating experience of discovering her husband’s (31M) affair. Despite suspicions over the last few months, she was blindsided when she caught them having a conversation that confirmed the affair. The betrayal was even more painful as the affair was with a close friend.

Her husband admitted to the affair but refuses therapy or to work on their marriage, leaving her feeling abandoned and heartbroken. She’s seeking advice on how to begin moving on, especially since she’s also dealing with job loss and isolation. Read the full story below.

‘ I (30F) caught my husband (31M) in an affair and I don’t know how to move on.’

I’ve suspected things had been going on for a while, but kept brushing it off—I thought he would never do that to me. Since around April, he’s been refusing my attempts to have s** most of the time, sitting differently on the couch to where he’s facing away from me… little things.

It’s with one of our good friends. She came to my house a few weeks ago. She’s texted me. She’s pretended to be there for me. I found out because I rolled over and they were having a Snapchat conversation. She said she wished she could be there to hold him and he summarized that I tried to seduce him last night and mocked it.

I confronted him and he admitted it. He said that it was because quarantine was stressful. He does not want to work things out. He thinks of me “only as a friend in his heart.” When I told her husband, he confronted her and apparently they actually kissed back in February. I think at that moment, I was never going to be enough for him.

We used to be so so so happy. The week before they kissed, we celebrated Valentine’s Day together. He bought us a nice bottle of wine for our anniversary. We had fun, we were perfect. I don’t know where to go from here. We’ve been married only about a year.

I feel like he took so much from me and doesn’t even want to go to therapy or work this out. I don’t want to leave my house but everywhere in it I see him. He chose her. I’ve been cheated in every relationship I’ve ever been in. He was supposed to be my forever.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve made therapy appointments but I was also laid off last month, so I have too much free time to analyze every single moment where he might have been lying to me or where I made myself pathetic trying to cling to him. How do I start to get through this?

TLDR; My husband had an affair and does not want to try to work out our marriage. I feel like I’m drowning and don’t know how to start moving on.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Finn_Finite −  Lawyer first. Get the divorce filed, and get their advice on if it’s ok for you to leave the house while things are processing. As for the other, you need to fill your time. Devote yourself to hobbies, including picking up new ones. Rely on friends – long video calls, watching movies together, etc. Fill as much of your time as you can until things start to process.

I’m so sorry he gave up on you without even trying, hon. You deserve far better than that. It’s a shame some people are so good at hiding how little respect they have for other folk, but please hold onto the fact that *none of this was your fault*. There is absolutely zero reason for a partner to cheat, ever, and there is absolutely no justification that can put even a shred of the blame on you.

0biterdicta −  You can’t go to therapy and work this out. It only gets worked out if both people want to put the effort in, and your husband has made it very clear he’s not interested in trying to make the relationship work. He directly told you that. You need to find a lawyer and file for divorce.

Leogirly −  Have a mantra to help you when things get overwhelming. “I’m going to be okay. This sucks but I’m going to be okay.” “I am a loyal, trustworthy, hardworking woman, I deserve the same in return.” “I am beautiful, I am confident, I am worthy.”

Even if you don’t feel they are true in this moment, it will help to say them out loud until they hold truth to you. I’m sorry you are going through this. You can’t trust this man anymore and he is not willing to compromise with you. You deserve better.

Rifter0876 −  Call a lawyer. Relationships take two and he’s clearly done.

CatBlep4life −  I was where you are 5 years ago. My husband leaving me and subsequent divorce was very sudden and traumatic. It took time but eventually I got my emotional s**t together and life went on. You’ll be thrown for a loop for a while but what absolutely will help is cutting both people out completely.

No “gaining closure talks”, no coffee dates to catch up, no late night texts etc. Block them on all social media and step back from mutual friends. Make sure you are serious in your conviction that your husband is a stranger who doesn’t deserve your time. Same goes for your “friend”. That means they aren’t allowed to weasel their way back into your life.

You loving either one of them is not an excuse to let them back in your life. You have to accept and understand that fact. One or the other will want some form of contact at some point, they don’t deserve that from you. Throw yourself into hobbies, friends, getting a new job, exercising whatever.

PM_TITS_OR_DONT −  The first thing you need to do is work on what your first step in the divorce will be. Go talk to a lawyer. Many offer free initial consultations. You are posting here asking for emotional support – and you do clearly need it – but the main thing you to need to do is get yourself out of this terrible situation where you are married to someone who doesn’t give two shits about you. You will feel better if you start taking definite steps in that direction.

People post here all the time about finding out their partner cheated or had an affair but they want to work things out and the poster doesn’t know how to trust them. Your husband is making this easy for you – he doesn’t even pretend to want to work on things. Don’t forget that decision of his even if he later changes his mind and wants to work things out.

He has chosen the other woman in a clear an unambiguous way. Even if he chooses you later, you already know that doesn’t stop him from looking for a better option. Even if your “friend” decides to end the affair for good, you should assume your husband will look for yet another alternative option to you.

Therapy is also a good idea, when you can get around to it. You might also look around for support groups – maybe r/surviving_infidelity, or maybe a local group of some kind. Or maybe just a friend or family member or two who you can turn to right now. (NOT your husband, obviously).

Chazzyphant −  Wow I’m so sorry. I notice one line that stands out: “I’ve been cheated on in every relationship I’ve been in.” That really sticks out to me. There’s something going on. Yes, it’s the dudes’ fault. But this + “everything was perfect a month ago” says that perception isn’t lining up with reality for you and you have a really well developed coping mechanism for overlooking flaws in people and maybe excusing red flags or problems.

I can’t really speculate where that came from, but usually people who were told or shown “reality is what you make it and I **insist** it be okay!” (my mom was like this) are expert excuse makers, reform school for bad boys matrons, and live pretty deep in denial—I know because I was one. Also people struggling with their own stuff sometimes pick troubled friends as well and tolerate, overlook, forgive or excuse messed up stuff.

A good therapist can work with you to unravel the reasons that led to this in terms of things that you maybe excused or forgave or missed/ignored so it never happens again.

[Reddit User] −  Cheating aside, You DO need to go to therapy for the line you dropped at the end about being cheated on in every relationship. Clearly there’s something about you unresolved that allows people that abuse boundaries to sniff you out and take advantage of you.

Thepoopsith −  Why are people so gross. Your husband is gross, your “friend” is gross. Having integrity isn’t that hard. They are trash masquerading as people. I’m sorry this happened to you. My father in law did something similar, so did my uncle. Uncle and aunt stayed together and worked it out FIL married affair partner.

It’s been years and I try to treat them normally, but I just don’t have the respect for them and I can barely stand being in the same room. This will happen to your husband and honestly I think it’s a very good reason to not bother working things out when a partner has an affair. You can be assured that everyone who knows just barely tolerates the person now.

[Reddit User] −  The only way forward from here with divorce. Your husband is not only a cheating scumbag, but he shows no remorse or desire to fix things, and one person can’t hold a relationship together on their own.

Betrayal is never easy to navigate, especially when it comes from someone you trusted. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt betrayed by someone close to you? How did you find the strength to move forward? Share your thoughts below!