I (28F) am getting tired of my bf (28M) getting upset over inoffensive things that I say

A Reddit user (28F) is frustrated with her boyfriend (28M), who regularly gets upset over inoffensive or innocent things she says, turning minor comments into big arguments. This has caused ongoing tension, especially after they moved in together, and the user feels misunderstood, blamed, and insulted.

Despite trying to listen and apologize, the boyfriend continues to paint himself as the victim, leaving the user anxious and upset. She seeks advice on how to communicate more effectively and prevent these misunderstandings.

‘ I (28F) am getting tired of my bf (28M) getting upset over inoffensive things that I say’

I’m presently on a walk trying to blow off steam. My boyfriend has a habit of getting offended by something I say. Last week I said “My friend Sam wants to hang out with us soon! He wants to get to know you better. He’s a good guy.” We had a day-long fight about it because he said I “went on and on about how Sam is a great guy after we had s** (it had been 20 min or so but we were in bed talking) and that made me upset.”

We had a day of fighting where he accused me of not being sensitive enough and I accused him of reading too much into a single sentence. This is not the first time it’s happened. We’ve been dating 8 months. We were LDR for a while and had maybe 5 fights in that time (6months). The last 2 months we’ve lived together (I’m in another country and he came here to live with me).

Last night he was talking about when he goes back to his home country he’ll have to find a place etc and he doesn’t know if he’ll find temporary housing. I suggested him getting an apartment and breaking his lease (I have had to do this before and will do this next year as a matter of fact. It sucks but that’s how s**t works and we just gotta put up with it).

This has turned into a day of us fighting with him accusing me of taking him for granted, taking his job flexibility for granted (he can work anywhere), not caring enough, not being sensitive enough—you name it.

That one sentence apparently had a LOT of meaning to him, when I was just trying to offer up suggestions. I explained my side, listened to him, agreed with him on some points, and apologized. He continued to go on about how I don’t appreciate him.

This is a theme in our fights. I say something “wrong,” he gets upset, he insults me without calling me a “bad girlfriend” outright, gets mad that I get upset, then says he can’t tell me how he feels and how it’s always his fault and paints himself the victim.

I’m livid. I’ve done so much for him and have been nothing but grateful he has moved here for me. I never asked him to; he wanted to, and he wants to come back in a few more months when his tourist visa is up.

He has always been the one saying he has the money, his job is flexible, he wants to be here. Now he accuses me of putting pressure on him.. Because of that one sentence. I need insight, I need perspective, I need advice. Please help.

Tl;dr my boyfriend and I have regular fights that start with him being upset by something I say that is meant to be inoffensive/innocent, he turns it into something it’s not, he insults me in the process and blames me, I get upset, he gets upset I get upset, and then I’m so livid I spend a whole day being anxious and upset. I don’t know how to get him to hear what I say rather than assign nonexistent meaning to my sentences.. Thank you in advance.

Check out how the community responded:

LeBronzeFlamez −  I would seriously not have time for this. Everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning of a relationship. Imagine when you care a little bit less and he Get a bit more sensitive. You guys will do nothing but fight.

kelsnuggets −  Holy cow … he sounds incredibly good at g**lighting you and manipulating you into thinking he’s the victim. I would have zero patience for this nonsense. Don’t play into his mind games- kick his b**t to the curb. You should be having wild s** and living it up together, not fighting over your word choice.

Ladyughsalot1 −  He’s either so eaten up by his victim mentality that he cannot stand to focus on anyone but himself, thus making it all about him…. Or he’s doing this to make sure you feel nervous before sharing an opinion lest you insult him, which gives him an upper hand. Neither option makes him an option for a partner. He can’t manage a relationship right now.

tinybluesatan −  Yeah that’s ridiculous; it sounds like he’s got some issues he needs professional help with.

Will11994 −  It sounds like he is dealing with some hearty insecurity. He’s feeling threatened by things you say for whatever reason. It’s irrational and doesn’t make sense but to him he’s worried about the relationship. LDR’s can be hard and maybe that is when it started for him.

Relationships can sometimes feel like a never-ending cycle of miscommunication. Have you experienced something similar, where a simple conversation escalates into a big fight? How did you manage to break the cycle? Share your thoughts or advice in the comments!