I (29f) caught my husband (38M) reading my diary. He admitted to having done so consistently the past three years. He has a binder of some of the pages photocopied. I am unsure of how to feel in this marriage.

A woman (29) discovered that her husband (38) has been secretly reading her diary for the past three years, even photocopying pages and making notes. She feels betrayed and confused, especially since her diary has always been a place for her to express herself. Her husband justifies his actions by saying that he was concerned about her after her father’s death. Now, she feels like her privacy has been violated and is questioning her feelings and whether she’s depressed. Read the full story below.

‘ I (29f) caught my husband (38M) reading my diary. He admitted to having done so consistently the past three years. He has a binder of some of the pages photocopied. I am unsure of how to feel in this marriage.’

 Yesterday afternoon I came home from work early because I wasn’t feeling well. I assumed my husband Jake (5 years married) was at work still because it was early in the day. I went upstairs to our bedroom to take a nap and I caught him trying to stuff my diary back into its hiding place. Shocked, I asked him what he was doing. at first he said nothing and he was cleaning our room and found it and was about to put it back.

But he was fidgety and I knew he was lying. I pressed on it more and asked if he was really reading my diary, like seriously…?, and I felt so weird saying that. It reminded me of the time my mom ready my diary when I was 13 and I caught her. I felt like a kid all over again with my privacy being invaded and being secretly judged.

Eventually he admitted that yes he had been reading it. I was hurt and still am. My diary is sacred to me and always has been. It’s the one place I feel I can truly open up and be myself. I questioned him even more about it and he admitted he’d been doing this consistently for three years. He said he started doing it after my dad died because he was worried about me. The time was rough for me sure but I wasn’t depressed. It was my dads time to go after a long battle with cancer and I knew it was coming. I don’t think my behavior changed drastically enough to warrant my husband to invade my privacy and read my diary.

He said once he got started he couldn’t stop it and it was addicting. He even admitted to have some pages photocopied. on the photocopied pages he would make notes and draw question marks. I noticed one or two of the question marks were drawn around entries and paragraphs where I talk about going out with my friends or seeing my family. I asked him why on earth he would draw question marks around that. Did he not trust me?

I was so confused. He then deflected and snatched the booklet with the photocopies from my hand and said that I should not be so upset about this. Husbands and wives should share everything and I shouldn’t be so antsy about my diary unless I had things to hide from him. He said that he feels he has a right to look at it as my husband and that he’s just concerned about me.

My thing is, he invaded my privacy. I’m my own person apart from him… Arent I? I really like having a place to be myself completely… I can’t even have that? I’m already going to quit my job soon to make him happy so I can stay home with our future kids. I’ve already given up a lot of my life since I got married. I don’t see some of my friends because Jake says I now have marital responsibilities and I can’t be attached to single life anymore.

I gave up my favorite hobby of hiking because Jake said it was dangerous. I don’t know. I’m just getting sad writing this. Writing in my diary was one of the only things I had left and now it’s been taken from me. I’ve been so sad I can’t even process it.

I don’t know reddit. Sometimes I feel like a shell of my former self in this marriage. But I feel like I’m overreacting and I’m sure that’s what you’re thinking right now. Sometimes I just lay in bed and cry and wonder if this Is all there is in the world. I used to have so many friends and hobbies and I feel like since getting married things have changed so much. My home has become a place that only makes me sad and tired and feel gray and weak and pessimistic inside and even cold to the point where I just lay in bed with blankets over me.

Nothing to do every single day but wait. Wait for Jake. Wait for work. Wait for bed time. Wait for food. Wait for my hot baths. Wait for when I can lay down for hours with no one looking. Not even enough strength to get up and go for a walk or do something productive.
I can’t decide if it’s my marriage or if I’m depressed. I don’t know how I truly feel yet about this diary thing. I feel like my privacy has been extremely invaded. It just makes me sad more than anything and Jake won’t even apologize to me.

He says I am being dramatic and silly and that I just need a good nap and I’ll be okay. That he’s just doing what is best for me and that he always will do just that and take care of me and make sure I never have to lift a finger in this world or have a job or go anywhere but the comfort of our home that he bought for us.. He wants me to stay home for fourth of July and not go anywhere and rest instead. I wish I could just go outside and walk in a straight line and never look back.

I just needed to vent I guess. If you have any advice I’d appreciate it. Would you consider this a major breech of privacy or no big deal? Do you think I’m depressed ? Tl;dr: my husband has been reading my diary and more than anything I am just filled with sadness and regret.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

mcnuggetskitty −  I don’t tell this story often because it’s so painful even still. My ex husband read my journals when we were married, towards the end. He not only read them, he copied them and gave them to his divorce attorney to use against me in court. It was pretty much my only healthy emotional outlet, and he took it away from me. We’ve been divorced over a decade, and I’ve never been able to write a single word since then. It was such an enormous violation, my only truly safe space to sort out my thoughts and emotions, and it was the moment I knew for sure our marriage was over.

Here’s what I see: He wasn’t just skimming them to be sure you were OK, to check up on you, to see what you really thought of him, and so on. He made copies. He made notes. Snooping is absolutely not OK, but making copies and notes on it is absolutely beyond normal human weakness. It hints at something much darker, much scarier. It’s a bad, bad sign.

The rest of your post sent chills up my spine. You about to quit your job to raise children that haven’t even been conceived yet? I’d bet anything he’s been encouraging and pushing and hinting at that. Then he’d have total control over what you do, where you go, and records of your every move. You could never leave him because you’d need him, you couldn’t support yourself.

He’d be able to, even have to, approve your every purchase, know your every whereabout, monitor your entire life. “Not having to lift a finger” also implies total passivity, at least in certain tones. It can imply a life of leisure, or a life of never going against him. Being a homemaker or stay at home parent is fine for those who choose it, but do you even *want* to quit your job to be home for children who are so far hypothetical? Do you feel safe and an equal partner if the only money is “his”? Will it also be yours?

You’ve given up friends because he says you have “martial duties” now. What duties were being neglected by having friends? Does he require all of your attention all of the time? Does he expect you to cater to him? Were you out clubbing with them until 4 am every night? Or were you not home once a month or so to cook him dinner or something?

You’ve given up your favorite hobby because he thinks it’s “dangerous”. Were you into extreme hiking in dangerous conditions and dangling off the Grand Canyon with no safety gear or climbing Everest without preparing? Did you go out without a map or communication or a plan or proper provisions? Or was it just normal hiking along a nature trail or something? Was it time to yourself to be you and feel whole and that made him feel threatened?

A marriage should not make you feel like a prop to serve your spouse. A marriage should be a partnership where each party is loved and accepted for who they are and has an equal voice as that person. It’s not two halves of a whole, it’s two wholes making something better as a team. It’s certainly not where one person dictates who the other is, takes away their autonomy, and chips away at everything that makes them themselves.

You do sound depressed. That doesn’t mean you’re the problem here. It sounds like he is purposely and systematically wearing down the person you are to make you into the perfect servant for him. It sounds like he’s slowly gaining more control over what you do, where you go, how much power you have, whether or not you can leave, and who you are. He’s isolating you, he’s violating your privacy, he’s taking away your autonomy, and he’s wearing down at the person you are. And he’s making you feel like it’s your fault.

Don’t let him. Run. Run far, run fast, run now. If you stay with this man, you will wake up one day years from now and realize you are nothing but a servant to his wants, needs, whims, and moods. And you’ll have no way out, he’ll have you trapped. Do not quit your job, do not have children with this man, do not allow yourself to be trapped right now. Get help, seek a therapist, keep your own money, think for yourself, examine this with open eyes and a clear mind. Be absolutely sure that you will have a voice and be a partner if you follow through with this plan.

My feeling is that this man is dangerous to you and you will lose yourself completely if this goes on. Please make sure that this is what you want, and if it’s not or you’re not sure, get out. Now.

GirlWhoPoops −  What you’ve written is basically a step by step guide on how to ease a woman into an abusive relationship without her even realizing it. Whatever you do, don’t give up your source of income, and for the love of God, don’t get pregnant.

unhappymedium −  Don’t quit your job and double up on your birth control. Your post is full of abuse red flags – trying to make you financially dependent on him, alienating you from your friends, making you give up hobbies that take you outside of the home – and now this. It sounds like he’s reading it for ammunition to see how to control you better.

[Reddit User] −  Your entire post filled me with anxious nausea. This guy doesn’t have your best interests at heart. People are recommending marriage counseling. I can’t agree. You are already being isolated and stripped of your joys (out of “concern”? Hah). He is already in the process of easing you into abuse normalization. You are scared of his response if you left. At this point, I honestly think marriage counseling would help him wound you more deeply.

[Reddit User] −  I think you need to see a counselor. I’m worried that your husband pushed for you to quit your job, to stop seeing your friends, to stop you from your favourite hobby of hiking, and now to even push that he has the right to invade your privacy and read your private diary. I am so worried for you. Please talk to your friends and family. Please do not quit your job. Perhaps, your father’s death and the controlling behavior of your husband has affected you. Please talk to someone you trust.

carocat −  That’s probably the biggest i**asion of privacy I’ve ever read about on this sub. Had he picked it up once – accidentally, not knowing what it was – and read it before realising and then immediately putting it down it would be fine. However, what he’s done is a systematic and calculating move to monitor you. Taking notes, questioning parts of your PERSONAL diary. And blaming it on you for not trusting him? That’s incredibly warped. Don’t let that thought get into your head.

In order to make him happy you’re quitting your job? Why on earth would you want to do that? You’ve given up friends, hobbies to make him happy. That’s not how marriage works. The good news is that you know that and recognise he’s wrong by making this post. So let’s plan. You need to leave. Do you have anyone you can stay with? Are there any women’s shelters in the area? Do you have access to money?

robot_worgen −  I agree with everyone else – he is controlling and abusive and this will likely escalate if you stay. I just wanted to add: he’s been secretly reading your diary for years, with such o**ession he photocopies it, so you need to clear your browser history and make sure he can’t find this post. I would honestly be surprised if he doesn’t snoop on your computer given the rest of his behaviour. Consider googling to find a program which searches for keyloggers as well. Good luck, I hope everyone has helped you see what is going on here.

RogueKitteh −  He said that he feels he has a right to look at it as my husband. I’m already going to quit my job soon to make him happy so I can stay home with our future kids. I’ve already given up a lot of my life since I got married. I don’t see some of my friends because Jake says I now have marital responsibilities and I can’t be attached to single life anymore.

OP, you are in an abusive relationship. Your husband doesn’t respect you or your autonomy. To him, you are not your own person but an extension of him he controls for his own happiness. You (an adult) are not allowed friends, freedom or privacy. Let that sink in. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

Aladdin_Caine −  if you are depressed, it is situational depression from being with a horrible partner. He is terrible. It is objectively crazy by all standards to read someone else’s diary and make photocopies and keep them in a booklet making notes on it.

If it’s so normal, why was he trying to hide it when you caught him? If it’s so not a big deal, then why has he been doing it behind your back for three years? If it’s such standard behaviour then why didn’t he bring it up on date one or five or ten or anytime before or after marrying you as that totes normal thing he expects to happen in your life together. He knows he’s wrong. You need to claw back enough of your sense of self to get the hell away from this dude. Do not make children with this man. You’ll just be handing him one more tool to control you with.

noisycat −  OP I am you several years in the future after you have given up your job, friends, and had kids. Run. Do not look back. Be free. Your husband is wearing you down and isolating you. I have no friends here. I have not been out of the house socially in over *two years* because I’m needed to watch the children. I can’t even go out for coffee *by myself* without a barrage of texts and calls of when I will be home.

So far I average three hours of “me time” every *three months*. I can’t even schedule therapy. I have no money of my own anymore. If I’m lucky I get $50-100 a month to spend on everything I need. I’ve had a toothache for three months because it’s not a priority to him. I have carved out moments of joy with my kids but I am not the vibrant, cheerful, optimistic person that worked her dream job and smiled all the time. Run. Do whatever you can to reclaim yourself. please.