How to deal with friends that never put in caring effort?

A Reddit user shares their frustration with their two best friends and roommates who, despite being good people, don’t seem to put in much effort when it comes to caring for them or maintaining the friendship.

From avoiding deep conversations about family struggles to neglecting their share of chores, the user feels emotionally unsupported and unappreciated. Read the full story below to understand their situation and seek advice on how to navigate such relationships.

‘ How to deal with friends that never put in caring effort?’

My two best friends and roommates of several years(all 21 in college, all nonbinary) are good, kind people, but I do not feel like they’re particularly good friends. They don’t ask me about my day, or how I feel, like ever. I haven’t talked to my mom in about a year and my dad in several.

Just last night, the day before they left to go home for Christmas, one of them asked if I was going anywhere for the holidays. I was a little offended by this— I literally haven’t mentioned my mom in like six months and they both know I’ve had falling outs with her before.

If they actually cared, I felt they would have asked more than the night before when we’re drunk. My other roommate just left for their dad’s and is going to end up spending Christmas at their mom’s.

Last year their mom was kind enough to give me a place to go for Christmas (and in the past she let me stay a month in the summer, and I spent this recent thanksgiving with them where I got to put up the stocking they got me from last year). Their mom has said multiple times that I’m always welcome.

I felt uncomfortable inviting myself for the holiday, so I was just hoping my roommate would offer at some point if they were fine with it. My roommate extended an invitation over text right after they left for their dad’s. Don’t get me wrong, I am greatly appreciative that I have somewhere to go and a family that loves me!

My issue is that I feel like all this kindness is their mother’s. She is the one nice enough to let me stay over, and to house and feed me. The kindness that my roommate could offer was an invitation, and they waited until the week before to talk about it,

and didn’t even mention the circumstances surrounding it (the fact that I’m not talking to my own mom). They also know I have anxiety about last-minute travelling. It hurts my feelings to be thought of so little by my friends.

I know it’s partially my own fault that I never talk about it, but my friend’s reactions to me talking about serious stuff from my past can be cold and unsympathetic to a point where it hurts my feelings to open up about stuff that still affects me.

I ask them about their families all the time, and I engage in deep conversation about childhood and parental issues in general. I do not get that same treatment offered back. I used to have friends that were more active participants, and I miss that kind of love a lot.

Another thing that heightens my frustration is that they both hardly ever do chores, which shows to me that they either don’t care about the cleanliness of the apartment or they just expect me to do most of the work and be fine with it. One of my roommates leaves pubic hair on the seat. Every. Day.

We’ve talked about it multiple times (they either get incredibly embarrassed or dismissive+upset that I’ve brought it up again), and we even agreed to put up a sticky note that says “Please wipe seat.” The sign has decreased the volume of hair left, but there is still hair every day.

I just feel like my friends are not willing to put in ANY effort to care about me or what I want. **TL;DR: How do you deal with friends that don’t put in any effort? What about friends that intentionally avoid hard conversations, whether about chores or family problems?**

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Sunniskys −  They sound like pretty typical 21 year olds who are focused on their own dynamics, plan organization, and lives. I can understand how their behavior would feel hurtful when you are feeling the loneliness of being estranged from family during the holidays.

Keep in mind it also wasn’t their invitation to give out as someone else would be hosting, which is already exhausting physically and mentally with just family.

If you really wanted to go you could have said “I totally understand if it’s not possible but I’m feeling pretty lonely for the holidays and was wondering if one of your family’s could have me over even if just for a dinner”.

You also mention that you engage in conversations about parental issues and childhoods.. a lot of people don’t have the emotional bandwidth to hear about trauma. I would highly suggest a therapist who you can talk to at length about these issues.

Also the pubes on the seat is super annoying but I guess one of the hazards of having young roommates lol. You won’t have roommates forever so enjoy the good parts and try to give them and yourself a little grace.

2zoots −  So an ideal friend for you would be someone who asks about your day, ask how you feel, know when to ask the right questions and when not to, invite you over to see their families, know how to help your anxiety, etc. I think you have some unrealistic expectations here.

decaturbob −  – easy, you make better friends

Do you think it’s fair to expect more effort from friends, especially when they are aware of personal struggles or family issues? How would you approach a situation where your friends don’t seem to care about your emotional needs or contribute fairly to shared responsibilities? Share your thoughts below!