I (21F) found out that the man I’ve been dating (32M) has a wife and I don’t know what to do?

A 21-year-old woman has recently discovered that the man she has been dating is married. Despite his claims that his marriage is over due to abuse, she is conflicted and unsure whether to confront him further or reach out to his wife. Torn between the need for truth and fear for his safety, she’s seeking advice on how to handle this difficult situation.

‘ I (21F) found out that the man I’ve been dating (32M) has a wife and I don’t know what to do?’

So I have been seeing this guy for a bit and it was going well. We talked about all the important things to make sure it was compatible (marriage, kids, etc.). I spent thanksgiving with him because my family had Covid so I couldn’t go home. I went to his apartment and was looking for wine glasses when I found some medications in the cabinet with a women’s name on it. I didn’t catch the last name but I saw the first and that it was a diabetes medication. I also found insulin in the fridge. He (32M) is not a diabetic.

I asked him about it right then and there but he said it was his sisters who visited from Nigeria but no one would leave meds like that behind especially when they came from that far (I’m and EMT so I have a pretty good understanding of this stuff). He made me feel so bad for accusing him of having another women that I let it go that night but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I went home and found her instagram. There are wedding photos and everything on her page.

I confronted him and he said that they hated each other and that it was basically over and that he was just staying for a green card. He also told me that she is *unkind* him (he showed me photos of injuries and a police report) and he said that she makes threats and hides his documents (she hid his green card which he thought he lost before it was found by some relatives who cleaned out the room she hid it in). Because of him saying that I haven’t told her about it yet.

But I’m having second thoughts about not telling her because I saw a photo of her story of the two of them on a trip to New York. He’s not exactly smiling in the photo but like come on… I fear he might be lying to me about all of it including the way she treats him.

I feel like he’s lying to me again about the state of their relationship but I’m scared of making the wrong choice and him getting hurt (like seriously harmed of injured by her not just his feelings) I want to stress that I would’ve never ever have spoken to him if I had known he had a wife. I’m just so scared and confused and I would appreciate any advice because I really don’t know what to do. Please be kind I’m really just trying to make the right decision and it’s so complicated. Please feel free to ask questions and I’ll reply as soon as possible.

Updates: hello everyone! Thank you all for your advice and comments. Some of them made me laugh a little. I did make the decision to tell his wife. I sent her an instagram DM. But before I did that I was gathering evidence to send her and I took a screenshot of his Snapchat profile which apparently sends a notification (probably should’ve assumed it would but I didn’t think about it). I think he already had a feeling that I was going to tell her so he was texting me and calling me to try and convince me not to.

At one point he even threatened to hurt himself saying that he wouldn’t have anything else to live for. I answered the phone call after that and told him that if he was serious I was calling 911 and he took it back real quick so he clearly only said that to try and manipulate me(it’s even more fucked up that he said that cuz he knows that I’ve worked with patients who have died by suicide, like given cpr and watched them pass and comforted their families.

You never forget hearing their TOD or what it’s like seeing their families. It’s gut wrenching). His wife was super nice given everything. I sent her all of the proof and everything. She said that she kinda had a feeling he was cheating but this confirmed it. She said he tried to make me out to be some kind of p**cho b**ch but she def didn’t buy it cuz she deleted all photos of them off of her insta. As soon as she called him out he removed me on snap before I even got the chance.

She told me some information which made it clear that he had been lying to me about a lot of things so really I just got played pretty good. I’m just so grateful that this isn’t my problem anymore and that I can move on. I told the wife that if she needs anything else from me she can always reach out but I’m pretty sure it’s over. All I can say is he deserves whatever he gets. Hopefully he will see how wrong he is and I’ll never have to hear from him or see him again.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

OffKira −  I’d take into consideration that he’s a 32yo who sought out a 21yo to cheat with, he clutched his pearls and made you feel like an a**hole for rightfully thinking he gets with other women (although in this case, you are the other woman ofc), and once you confronted him, he gave you some sad tale which may or may not be true, but look at the entire picture here, man. You need to decide if you can trust the entirety of the man and keep quiet, or if you wanna take the risk of warning an abuser that her husband cheated.

nopedynopenadda −  The age difference alone should tell you that he’s a l**r and manipulator. People who are separated (and honest) mention that they aren’t divorced yet when approaching a new relationship. I would leave the relationship, block him, and really focus on dating people near your age group so you don’t get manipulated by older men. Just saying, a relationship built on lies is NOT built to last.

featherdusterempire −  You say that you would never have spoken to him if you knew he had a wife. He still has a wife — the state of their relationship does not matter; they’re not divorced — so that answers your question about what you should do. You’re 21; you do not need to be involved with a man who may or may not be lying on so many fronts. You also do not need to be responsible for what the outcome of their relationship is.

If his wife has indeed caused bodily hurt and he has a police report, he’s staying with her for immigration purposes and that is not going to be resolved anytime soon. Unless you have the financial means to hire an excellent immigration attorney and get him out of what is allegedly his wife’s sponsored green card, you are not going to resolve the situation.

On the flip side, if his wife does find out about the affair — which this is — she has every right to remove her sponsorship of his green card, which if she is the sole sponsor implies that he might have to leave the country. You are trying to convince yourself that he’s a good man and you’re doing the right thing by “helping him” but he does not need your help. My advice as a 38 yo female: no 32 yo man needs the help of a 21 yo female. He has access to resources if he needs them. Get out and help yourself.

sanguinare12 −  Even assuming he’s separated and everything else was as he said – well, he fucked it. You discovered something and called it out, he lied, and not only lied, but kept up the facade in making you out to be unreasonable for calling him out. Then you discovered more and called it out again. You got more apparent truth this time. How much? You wouldn’t know. There was one chance to be open and honest, instead he turned it around on you. This is what he is. He’s got no issue with g**lighting you, clearly. Whatever the situation with the wife, he’s not someone to stay with.

Logical-Spirit-666 −  hes a 32 year old dating a 21 year old. that right there tells me a lot.

Ruthless_Bunny −  Ghost him and block him. This isn’t a man, it’s a man-shaped pile of red flags.

gurlsncurls −  You’ve been seeing this guy for a little bit, he initially lied to you and said the medication you found was his sister’s. Then you discover it’s not a sister, but some woman he married. Then he comes clean and admits it’s his wife but now paints the wife as a horrible human being. Do you see any pattern here? OP this man is a l**r, do not trust him and get out of this relationship.

OkLocksmith2064 −  what decision???? He is married girl!. You block him and never look back.

Diabloceratops −  You d**p him and tell her. Or just d**p him. But I’m sure she’d want to know.

NYCStoryteller −  He’s definitely lied to you about being married, so now everything he says should be taken with a hefty handful of salt. Personally, I would just break up with him. He’s counting on you to not. Women his age would kick his ass to the curb finding this.