I [29M] Do Almost Nothing Around the House and My Wife [25F] is Upset?

A Reddit user (29M) shares his frustration after overhearing his wife’s friends criticize their domestic arrangement. His wife stays home while he works full-time, and she handles most household chores.

After a confrontation with her friends, he made a comment about how both partners need money, which upset his wife. He now seeks advice on how to reassure her and show appreciation for her efforts. Read the original story below.

‘ I [29M] Do Almost Nothing Around the House and My Wife [25F] is Upset?’

I’m the sole earner for our household, my wife stays home. We don’t have children. Due primarily to a string of horrible jobs that led to some pretty bad anxiety issues for her, we agreed last year that she could stop working and pursue whatever hobbies, activities etc. that she wanted while I provided for us financially.

As part of this, she agreed to take care of basically everything related to the home – cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and so on. I still handle a couple items, really just the garbage and the lawn. Beyond that it’s all her, and she does a great job.

Coming home to a clean house and a fresh meal from a wife who’s happier than I’ve seen her in years is wonderful. She’s also able to keep herself looking even hotter than usual which is definitely fun for us both lol.

Anyway that’s the arrangement we have currently, and I think it’s more than fair (as does she) – our house isn’t big at all so we’re talking maybe 2-3 hours a day max to stay on top of everything. Might be temporary as she recharges and develops new skills/interests, or it could be permanent. I’m fine with either one, it’s up to her.

She had some friends over the other evening, I was playing games in my office. I came out to grab a drink and overheard her friends commenting on our situation. They were saying it wasn’t fair that my wife had to do everything, I should be pitching in more, what is this the 1950s, s**t like that.

Ok whatever, I disagree but they can talk. Doesn’t affect me. I come out again later to get something and these “guests” actually start straight up scolding me. Same nonsense as before, I’m lazy, I need to do this and that blah blah. My wife clearly didn’t agree or intend for this to happen but was too embarrassed to say anything.

They end their rant with one of them saying “You both make messes, why should she be the only one cleaning them up?” I probably should have just said it was none of their business and been done with it, but I was pissed and wanted to show how dumb that question was. So I responded: “We both need money, why should I be the only one making it?”

They didn’t say much after that so I went back into my office, they left a short time later. I finish up in there and find my wife still in the living room, crying. I go to comfort her, thinking it was just out of embarrassment from what happened. But she said that what I said hurt her a lot.

It sounded like I didn’t think she did enough and wanted her to go back to work. I tried to explain that it was just a rhetorical question to make a point but she’s still upset. How can I reassure her that I’m happy with our arrangement and appreciate everything she does?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  Sounds like those friends don’t need to be invited back to your home.

[Reddit User] −  There are two issues here, and you are combining them. Your wife is not upset because you don’t do anything around the house as your title says, she is upset because your comment wasn’t directed at the “friends” attacking you but instead it focused on her.

You said yourself she isn’t working because of “pretty bad anxiety issues”, even if she is happier now and doesn’t want to work that doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel bad for not contributing financially. You should have chosen your words better and you need to apologize for that, period.

It doesn’t matter if it was a rhetorical question, it would be like if I knew you had something you were embarrassed about in your life and I ask a group of people a rhetorical question specifically about that thing while you are right there.

People are saying she should have stood up for you, but I understand not wanting to being confrontation on oneself when it seems like the mob is in agreement. You could have said something more along the lines of “This is what we have agreed on as husband and wife, if there needs to be a discussion about it then it will take place between us alone.”

They are assholes for the way they treated you, but you are in the wrong for the choice of wording given the situation that led to your wife being a stay at home spouse in the first place.

sethg −  The first step towards reassuring your wife is recognizing how your friends laid a trap for you, and you drop-kicked her into it. Due primarily to a string of horrible jobs that led to some pretty bad anxiety issues for her, we agreed last year that she could stop working and pursue whatever hobbies, activities etc. that she wanted while I provided for us financially.

I infer from this that **your wife wishes that she could work outside the home for a living, but her anxiety disorder is keeping her from doing so**. So when your friends criticized you for having (what they perceive as) a 1950s-style traditional marriage, she felt stung as well, because she doesn’t want that kind of marriage, either!

And instead of treating their criticism as an attack on your marriage—on the two of you, as a team—you treated it as an attack on you, personally, and responded by criticizing your wife: “We both need money, why should I be the only one making it?” Your friends don’t know the real answer to this question **but your wife does**.

[Reddit User] −  Insulting your host is extremely bad manners for any guest.

ThatCrazyChick1231 −  I’d apologize for hurting her feelings and tell her you didn’t mean it like that and are sorry it came across that way. You’re happy with the way you two have things arranged and if she’s happy with the arrangement as well then that’s all that matters.

Tell her you probably should have told them that your guys’ arrangements aren’t their business, but in the moment the wrong thing came to mind and in turn came out of your mouth.

Tell her you appreciate her and everything she does and even if others don’t agree with the way you two have things that doesn’t mean you two are doing anything wrong so long as you’re both happy. ETA: her silence I doubt was to hurt anyone – she was more than like having an anxiety attack and didn’t know what to do

BoopYourDogForMe −  I agree with commenters who recommended that OP check in with his wife and make sure she’s still happy with their arrangement. It might be worth considering a new arrangement if she isn’t. For example, what if she got a relatively low-stress part-time job to pad your household income a bit and the two of you tried more of a 70-30 split of chores?

Bexickle −  Are you really sure that your wife is as happy with this arrangement as she says she is? Also, there is a difference between typical stay-at-home cleaning and waiting on you hand and foot. Do you still do the common decency things, like clear your own plate and put it in the dishwasher kind of stuff? This story seems very one sided.

The wife’s friends are upset with you, you’re talking about how hot your wife is now, your wife is in tears because of something you said…but the way you tell it, none of it is your fault. I’d guess she is upset about more than just that one comment and maybe you should be trying to figure out what’s been going on in her mind.

merigoround1996 −  Why didn’t she stand up for you? You were also hurt by her friends comments. Silence in a situation like this is inappropriate on her behalf

czechtheboxes −  “We both need money, why should I be the only one making it?” Please reread this again out loud. This wasn’t directed at those friends, it was directed at your wife’s jugular. She is likely insecure about not being able to find a good job / staying in that good job.

Those friends are still assholes, but they also likely do not know about your wife’s anxiety or the situation surrounding those bad jobs. They are not entitled to that info, but that’s probably where their rant came from. Still assholes though. Your outburst also basically confirmed their perception BTW.

Why should I do house work, she is home all day and I am the one actually making money in this house.’ <— that’s what your outburst actually said to them. Basically not holding a job is a sore spot for your wife. You swung at those friends, missed and knocked out your wife instead.

EDIT: I thought about this a little more and I want to add while you and your wife might be happy with this arrangement, how you guys came to get there (the job situation, her anxiety) probably makes your wife feel like she is a failure. She might feel like you secretly resent her and the arrangement and your comment essentially said exactly that.

Second edit: what I am saying is op didn’t come across as asking a rhetorical question and instead came across as resenting his wife. Op and more of you need to stop defending a poor joke and op needs to reassure his wife he doesn’t resent her.

sh1nycat −  Ok, I’m currently a stay at home mom, so let me explain. It is INCREDIBLY easy to feel guilty nowadays for not contributing financially. Even if it is agreed upon, even if you do equal EFFORT, there is a very big emphasis placed on the amount of earnings, because everything revolves around money.

So while you have an agreement and the agreement is great, the way you phrased your rebuttal hit her personally. It sort of makes sense the way you intended it, but running that through my “I used to work and now my husband provides for me and has to give money to me which is weird” filters,

it is going to sound to her like you have become bitter about being the sole provider, which she doesn’t want. That would make her feel like a burden instead of a partner. You need to explain to her that you were trying to snap back because they were hanging up on you,

but that she does a BEAUTIFUL job around the house and with herself and hobbies, and that you LOOOVE seeing her happier. Explain that you are enjoying the arrangement and hope that she is to, as she seems to be, and that your wording didnt reflect what you meant very well.

I think what you meant was more like “we have an arrangement and are equal partners making equal efforts but in different areas of our life together. Since she is not going to a job job, she is doing a little more of the housework as the job portion, and being able to take pride in the home and herself without feeling the burden of a soul sucking job.

we agreed that this seemed balanced time and energy wise,and as long as it is benefiting her mental health, it is good for us. Should we need to tweak things, we absolutely can, but neither of us feel that we need outside approval, so long as we are communicating with each other and both at least content.

So kindly calm tf down” or something like that (obviously, you wanted a snap back and not a speech, but I get the feeling your intent was something like this?) So..in a nutshell, she is feeling immense guilt, thinking that you havent told her you are starting to resent her staying home and not bringing in money.

I think with some heavy reassurance and a lot of explaining what you truly meant, she will come around. But…emphasis on the reassurance. As a woman, my brain never shuts tf up,

especially if I get a chink in my confidence or feel guilty about something like this by own husband has been reassuring me for months that he wants me to stay home with our daughter and he values what I’m doing,

and some days I actually believe it, but others, I keep saying im not doing enough and I worry. Not sure how abnormal that is, but I know that guilt thing is very common. Tons of reassurance will help.

It’s natural for misunderstandings to happen, especially when emotions are involved. In relationships, it’s essential to communicate openly and clearly, ensuring both parties feel valued. Have any of you faced similar issues with balancing household responsibilities and expectations? How do you show appreciation for your partner’s contributions? Share your thoughts below.