I (22M) have a date with Jane (24F) but i have a ‘thing’ for people like Jane and this it makes it weird. How do I navigate this?

A 22-year-old man is struggling with his feelings about a date with Jane, a woman he works with. He has a fetish for a certain racial group, and while he finds Jane attractive, he is concerned about how his feelings might come across and whether she might think he’s only interested in her because of her race.

He doesn’t want to seem disrespectful or dishonest, but is unsure whether he should disclose his feelings or try to be more open about them. He’s looking for advice on how to navigate this delicate situation.

‘ I (22M) have a date with Jane (24F) but i have a ‘thing’ for people like Jane and this it makes it weird. How do I navigate this?’

I (24M) am I slightly autistic man (I know ranking autism can be problematic, but it’s not something that normally bothers me or affects my day to day). Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve had a fetish for a certain racial group. I don’t know why, but I just remember seeing them and having ‘that’ feeling.

I work at a store that sells a variety of things, including video game merchandise. Nearby, we have a ‘coffee shop’ that we get coffee from a lot. My Manager (35ishF) is a super bubbly lady who seems to make friends with everyone.

She started taking stock (that was getting taken off the floor) over to ‘coffee shop’ and giving it away to the staff there after learning some of them were also pretty nerdy. Mostly stuff like posters and promo materials. In exchange, we’d occasionally get free breakroom snacks from ‘coffee shop’.

About 4 months ago, Manager asked me to run a plushie over to ‘coffee shop’ when I go to pick up our coffee order, making a joke about the plushie being a sacrifice to the caffeine gods. I went over with the plushie, and when I reached the counter I kept the joke going,

saying ‘I was going to sacrifice the plushie in the Nearby volcano but my manager said the caffeine gods had already dibs’ed it’. I guess this was a good joke because it got some laughs, and one of the coffee shop workers responded ‘its just goddesses here today, but we’ll take it.”

I’m not normally good at talking to women, but the causal banter made me really happy. Since then, Manager has sent me over to ‘coffee shop’ a couple of times a week. Normally it’s fine and I’m kind of friends with the women who work there now i think, though I 100% know I have to be respectful and professional and have been every time.

The problem started when I met Jane (25ishF). Jane is one of the nerdier women at ‘coffee shop’ and seems to like talking to me when I go over there. I really like Jane and she’s really easy to talk to.

Jane is part of the group I have a fetish for and I’ve found it hard to be around her because I know women don’t like men who chase them because their race, or guys who date chubby women just cause they’re chubby etc. And I’ve been trying to be professional.

One day, Jane complained about cosplaying a certain character for an upcoming convention because the character was pale and blonde (Jane is very much not). I told her she’d be a gorgeous ‘character’ despite not being lore accurate.

After that day, some of the women at ‘coffee shop’ started asking me about Jane when I came in, and she wasn’t working. I don’t think they were being mean, just laughing. I was really worried I’d said something wrong, so I started trying to do the coffee runs less.

Anyway, last Sunday Jane came into my store and said that her and the other staff were sad because they hadn’t seen me as much recently. I got really nervous having her in the store and told her I was worried my compliment was inappropriate. She said it was the opposite and asked me if I wanted to go get a coffee after work.

I fucked up and said I had plans and she looked sad, so I instead said we could go this weekend instead. Is that OK? I don’t want her to feel like I’m just dating her because of her race, but I also feel like i’m lying to her if I don’t mention it. I know it’s just a date but if it became more would I have to tell her?

Even I know that’s a really intense thing to talk about with someone. I tried really hard not to ‘chase’ her but I was really happy when she asked me for coffee. I talked to my roomate about it and he laughed and told me to post here because it was ‘cute’ but I also want advice.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

MadTownMich −  OP, you like her for many reasons: she likes a lot of the same things you like, she laughed at your jokes, you find her attractive. Stop calling it a “fetish” and start seeing her as a whole person who has expressed interest in hanging out with you. And don’t ever mention some sort of “fetish” to her, FFS.

RickRussellTX −  Aww, you kids are adorable. You didn’t approach Jane because of a fetish. You didn’t harrass Jane or make inappropriate comments. Your interactions with her and the other ladies at the coffee shop were welcome, because they consider you a friend.

She came to your store looking for you, because she wanted to talk to you. You are judged only by your deeds, not your thoughts or desires. Treat her respectfully, as a friend, and if anything happens beyond that, then it’s meant to be.

EDIT: I will tell a slightly related story. I used to have a co-worker who was a huge weeb. Just loved Japanese animation and manga and totally fetishized Japanese women and would say he was going to find a Japanese girl and marry her.

Then he looked in the mirror one day, realized he was kinda pathetic, and he cleaned himself up, started getting decent haircuts and kept his facial hair trimmed, wore dressier and more work-appropriate clothes, and started to engage with Japanese culture in a more healthy way, by going to art shows, plays, and similar events that were more about appreciation of Japanese art and culture, than fandom.

And he met a Japanese girl and they fell in love and she knows he used to be a huge weeaboo but it’s OK because *he never treated her with anything less than respect*.
I have rarely seen a happier married man, and their daughter is a little angel. EDIT 2: I just thought to look him up on FB and he’s still posting photos of his wife and kid, and he’s still going to anime conventions and stuff.

Aussiealterego −  Start with your own mind – call it a “preference” or “attraction “, not a “fetish”. You are not trying to turn Jane into something she is not, you are being your own cute, dorky self, and this sounds like it might turn into a nice friendship/relationship .

A bit of s**ual attraction doesn’t hurt. Just don’t go overboard, and it sounds like you’re pretty self-aware. Just keep in mind that she is a whole person, not a caricature, and enjoy yourself!

ThrowRA-loser12 −  Do you only like her because of her race? If not then it’s safe to say you don’t have to mention your preference.

stoneyboloney20 −  if this whole thing was “i met this beautiful chocolate goddess while getting coffee and fell in love with her sexy ebony curves” etc then yes that would absolutely be problematic but yall seem to have a real connection and you’re trying to be so respectful

AlbatrossCapable3231 −  Genuine shared connection is not a fetish, my friend. Go on this date and treat her right, and I bet this goes really great for you both. Report back!

thatattyguy −  There is a difference between a fetish and a preference. You are more attracted to a certain race, and there’s nothing wrong with that — you didn’t choose to be that way, and anyone who gives you s**t doesn’t know what they are talking about.

I have one piece of advice for you, and in all seriousness, you need to follow it like the word of god — do not bring this up with her. At all. Bury it. There is too much risk of you putting your foot in your mouth. 

sillymanbilly −  Dude, you’re adorable and she thinks so too. I know it’s gonna be hard to do this, but you’ve gotta turn down the over analyzing and apologizing for yourself and just enjoy being with someone who’s into you. She might realize you’re autistic or she might just think you’re quirky but either way, she’s into you so be kind, be yourself, and enjoy the experience!

virogray −  I’m a “marginalized” ethnic group. Finding a certain look more attractive than another isn’t a ferish. Yet, having a fetish isn’t bad until you put it into words. I’d you’re only into her because of her ethnicity, then that’s wrong. liking her for who she is and also being attracted to her because of her ethnicity is not wrong.

You didn’t approach her because of it, you recognize her for who she is not just for what she is. You’re doing good man, just don’t forget there’s a person on the other end of the line. You’d not like it if she had a “fetish” for people on the spectrum, but rather found you attractive, liked the idea of being in your presence and having a conversation with you.