I (17m) cannot get my parents (45m, 44f) to listen to me regarding my sister’s (6f) educational needs

A 17-year-old college student shared their frustration about their parents’ decision to enroll their younger deaf sister, Ana, in a special needs school that may not align with her potential. Despite being deeply involved in Ana’s upbringing and advocating for better alternatives, the user’s suggestions have been dismissed.

The parents believe Ana has behavioral issues, but the user sees this as a misunderstanding of her natural willfulness and frustration in unsuitable environments. The situation has left the user feeling powerless to ensure Ana receives the best education. Read the full story below for more details.

‘ I (17m) cannot get my parents (45m, 44f) to listen to me regarding my sister’s (6f) educational needs ‘

OKay so I am currently in my second year of college (child genius, got fast tracked through grades) and I have two younger sisters ‘Jess’ (14f) and ‘Ana’. Ana was born fully deaf and is starting elementary school this year. I’m not trying to throw my parents into a negative light.

They do love us, they’ve provided us with every opportunity possible and we have wanted for nothing growing up. Even though my parents were thrown when they found out Ana was deaf (they are musicians by trade and both me and Jess have been involved with music from a young age) they learned ASL along with me and my sister and tried their hardest to adapt.

That said, I have always been closest with Ana as she’s grown up and she’s like my best friend. She’s always come to me if she’s afraid or sick, she looks to me for interpretation or context when we’re out and she’s always been my little shadow. So, out of everyone in our family, I feel I know her the best.

My parents are sending Ana to a private special needs school in the coming year and I…personally disagree with their choice. I looked into the place, took a virtual tour, and from everything I have seen and read it seems to be catered more to students with severe mental disabilities or mobility-impaired.

In fact, I couldn’t see a great deal of detail about the services provided for deaf students at all. I brought this up to my parents but they just brushed me off, saying it was what was best and they’d take care of her. I asked why she can’t go to a mainstream school but they said there were no services for her.

Well, I did a bunch of research. I contacted district superintendents, local council, even schools directly themselves. I even found a deaf school only very slightly out of our boundary who said they were willing to be flexible.

When I brought this to my parents they got annoyed, saying that they knew what was best for their daughter and I should stay out of it and that no school would be able to handle her hearing impairment AND behavioral problems. I was stunned. Ana doesn’t have behavioral problems.

She’s a bit willful, sure, she has a mind of her own and she’s always had a mischievous streak but she’s never acted out of control. She can read and write above average for her age (I know because I read with her) and while she’s a little slow on the math front, I doubt it’s any real cause for concern.

I asked if she had been diagnosed and they cited the times she’s wandered off during trips to the theatre or made noises during the performance. They haven’t seen a doctor or any professional about this. They just saw a deaf child being forced to sit still for hours,

not understanding everything that’s going on around her and acting out of boredom and frustration and decided she’s got behavioral issues. Ana is a bright kid and while the school they’ve picked out looks amazing for kids with disabilities…I just don’t think it would suit her specifically.

But despite all my arguments and despite me spending more time with Ana than either of them combined, they still tell me to shut up and not get involved with their decisions because they’re the adults, which really annoys me because I’ve been forced to act like an adult my whole life but as soon as I want a say on something actually important, they shut me down and potentially take away my sister’s potential to thrive.. ​

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

ReturnOdd7817 −  Maybe bring up the possibility of an evaluation by a pediatric occupational therapist- they’re trained professionals to evaluate a child’s occupational profile and whether she’s ready for school and which type of school would be best for her, taking her resources and barriers into consideration.

And maybe instead of arguing with a “I know this is best” approach, which your parents have obviously already disregarded, try to understand their reasoning for choosing said school, because in your post you haven’t mentioned why they want to send her to a special needs school, only that they want to do it. It may come across differently when they speak to a professional.

leila0 −  It sounds like trying to rationally convince your parents of your position has not worked for you. I think you have two approaches you can take going forward.
First, you could find someone else who your parents will listen to. Could you get someone from the school for disabilities to speak with your parents honestly?

Perhaps a teacher or the parent of another student? A doctor? Alternatively, do you know any other families with a Deaf child, or Deaf families, who could speak to the importance of a specialized education? Second, you could start your conversation with your parents not with an argument, but with a genuine listening ear.

It sounds like they are exhausted and frustrated, and this might be impacting their decisions. Ask them how they’re feeling. Say you just want to understand their decision, you don’t want to fight about it, and then actually try to understand it. This may take a few conversations for them to let their guard down.

But if they seem receptive to hearing your feelings, tell them what you said here: “I feel like I’ve been made to be an adult since I was so young. But now when I want to be part of the adult decision-making in this family, you’re shutting me out, and that makes me feel frustrated and angry.

I also feel defensive of my sister – I want the best possible education for her, where she feels affirmed and supported and can communicate with the people around her. Can you understand those feelings?” When someone is making a bad decision, empathy can go a lot farther than arguments.

This goes for them too – if you just ask them to understand your feelings, they might be more willing to hear you out than if you ask them to admit they were wrong and transfer your sister to the other school. You may also have to play the long game here, ultimately.

If your parents remain steadfast in their choice, you may have to let your sister go to this school for a year. Take note of how her behaviour changes, whether she likes the school, whether she makes friends or has any other Deaf children to play with, and so on.

She can always transfer out, and your parents may be more willing to try the other school if they see that this one has a negative impact on her.

thevilmidnightbomber −  dad to a deaf daughter here. based solely on what you have written, it sounds like the deaf school would be a good compromise. caters specifically to deaf needs while not simply being a “special needs” school.

i know my daughter gets a lot of reassurance and benefit from interacting with both hearing and deaf people. so you should at least try to convince/facilitate that, seperate from any schooling situation.

Greggs_Official −  OP, you’re not her parent, your parents are her parents, and this is their decision. Even for your high intellect and your abilities beyond your years, and I mean this in the kindest possible way, there are lots of things you don’t know. You don’t know **for a fact** this school placement is going to take away your sister’s potential to thrive.

There may be information that your parents aren’t sharing with you. Do you know **for a fact** that your sister doesn’t have additional needs in addition to her deafness? There are lots of rare conditions, and not-so-rare conditions, that take some time to identify and to diagnose.

Her behavioural issues may be way more serious than you realise, and behavioural issues can sometimes be linked to developmental delay, or other conditions like autistic spectrum condition. Your sister may be incredibly happy at this school, once she starts.

It sounds a bit like you’ve already decided that this school will limit what she’s able to do, and that she’s not going to be happy there but again, these are things that **you’ve** decided, not that you know for sure.

The point is there’s a lot here that you don’t know, and whether you like it or not, decisions about your sister’s schooling aren’t yours to make. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you needed to hear this from somebody.

NotAlana −  It sounds like the school will still be able to educate your sister extremely well even without a current deaf program. Having the ability to put into place personalized support for each child sounds like what the school does. That’s important. Because of that, even if there’s a place you’d feel is better, their decision is ok.

You don’t have to agree with your parents and they don’t have to agree with you but since they are the parents their decision will of course trump yours, even if you are extremely close to your sister. Frankly, what’s best for your parents is also a realistic factor in this decision. Your parents have made it very clear they’re not interested in your opinion on this.

Because of how you handled this it will limit your ability to influence them on this subject in the future. At this point the most productive approach might be to see how your sister actually does and then reflect back to your parents any actualized issues that you see.

[Reddit User] −  I am a parent of a child with special needs. I sent my child to a school for kids with special needs because they were equipped to handle a broad spectrum of needs and then my kid was able to transition out of that school and leave special education behind and one of the things they have taken from their past experience is acceptance and understanding of kids with all ranges of ability.

It was good for me too. Maybe give this a chance and see how it goes and how it works for her. She will learn skills specific to her needs and meet other kids like herself and different from her and see that communities include all kinds of people.

We need all people to be included and if your sister transitions out of that school into a regular education public school, she will bring so many tools with her and she will have an advantage going in.

ribbons_undone −  If you can’t convince your parents to give the school for the deaf a shot, maybe ask them to compromise and get Ana involved in some community programs for the deaf. Maybe there are meetups for deaf kids, a camp—anything to get her around other people who are deaf.

It’s actually an incredibly rich culture and I’m sure it would help her to meet other people around her age who are facing the same challenges–and it could have the added bonus of showing your parents that deafness isn’t a mental/behavioral issue, but just a difference, and a difference that our society has come a long way toward accommodating.

automator3000 −  I know you’re coming from this with a good heart. And maybe you’re completely right, that your sister would be better off at a school you’ve chosen.
However, you went in expecting not to approve of the school they’ve chosen and expecting to find something better, so everything you paid attention to supported that expectation.

Add then that you’re still a kid yourself and your sister is your parent’s responsibility, not yours.

Voiceisaweapon −  Does anyone else remember this post from like months ago???