I [20M] am destroying my life and i’m having a hard time changing my behavior

A 20-year-old shares their struggle with self-discipline, lack of direction, and the aftermath of losing a supportive partner. They reflect on their patterns of procrastination and how it’s led to stagnation in their life. Now, they seek advice to rebuild their life and find motivation despite not knowing their ultimate goals. Read their heartfelt journey below.

‘ I [20M] am destroying my life and i’m having a hard time changing my behavior’

I was always bad at school because i didn’t know how to math, and further and further, i was starting to believe i was stupid. So i decided to say f**k it and go into course that were easier, but i also didn’t liked because i had no choice. That was what i believed 3 years ago (2013-2014).

Then i met my ex-girlfried (in 2014-2015), who broke up with me last week, who always helped me and comforted me even tho i felt empty and useless. I got my diploma, and decided to continue because i felt working and studiying would be better than just staying at school. I was wrong. I found a company who wanted me, but i needed my driver license before september 2015 and i needed money, so i worked part time to buy myself lesson.

I never had the motivation to go at my lesson, and began working 50km from home living in my girlfriend house. I felt like a piece of s**t, but that’s not even the worse. At first, i could go to work by myself by taking the bus and walking one hour each day, but then my company decided to make me come at 5 A.M.

My then girlfriend, who stopped going at Uni because she didn’t like what she was doing, was kind enough to drive me to work every morning. That was the worst time of my life, and surely her too, maybe even more. Most of the time, i didn’t go to work because i didn’t wanted her to drove me here.

This trend followed until last summer, when i quit because of the guilt and because i hated that job. It was too late to chose another school, so i ended up doing nothing at home until now, and i did not even got my driver license since all this time.

She gave me an ultimatum last week, by telling me to get my s**t together, by earning my driver license and get back to school doing something i like, but i don’t know what i want to do, and that kills me. I love her and i don’t want to lose her, apart from the driver license thing (i’m going there everyday, thing i didn’t did in 2 years), how can i get motivated if i don’t know what i want to do with my life?

Tldr: I’m lazy and i’m losing everything because of it

Edit: Maybe i should have said it, but i no longer live with my girlfriend, and the “withdrawal” if i can say it like that is making thing a lot more worse, but maybe you all are right, i might have a problem, i’m gonna get some help, thanks a lot everyone

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Spoonbills −  You have to love futureyou enough not to s**ew him over.

___Fay___ −  Others have posted some good suggestions but what jumped out at me most in your post is that you sound depressed. Depression can make you feel like nothing is enjoyable or worth doing.

You might, on top of depression, also have Kakorrahaphobia/Atychiphobia (Fear of failure, look it up and see how much it resonates with you) that is making you scared to even try because you already feel like you’ve failed (I have this and you sound a lot like me).

Do you feel panicky at the thought of trying to get your driver’s license and go back to work/school? Do you immediately tell yourself not to bother because you’ll fail anyway? If so then you likely have this kind of anxiety/p**bia problem but you also sound depressed as well.

The point is, you need to see a professional. It’s gotten to a stage where it’s interfering in your life. That’s the definition of a mental disorder. It’s not your fault, you just need the right help. Start with a psychiatrist so you can get immediate help with the depression and anxiety but also look for a therapist who has experience with your problems.

Just the thought of doing so probably scares you and makes you think, why bother? That’s the anxiety talking, push through it. Write it all down for the doctor if you have to but at least try. One other thing to keep in mind is that the first therapist and/or psychiatrist you see might not be a good fit.

Don’t be discouraged by this, you might have to go through several to find one that you click with. This is totally normal. Don’t throw in the towel if this happens. If you’re ever going to fight for anything, fight to get yourself back. You’re worth it even if you don’t feel like it right now. Good luck!

Brookes19 −  Honestly? I think you need therapy for this. Not knowing what you want to do is completely normal in your age and that feeling doesn’t really go away as you grow older, you just learn how to deal with it. But it looks like you are self sabotaging and you’re messing even with the things you do enjoy. There must be a reason why you’re feeling an overwhelming guilt over something simple and unless you deal with it, you won’t ever be 100% ok.

butwhatsmyname −  All of your feelings about yourself are extremely negative. Positive things aren’t going to start happening for you until that changes. Please go and seek some professional help for your extensive emotional and self-esteem problems.

You aren’t ever going to feel better by constantly making yourself feel worse – that’s literally the opposite of what you need to be able to do. If you want things to be different, you must start doing different things. Do something different. Get some help. Stop being so horrible to yourself all the time.

[Reddit User] −  You don’t have to figure out what you’re going to do for the rest of your life now. It’s okay to be confused and lost, most people feel that way at some point. I’m graduating university in two weeks and I don’t know what I want to do and have no job lined up.

Most people change careers at least a couple times too so you don’t have to figure your whole life out at once. Try to focus on one thing at a time. Having your license will expand the jobs you can potentially get.

Maybe you’ll find something you don’t even know you’re interested in yet. You don’t need to love your work, but you can love that working allows you to open doors. It’s okay to not love your job if it allows you to have a better life style.

This story highlights the internal battle of breaking free from destructive habits and finding purpose. Have you ever felt stuck or unsure about your next step? What strategies helped you rediscover motivation and direction? Share your insights or encouragement!