I [26F] missed an important funeral and now I think my 5 year relationship with my partner [28M] might be over.

A Reddit user shared the turmoil in her five-year relationship after missing her partner’s grandmother’s funeral due to her academic commitments. Despite her efforts to support him before and after the event, her boyfriend feels deeply hurt and unable to forgive her absence.

The grief, compounded by unresolved family trauma, has strained their relationship to the point where they are considering taking time apart. Now, she’s unsure whether to continue trying to make amends or accept that the relationship might be over. Read the full story below for more context and perspectives.

‘ I [26F] missed an important funeral and now I think my 5 year relationship with my partner [28M] might be over.’

Before everything happened between us we were solid, I thought this guy was my forever. We’ve lived together for the past 3 years and I always loved him and the way we supported and helped each other. He used to say we were family, and we would always look after each other.

This year was my final year in Uni, to get my MArch and my Part II exemption to become an architect. In March this year, the final printed copy of my research project was due, basically a culmination of the past 7 years of my education. Unfortunately in this time my partner’s grandmother passed away; this woman basically raised him when both his parents couldn’t deal,

they were incredibly close, in her final years she got dementia but she always remembered him and their little inside jokes, he loved her so much, probably more than anyone else in the whole world. Over those few weeks after she passed away, I tried to spend a lot of time with him.

I took him to the archdiocese and we lit candles and walked through the gardens and talked about his grandmother. His friends came up for a visit that weekend and I spent the weekend with them to keep him happy, even though I should have been working on finishing my research project.

I took care of him all that week, letting him rest and try to mourn, unfortunately his boss is a huge p**ck and it was a struggle for him to get any time off to properly rest and take care of himself. His Grandmother’s funeral was schedule to be 4 days before my research project hand in date;

the problem with this is that I still needed to get everything printed and do final editing and the funeral was happening on the other side of the country, This was a 200 page research project; I worked my ass off to get everything together beforehand, so that I could go with him,

but in the end I didn’t have the time and the reality was that I was editing and adding to the project up until 2 days before my hand in. I did skype with him in the mornings and evenings so we could talk about how he was doing. After the funeral he returned home, but he was incredibly sad. After my hand in I tried to talk with him about it,

he showed me some pictures and I read the eulogy that his sister read at the funeral, I cried a bit after reading the eulogy, and that’s when my boyfriend got angry, he said that I didn’t have a right to cry or be upset because it was his grandmother and because I had chosen to forego the funeral. Things have just gone down hill since then; it’s been 2 months.

On top of my research project, I also had my regular work to finish over the past 2 months; it’s just been a very busy time in my life. My boyfriend went through a similar experience the year before, where I helped and supported him through his work, and he tried to help me and support me through mine, but the entire time he was cold and distant,

and at one point he even admitted to me that he didn’t want to help me, and he couldn’t be bothered. So this all came to a head recently, when I confronted him about how he’s been distant and the way he has been treating me (ignoring me all day, being rude, distant and sometime downright n**ty to me) He basically said he can’t forgive me for missing his grandmother’s funeral, and he doesn’t think he ever will.

At this point I will admit that I lost it, I was put in a situation where I had to choose between my relationship and my education and it’s only in hindsight that I see it. I was so o**rwhelmed and upset that I hit my head against the wall, hard and screamed, but only because I’ve never been in so much emotional pain in my life, I didn’t know how to handle it so I handled it poorly.

Since then things have not gotten better; we’ve tried to talk it over calmly, but a few days ago he lost it and went on this rant about how terrible his life is and how hurt he is. There is a lot more going on with his family than I knew, including that his father used to beat him badly and his grandmother would protect him,

I never knew this about his father, though I knew they had an incredibly strained relationship. I’ve suggested therapy but he had said he’s not up for it. We talked about a solution and he thinks I need to go back to my home country by myself for a few weeks and be with my family, and to leave him alone for that time so that he can think and mourn alone.

He also said that he is thinking about moving out of our flat at the end of the summer, to go live with some friends, but he said that he wants us to stay together. I think at this point that the relationship might be over; I don’t know how to show him that I’m sorry I missed the funeral, but there was no other option for me.

I love this guy so much, but if this is how our relationship is going to be, I don’t think I can do it. I need perspective on this issue; maybe some advice on how to apologise properly? and if not maybe some advice on how to end a long term relationship?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

thricefriedchip −  I would suggest that if he is going through this emotional turmoil over his grandmother he should leave the house. By all means, if he needs space he should take it, but you should not have to leave your home or the country for him to grieve.

STD_ADVICE_H −  If he can’t forgive you, there can be no relationship. And if his conditions for grieving involve you moving out, then, yes, it’s over. If he doesn’t forgive you, then in every disagreement that comes up he’s going to pull out this incident to bludgeon you. Its also clear that he has never fully opened up to you.

The fact that you only just found out how bad his childhood was is a bad sign. It’s the sort of thing that you talk about with people you are close to, because it helps to explain how you deal with the world. It’s a level of vulnerability that leads to a deeper level of trust. And always choose education over relationships. SOs come and go; the only permanent relationship in your life is with yourself.

emmers28 −  You SO needs to recognize that you can’t move a graduate thesis deadline. This was the culmination of higher education that you’d been working toward for seven years. That is not the kind of thing you blow off, even for a funeral. It sounds like you were very supportive the entire time, and took time out of a very stressful period in your life to comfort him.

He needs to recognize this, and hopefully he will, once the grief lessens. I don’t think you need to apologize… I think some space (you going to visit family) isn’t a bad thing. But if he still wants to move in with friends after you return, then he’s basically saying he can’t forgive you.

Personally, I would tell him he needs to go to therapy to process his grief in a healthy way. The way he’s lashing out at you isn’t fair, and if he isn’t willing to work through it, then it’s over.

crayondove −  You can’t burn your whole life down for the funeral. Our sucks, but sometimes real life has to come first. You have to look out for your future. Stand your ground. If he’s unhappy and needs to grieve alone, he can leave.

[Reddit User] −  … I doubt that his grandmother would have wanted you to torpedo your education to go to a funeral. Unfortunately, yes, it looks like the relationship is over. I’m sorry.

shadefire −  My dad died a couple of years ago. My SO couldn’t come to the funeral because he had to work. The funeral was in the next state over and my SO has to travel a lot for work. Was I mad? Absolutely not! Sometimes folks just have to work.

Cindercatz −  He’s grieving and unrealistic. Did he expect you to sacrifice your whole future? You mentioned you did all these other things to comfort him so I don’t think it’s fair for him to treat you like this. Life happens and part of being a good partner is understanding that.

I think because he was so traumatized by his dad the death of his grandmother is resurfacing all of those other feelings. It probably feels to him in some round about way that you don’t care he was abused. Of course this is totally irrational but I think it means it’s over. Dont blame yourself. He has issues and refuses to fix them through therapy.

JalapenoCheese −  I was so o**rwhelmed and upset that I hit my head against the wall, hard and screamed, but only because I’ve never been in so much emotional pain in my life, I didn’t know how to handle it so I handled it poorly. Everyone else has addressed the other points, so I’m just going to mention this one.

This is not an okay or healthy way to deal with an emotionally difficult situation, especially when you’re talking about issues in a relationship. I think you know that. You need to develop better coping skills in some way, whether that is therapy or something else.

It needs to be addressed for your own sake, whether you stay with this guy or not. This is not even remotely an attack or saying that you were wrong, just that you need some kind of help in this area.

HeyApples −  I saw a family situation come up once where someone was scheduled to take their medical boards the same week that their father in law was dying of cancer. Due to travel distance and the immovability of the medical exams, she ended up missing his final days and the funeral. It was a truly g**esome situation I would not wish on anyone.

However, all parties involved were adults about the situation and carried on as best they could despite the unfortunate circumstances, knowing that life and responsibilities have to carry on even in the worst of times. If your boyfriend can’t understand that 2 months after the fact, it should be a big red flag to his maturity level.

Holding grudges and then sulking about it for such an extended length of time is ridiculous. It would not be unreasonable to give him a wake up call… “you need to get over this, or we’re through,” because holding the relationship hostage while he pouts is toxic.

walk_through_this −  He is misdirecting the pain of his grief at you. He is blaming you for the pain he feels. I really think he’s out of line – if you had attended the funeral his grandmother wouldn’t be any less dead. He’s not really being very mature. He’s also handing you a problem that has no solution – you don’t have a time machine to go back and do things differently.

Again, not very mature. He is entitled to his pain but he’s not entitled to treat you like s**t as a result. Honestly, he should be the one to leave if he can’t deal with it. But in all reality, if he’s not willing to own up to his own failings in this (and they are plenty) then you can’t stay with him to be his emotional punching bag.