I (25M) set my sister (31F) straight and took my fiancé’s (24M) side in an argument she caused. She wasn’t like this before, how do I reach her?

A 25-year-old man describes a tense situation with his sister (31F) after she criticized his relationship with his fiancé (24M) during a family gathering. His sister pulled his fiancé aside to say that their “PDA”—which consisted of holding hands and other non-intrusive gestures—was inappropriate around her children.

The sister, who once supported his relationship, has grown more uncomfortable since her older child began asking questions about same-sex relationships. After learning about the incident, the man confronted his sister in a heated phone call, defending his fiancé and demanding she stay out of their relationship. Now, he’s unsure how to repair their bond or understand her change in behavior.

‘ I (25M) set my sister (31F) straight and took my fiancé’s (24M) side in an argument she caused. She wasn’t like this before, how do I reach her?’

We were having lunch on Sunday at my parents’ like usual. We had been there for a couple of hours, had lunch and I was busy getting play attacked by my nephews to notice her pulling him aside. When we all sat down in the living room afterwards, I reached for his hand out of habit and he pulled away.

I thought I did something to p**s him off but he didn’t looked pissed off and just shook his head which is his sign for we’ll talk later. I waited until we got home and asked him about it and he said that my sister had pulled him aside and told him it’s inappropriate for us to PDA in front of her children, that she didn’t need them asking more questions.

I racked my brain for the ‘PDA’ she was talking about and the physical interactions I had with him were us holding hands/me playing with his band mindlessly while chatting with my father and him guiding my hand to a spot below his ear that was itching so I wrapped my arm around him and started running my fingers over it to not outright scratch and irritate it. That’s it.

My fiancé argued back that we have never been inappropriate or not aware of our surroundings and company. She tried convincing him otherwise because she knows going to him was easier than dealing with me because I would rip her a new one if she brought it up again. She was never like this before.

She was the first one I came out to and the first one that supported our relationship up until her kid, she has two 7 and 5, the 7 one asked us a question because his friend has 2 moms and how come we switched? It was completely innocent curiosity and I told him that you sometimes don’t choose love, love chooses you.

I thought it was appropriate without going into the whole women/men thing. He just nodded and went on his way and never batted an eye again, his younger brother doesn’t care either. After that question, she asked me to keep the PDA away from her kids (never made our or even pecked his lips in front of the kids, just on his temple or knuckles.)

This is getting long but after he told me, I called her and gave her an earful. I told her the kids don’t give a single f**k about me holding his hand or giving him a hug in front of them, how is it any different from her interacting with her husband or our mother with our father? She said that it was different because two men is not the social norm.

I told her to f**k off and stay the f**k out of my relationship and to never talk to my fiancé that way ever again. That’s the run down but the call was long. I shouldn’t have been so aggressive with my words but we don’t need this s**t from my own family. I don’t know what’s gotten into her or how to reach her.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

TheOliveKnightette −  Find out what made her start the absolute crazy thing. That’s step one. Step two: Set boundaries based on that, I suppose. (If she’s still doing the crazy thing.)

No-Search-5821 −  My uncles were my only role models of a healthy relationship growing up. I dont think i actually saw them touch each other but they were raised in the 70s 80s soooooo. Be a good role model of a healy loving relationship thats all that matters!!!

Knittingfairy09113 −  Tell her to stop enabling bigotry. Her behavior is hateful BS and she should be ashamed of herself.

MbMinx −  You may not be able to reach her. If she’s been radicalized, the best you can hope for are some firm boundaries, set and enforced by you. She has no right to tell two adults they cannot show affection for each other. You weren’t making out in front of the kids (not appropriate for anyone). You were holding hands (totally appropriate for everyone).

You can apologize for blowing up at her if you like. You can see if she wants to talk about where she picked up this nonsense. Beyond that? Grey rock her. Live your life and refuse to engage. Do not stop being yourselves for her. This is *her* problem, and *she* gets to decide her next steps. And I would definitely tell your parents that your sister must have stuck her head in a wasps nest. You aren’t going to cater to her.

Outside-Ad-1677 −  Your sister is h**ophobic. Period. Social norm?! Kids don’t give a f**k.

MckittenMan −  Its was very rude of her to go through him and not you first. If your sibling takes issue with something, they should be going to the family member, not the spouse.
Anyways, you set her straight, as you should. I don’t think anything can really be done at the moment. You’re going through the heat of it. Maybe give it some time and revisit the conversation when the tension isn’t as high.

ladymorgana01 −  If this is a shift in character and attitude, once you calm down, have a conversation with her about where the change came from. It may not change anything, but more information is usually a good thing since you may at least have more understanding. Definitely don’t back down since you’re not doing anything inappropriate; if she doesn’t like it, that’s not your problem

Business_Loquat5658 −  If she was the type of person who was also uncomfortable with hetero PDA, I would maybe try to moderate my behavior. The fact that she is OK with men and women showing affection, but not men and men, shows who she really is, and is using her kids as an excuse.. What do your parents think?

laceblood −  She doesn’t want her kids to turn out gay /s Thats likely what she’s thinking. Shes probably always been this way but is good at hiding it.

beebobber7 −  She’s self-conscious and jealous because apparently her baby daddy won’t hold her hand or be affectionate. Sorry 🙁