I [17M] think my uncle/guardian [50sM] is afraid to tell me he’s gay.

A 17-year-old shares a close relationship with his uncle, who has raised him since he lost his parents. Recently, he’s noticed subtle signs suggesting his uncle might be gay and potentially in a long-term relationship with a man named John. Concerned about his uncle’s possible reluctance to share this aspect of his life, the teenager wonders if he should address it directly to offer support. Read his heartfelt story below.

‘ I [17M] think my uncle/guardian [50sM] is afraid to tell me he’s gay.’

My parents died when I was younger so my uncle raised me, mostly on his own. When I was younger he was engaged to a woman but that was about it. Obviously for a long time I didn’t think about it as a kid but when I got older I started thinking he might be gay.
There’s also this guy “John.” I don’t know him that well but like he’s visited us 1-2 times a year over the years even though we live on the opposite coast.

We’ll usually hang out all three of us like at a movie or my uncle will get tickets for something, but he and John will spend time together too. There’s just this weird vibe between them. Sometimes I don’t know why they’re friends because they don’t like laugh or talk about the good old days with each other, my uncle is kind of uptight around him. They just seem to talk alone a lot.

I’ve also noticed that when we see my grandparents my uncle will never be like “oh my friend John is spending the weekend with us.” And this is really embarrassing but John does this thing where he sends out a little email newsletter to my grandparents and older relatives with like pictures and updates, but I’ve noticed John is never mentioned there either.

The other day I had his phone for something and I noticed a ton of messages between him and John, I didn’t see anything but the last few texts but just noticed the conversation was really large. But then he saw me looking and took his phone back and didn’t say anything. I knew he knew I’d seen it so I said something like “Oh it’s cool that you talk, how do you know each other again” and he gave me a vague answer.

And I’ve been thinking about it since that happened and realized I don’t even know that much about John. I think he might have a daughter and he’s like showed me some of his hobbies but I don’t know anything about like his life or how he knows my uncle. And like it’s weird for him to fly 3k miles multiple times per year to visit in-person, right?

Would it be weird to say something to my uncle? I feel bad and even though we live in a liberal area, our family is semi-religious with lots of older relatives. I feel like I want him to know that I support him specifically. Because sometimes people say they’re fine with LGBTQ people but then they don’t really mean it. And I know it’s his choice but it also kind of bugs me that he doesn’t feel like he can share his own life with me, I’m 17 not 7. TL;DR: I think my uncle might be gay. Should I talk to him about it?**

See what others had to share with OP:

liquidmccartney8 −  It seems to me that even if your uncle is gay, which IMO is pretty likely but far from certain, that would only be only one aspect of the true answer to the question of “what’s the deal with your uncle and John?” Don’t take this the wrong way, but my gut feeling is that if he hasn’t explained whatever is going on with the two of them yet, there’s probably some aspect to it that would be hard to understand for someone who hasn’t experienced adult life, and I would urge you not to push him on it.

Having said that, it would probably be a good idea to make a point of being supportive of the LBGTQ community to show that you wouldn’t react negatively if someone in your life came out to you.

pacificgarbagepatch −  As a queer person in a very conservative environment: Do not bring it up. Do not talk to your uncle or John or anyone else about whether or not they are together. If he wants to tell you, he’ll tell you. If you want him to know that you won’t be weird about them being together– which they might or might not be, who knows– then just drop some pro-LGBT stuff here and there. Talk about supporting an LGBT friend, or liking a queer couple on TV, or whatever. But don’t be on the nose about any of it, just keep it on the dl.. Good luck my dude!

helendestroy −  And I know it’s his choice but it also kind of bugs me that he doesn’t feel like he can share his own life with me, I’m 17 not 7. So if he has been raised by religious family, and people can be h**ophobic without being religious – it’s probable that if he is gay he doesn’t want to lose his family over it. Also, if he’s been raising you alone, he’s worried that someone might accuse him of touching you. People love to accuse gay people of being paedophiles.

So please understand that if he is gay, and that’s if, he might feel too much pressure from his whole environment to admit it to anyone, and it’s nothing to do with you personally.

waffleironone −  I’ve read through your replies here, I think you’re a very kind person who cares about your uncle and wants to share life with your uncle and make sure he feels supported. I would drop little LGBTQ positivity around. Maybe watch that show queer eye in the living room, mention a friend of yours coming out as bi and how it makes you so happy he is living his truth, etc.

Also, if you’re like me, my family had a hard time sharing anything about dating and relationships. I had a really hard time talking to my parents about my own love life. I’d try to approach your uncle about this and just talk about your own love life. “Hey uncle I was thinking about asking this girl to the dance. I think she would like a big gesture, I’m thinking of asking her friends to help me surprise her” or like whatever it is.

Involve your uncle as a person you go to for advice or even just as a sounding board for your own problems. This might help break the tension around love and relationships and what you two are comfortable talking about, one day that level of conversation might let him feel comfortable talking to you about that.

GenuineClamhat −  I’m a good bit older and I had a lovely uncle who was gay, but he was from the silent generation. He did the thing where he married a woman as a cover, it didn’t work out, and then had a “roommate” for the rest of his life. I knew he was gay but he never “came out.” He just wasn’t comfortable with it.

You can share your support without having to “out him”. Were I you I might say, “I’m glad you have someone like John in your life. I hope you know that he can visit any time. It’s nice seeing you happy.” This is pretty similar to how I handled my own uncle a few decades ago. You can show your support and your permission without forcing him to have a conversation he may not be comfortable with.

tiredoldmama −  John could be married. If he is, I can see why it would be tense. That would also explain why hey keep it a secret. There really so no way of knowing unless your uncle decides to open up. Maybe tell him you think he’s been a great uncle and you would love him no matter what.

False-Guess −  I really don’t think this is enough to go on, so I would just let it go. If John was your uncle’s partner, it would be weird that he lives so far away and that he wouldn’t find someone closer to home. Regardless whether he is gay or not, he is not obligated to tell you anything and if he’s gay he may have his own reasons for remaining closeted. If your uncle is gay, I would just wait for him to come out to you.

Coming out can be a traumatic experience for LGBT people, so it’s best not to just spring it on them unexpectedly. Part of the trauma is the thoughts that people who’ve known you and claimed to love you your whole life will abandon you when you come out. For me, even though I was fairly sure my parents would be accepting, it was still a traumatic experience because of that.

I would just let it go. If you care about your uncle, just let him know that you care about him. I also would not be one of those people that drop “hints” all the time. My dad, bless his heart, did this a lot. Whether it was a gay couple on TV or some news story about LGBT folks, he’d make little comments and go on about how it was okay and he couldn’t see what the big deal was. It ended up just being really awkward because I wasn’t ready. If your uncle is gay, he should come out on his terms only.

[Reddit User] −  Do you have a close relationship with your uncle? And does he seem lonely? Ifeel like if it were me, I’d say something like “you know, if you ever feel like dating and bringing a girl home, I’d be totally fine with that. Or guy, if that’s your thing. I just don’t want you to feel like you need to put your dating life on hold because of me”. Or something along those lines to fit your situation. Maybe just throwing it out there in a really casual manner might make him think about it all little.

PeriwinklePunk −  Being non straight carried a huge stigma back when he, and his family members, were young. Gay men were assumed to pedophiles. I know several people that were fired for being gay. It was genuinely horrific. I am just old enough to have caught the tail end of that. Let it be. Also good for him stepping up and being pseudo Dad.

bestfakesmile −  You want your uncle to know you love and support him, but you also feel hurt that he’s not including you in his life. I think it would help to separate these out — for the first, do your best (a) to be obviously supportive of lgbt+ people around him and (b) to demonstrate that you love and value him.

For the second, does he include you in other parts of his life or do you feel like there are a lot of barriers between you? If you feel like there are a lot of barriers, it may be that another barrier is a less fraught one to tackle first. If you feel like this is the one big one, maybe trying to ask him more generally about whether he’s interested in dating will help you connect, even if he doesn’t feel ok with sharing this yet.