I (27m) found out one of the big reasons I married my wife (27f) was a lie. Should I bring it up?

A Redditor (27M) shares a dilemma about discovering that a key reason he married his wife (27F)—her claim that she waited for him during his first deployment—was untrue. They now have two children, and the revelation came accidentally when their toddler accessed old messages on her iPad.

Though the events happened years ago and they weren’t officially dating at the time, the user feels hurt by the lie and wonders whether bringing it up would cause unnecessary conflict. Read the original story below:

‘ I (27m) found out one of the big reasons I married my wife (27f) was a lie. Should I bring it up? ‘

I (27m) found out one of the big reasons I married my wife (27f) was a lie. We started dating at 18, right after I joined the military(she is a local where I got stationed). About 3months into dating I found out I was being deployed. I pretty much gave her the option to break off the relationship. Because that’s totally not fair to her.

Well she said “let’s keep In touch ”, so that’s what we did(We stopped dating but kept in touch). We officially started dating again around the end of my deployment. I knew for those few months at the beginning of my deployment, she was probably dating around.

But when I came back, she had told me that she never met with anyother guy or dated since I’ve been gone. She said that she waited until I came back. I took this as a huge green flag(ik how gullible I am for believing that, but I was 18 lol). Well, I took that green flag seriously into account before I decided to pop the question a couple years later.

Fast forward Im happily married to her with 2 sons. Recently, our toddler needed a tablet to watch dancing fruit and such. We decided to use her old iPad (This Ipad hadn’t been used since the beginning of our relationship). I forgot to turn on guided access before putting our other son down for a nap.

Welp our oldest Son figured out how to FaceTime people. He pretty much FaceTimed a bunch of her family members and a couple of her old “friends”. After I heard people talking to my son, I ran in and ended the call. Some of the people my son called had hearts and heart eye emojis, I got curious and opened the messages (they didn’t pick up my sons FT attempt, thank god).

Then I saw some s**ual messages dated back when I was on my first deployment. She was with a couple guys after I left on my first deployment, this hurt me pretty bad. Especially after reading those texts. Should I even bring this up to her? It was so long ago.

We weren’t officially dating and she hasn’t talked to those guys since then. But,her saying she “waited for me” was a big factor into asking her to marry me a couple years later. Ik I shouldn’t have clicked those old messages, wish I never did.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

ThrowRA_boogie −  Her not getting into a relationship was her waiting for you. Don’t ruin a good thing, if it’s a good thing! She didn’t cheat because you “kept in touch” rather than dating. I would say if she is a good wife, that hasn’t cheated or done anything of the likes, don’t fret over the past.

She was 18, and you could’ve came back from deployment and not been interested anymore. As far as military relationships go (as someone who served) this is not a bad situation at all. What about all the green flags since you started dating/ been married? Focus on that

Edit: not trying to sound like an a**hole, just offering perspective on how not to overthink yourself out of a successful marriage. Also delete those pics/ messages so you don’t scar your kids lol

Prestigious-Depth583 −  Veteran as well and I see this situation go differently a lot. You come back and they moved on, but she still thought of you after all that time and at that age?she’s a keeper. Even if she did date around. She choose you. You’re the winner. Feel like a winner.

KarenJoanneO −  I mean, ‘I waited for you’ could mean a lot of things. To me, it would have meant ‘I didn’t pursue anything seriously’ not ‘I didn’t have any fun at all’. And really, it shouldn’t have had anything to do with your decision to marry her, that’s honestly weird to me.

Independent-Land-232 −  sounds like she did wait for you. she didn’t pursue other serious relationships and she was still excited for commitment to you when you came back

NYCStoryteller −  I’m not one for sweeping things under the rug. If your marriage is as great as you say it is, you should be able to say “the kids were playing with your ipad and started chatting up your friends, and I noticed that some of those “friends” were people that you were chatting with while I was on my first deployment.

I’m feeling a certain way about it because you told me that you weren’t in a relationship while I was gone, but clearly you were exploring. Why didn’t you just shoot straight with me and say that you’d had some hookups or flirtations? Is there anything I need to worry about? I need 100% transparency.”

In the grand scheme of things, you WEREN’T together, so she didn’t cheat on you. You were friends who were staying in touch. There was no commitment broken. But also, you have to be able to 100% trust her. Is she going to go through her messages and delete some folks? Does. she have any current contact with any of these people?

N0b0dy-Imp0rtant −  If it’s something that really bothers you and is hurting your feelings then you should at least talk to her about them so she can help you work through them. Be clear this isn’t about divorce or arguing but about helping you understand and get past it. The only reason it matters is because she lied really, honesty and integrity matter especially in a marriage.

FairyCompetent −  I wouldn’t judge an adult for teenage behavior. 

Destroyer2118 −  Disagree with the comments telling you to bury your head in the sand and ignore it. Sorry, that’s not healthy. The problem with this information, and knowing she lied and hid it, is the “what else” thoughts it creates. Ok she lied and hid it back then, was it only back then? When did it stop? What else has she hid?

You’ve got to address this or those thoughts will build and eat your relationship alive. You say her saying she waited for you was a big factor, you need to figure out what you would have done with this information if you learned about it before you got married.

There are a very surprising number of people on these subs that truly believe that if you can lie about something and hide it for long enough, then it shouldn’t matter. As long as you can successfully hide the lie for an extended period of time, all should be forgiven.

They’ll redirect to all the good things they’ve done since lying to you as justification for why them lying shouldn’t matter. I personally disagree, but that sentiment is shared a lot here (and on the a**ltery subs, go figure) so that’s up to you to decide. Either way, this bothers you so a discussion needs to be had.

Maple_Mistress −  Maybe I’m in the minority here but the mistakes we make at 18 years old are meant to be learning moments that help shape the adults we become. If she has been trustworthy for the rest of this time and there are no other issues, just talk to her. Let her know what you found.

I would tell my spouse I’m not upset but I wished they’d have been honest with me and I forgive them for lying. I’d also tell them I hope they can come to me in the future. I’d want to know why they felt they couldn’t tell me in the first place and work on that as well.

InMiThroat −  My question is: were you with anyone from the time you left her to the time you got back?

Does it make sense to confront a lie from the past, or should it be left alone to protect the current relationship? Would discussing it bring healing or unnecessary hurt? How would you handle a situation where a foundational belief about your marriage was questioned? Share your thoughts below!