I (26 M) recently found out that my Fiance (28 F) has hid her massive debt from me for our entire relationship. I’m thinking of calling off everything and leaving but everyone around me says i’m overreacting

A Redditor shared the shocking discovery that his fiancée had been hiding over $110,000 in debt from him for their entire relationship. This betrayal led him to call off the wedding and leave, but now he’s questioning his decision as friends and family downplay the issue. Read his full story below to understand his dilemma.

‘ I (26 M) recently found out that my Fiance (28 F) has hid her massive debt from me for our entire relationship. I’m thinking of calling off everything and leaving but everyone around me says i’m overreacting’

So, over the last 48 hours my life and relationship has basically gone off the deep end and I need some advice. I’ve been with my fiance for a little over 3 years now. We met through friends and started dating soon after. I proposed at the beginning of the year and we were planning to try to get married this summer.

Due to a certain world wide event we had to put that off though. Outside of the normal relationship troubled that most people have, our relationship has been great. I really felt like she was the one and I loved her. But, it turns out she’s been lying to me about her financial situation.

My fiance has never been in a “good” situation financially. She never went to college and works as a server full time. This never was a problem for me. I went to trade school and make enough money to support both of us if needed, I have had to give her money before to help her when we were dating and this never bothered me. We ended up moving in together specifically to help her out in this area. This was never a problem for me as I really don’t care about money.

However, this week I found out that she’s been lying to me about how bad her financial situation actually was. When we moved in together my fiance claimed she only had about 6k worth of credit card dept. I gave her the money to pay that off when we moved in together so that it wouldn’t be a problem in the future. Well, it turns out this was a lie. This week I found out that she has MUCH more debt. Over 110K!. She did not tell me this. I found this out when A debt collector called me. It turns out when she moved in with me she didn’t inform any of her creditors that she moved,.

Even though I don’t care about the money, this pissed me off to no end. I confronted her yesterday about this. She claims that she was so afraid she was going to lose me at the start of the relationship she decided to just not tell me about her massive debt and was going to wait till after we were married. For 3 years she just decided to lie to me. I called of the marriage then and there and packed a back and left for my parents house. She’s called me nearly 60 times since then and I’ve ignored ever one.

When I told my parents about this they said I am being immature and petty. According to them this is “not a big deal” because “everyone has debt now a days” and if I love her I need to understand how scared she was to tell me. I do love her, but she lied to me for 3 years about this. Along with this, the fact that she is so far in debt will become my problem if we married. Everyone i’ve talked to say I need to look past this and go back home. But I honestly am thinking of just calling her and telling her I’m done and we’re over. I feel like I need some advice here.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

ThomasRaith −  I work in credit underwriting. 110k is a MASSIVE amount of credit card debt. She has likely been lying on credit applications to even have that amount of credit available to her. She will probably be declined for pretty much anything going forward. House loan, car loan, etc.

That level of debt at her income level is nearly impossible to pay off. If debt collectors are calling that means she is already in default for at least one card. She will probably be forced to choose between filing bankruptcy, or facing a lawsuit. This is a very big deal, your parents are wrong. Flee from this situation because its going to be around for probably the next ten years as it is. Much longer if her spending addiction isn’t addressed immediately.

MyNextVacation −  This is serious and a very big deal. First of all, she lied to you for years. Can you trust her about other matters? Second, this behavior could be ongoing and derail any plans you and she have such as travel, kids, buying a house helping your parents or retiring. Not everyone has debt and those who are financially literate and do have student loans and/or mortgages. You are making good money now, but what if you lose your job some day or get sick and don’t work for several months?

SwitchSCEtoAux −  If you make the mistake of taking her back after her lying, consult a bankruptcy attorney. If you aren’t married, you may be able to have her file for BK while she is single and wipe out lot/most of this debt. Wait until your attorney says its okay to marry as those credit agencies might try to attach the forgiven debt to you.

The bad news is that a Bankruptcy affects her for 7 years so your joint credit won’t be great, so you will have to assume everything will be in your name. Basically whatever money she makes won’t be counted for you to buy a house/cars/anything big for that 7 year period.

Besides the lying, the biggest RED FLAG is how did she spend that much money? Shopping and spending is an addiction like anything else and some women (and men) spend money like gambling addicts as it fires off chemicals in their brains (dopamine etc) that the rest of us don’t really get too worked up about.

If you take her back, make her attend therapy for spending addiction and set a hard budget. Give her prepaid debit cards that only have a certain amount on them and reconcile her spending every month. Make sure your credit cards are under lock and key as her addiction might make her steal money and cards from you. I had a friend whose ex-wife did this and stored all of her new items at her parents house in her old bedroom closet. He finally divorced her since she wouldn’t stop spending more than they made…

snarkyjohnny −  This is a major problem. Her debt will affect you as a spouse and she hid it from you. What else might she hide in the future. It’s a definite character flaw.

the_last_basselope −  She lied to you and intended to continue lying to you until she had you legally locked down; she even admitted that was her plan. That debt collector saved you (which is a phrase I never thought I would say). Tell “everyone” if they want to look past it and marry her and take on a s**t ton of debt that is up to them, but they need to keep their opinions about how you should live your life to themselves. Then run far and run fast and block her from your life. She cannot be trusted.

witty_punny_name −  I married someone with 0 financial sense. She couldn’t have a credit card without maxing it out. We would pay it off, and she would max it out again. I helped her file bankruptcy early in our relationship. She is hoping to file again as soon as she is able to, since she is in massive (although not $100k) debt again.

Now that I am single again, I have 0 debt. If I charge something on my credit card, I pay it off immediately. It took me 3 or 4 years to get back to a good place financially. Take it from someone older, and somewhat wiser, do not marry this girl! You may end up in a hole that will take you years to dig out of!

DeonteAppollo −  Don’t let people poison your conscience. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but YOU, she shouldn’t have lied no matter the time period. I won’t tell you what to do but remember everyone else may have their opinions but YOU have to live with the consequences, so make the choice that you’re the most confident in.

HandBananasRevenge −  Do not marry this person. You will spend the marriage digging out from under her debts. She’s clearly terrible at managing money and lied about how bad it was.

sloppyjoesandwich −  I dated a girl and found out after 4 years together she was $75k student debt. Her mom got her like 50 loans from different places and they were all about to ask for money. GF said she was going to go back to school so she wouldn’t have to start paying yet. I knew I wanted a house someday so I suggested she wait a semester to see how she feels after paying loans and consider if she wants to do that for the rest of her life. She told me I was holding her back and dumped me, thank god.

Niteynitenurse −  That much debt from credit cards? She may have a compulsive spending problem. Is she in therapy? I would insist she start therapy before moving back in. She also needs to see a credit counselor about trying to make deals to get some of this debt reduced. If you marry her, that debt and any future debts become your debts.