How to balance my (38M) girlfriend’s (32F) boundaries with visiting my daughter (6)?

A 38-year-old father is grappling with the challenge of balancing his girlfriend’s boundaries while visiting his 6-year-old daughter, who lives abroad with her mother. The father’s girlfriend (32F) has set strict ground rules to avoid “playing family” with his ex, such as limiting time spent at the mother’s house and not accepting financial help from her.

However, the father’s financial struggles and lack of a child-friendly environment for visits have left him torn. His daughter wishes for more quality time at her home, but he’s trying to respect his girlfriend’s boundaries. Now, he faces criticism from his ex, sadness from his daughter, and dissatisfaction from his girlfriend. To understand the complexity of his situation, read the full story below…

‘ How to balance my (38M) girlfriend’s (32F) boundaries with visiting my daughter (6)?’

I (38M) have a 6-year-old daughter with a former fling. My relationship with the mom (40F) is civil but distant. They live in Africa, and I visit around twice a year. Every time I visit my daughter it throws my relationship with my girlfriend (32F) into crisis, she thinks I don’t have boundaries, and I argue that she is too uncompromising.

The main ground rules she has set are no ‘playing family’ when I visit, spending minimum time in the house of my ex house and not taking money or favours from my ex. For context, my ex is a very wealthy expat, whereas I lost my job 6 months ago, and have been living off savings.

My daughter wants me to play at her mom’s house because that’s where her toys and books are. Previously, I’ve rented a nice Airbn and brought her toys there, but this year, due to financial constraints, I’m staying in a rundown studio next to a slum, unsuitable for kids. My ex offered to pay for a child-friendly Airbnb,

but I refused, sticking to the rule of not taking her money. This year, my exe’s family are also visiting for the holidays, and they are doing things like having meals together and sightseeing. My daughter wants me to join, but I’m having to say no because this would break the rule of ”playing family”.

Due to this, I’ve travelled halfway across the world, but I’m spending a lot of time alone in an Airbnb, and occasionally taking my daughter to the mall and other public spaces. She is begging me to come play in her house, but I have to say no so I don’t break boundaries. My ex is angry at me for refusing to spend time with my daughter,

my daughter is sad, and my girlfriend is also mad at me, because I’ve spent a few hours at my daughter’s house to play with her. I’m at a loss for what to do, I don’t know anyone who co-parents with a child in another country, and don’t really know what is considered socially acceptable in these situations.

My girlfriend thinks I’m messing up my child by coming into her private space to play family or doing anything with the mother or her family, and that I should have 100% seperation between myself and them.

This would be ideal, but as I only visit a couple of times a year as a tourist I also don’t feel like it’s possible for me to create a real space for me and my daughter in a hotel or Airbnb, and that spending some time in her playroom is reasonable.

Check out how the community responded:

Stunning-Profit8876 −  D**p your girlfriend. She has no right to be telling you how father your daughter because she can’t manage her jealously.

CharsOwnRX-78-2 −  Boss, the odds are only *one* of these people are going to be in your life forever Are you really going to miss out on spending time playing with your daughter because “my girlfriend said no…”? Your daughter will only be 6 once. Do not deny her your time.

Square-Minimum-6042 −  Your GF should not get a vote in this situation. You are letting your little girl down because of this woman’s insecurities. Be a better father.

SirTeaBaggins −  Drop the girlfriend. Your daughter is more important than this. Spend time with her, you only get to see her a few times a year. Every second she will remember playing with you when she’s older. Instead she will wonder why you were distant.. STB exGirlfriend can pound sand.

FairyCompetent −  Your duty is to your child, not another adult. When your child is older, you can “balance” their needs, but right now the person you made takes precedence over the person you chose. Your child is already getting only scraps of a father, and you’re withholding even those for the sake of someone who should be more mature and understanding. 

Vallhalla_Rising −  Your girlfriend cannot interfere with your already tricky relationship with your daughter.. It’s non-negotiable.

dart1126 −  TLDR. You only get to see your kid a couple times a year and your girlfriend is dictating how much you can actually see her. Full stop. Why are you putting up with this? You are being a worse father because you are listening to her. Be better. If that blows your girlfriends mind so be it. Your girlfriend doesn’t get to set your boundaries.

She may have her own, and if she can’t tolerate it, she can leave. Go to the house. Be normal. This is normal. You are not being normal. Your girlfriend would rather YOU be in a crappy place that costs less than stay at the ex’s or a place ex buys so your kid can go there sometimes. Further lessening how much you see her when you’ve travelled to BE there to SEE her.

Do you realize how totally fucked up that all is? You should be telling your girlfriend to get f**king LOST. How can you stand to be in the same room with her? She’s vile. How can that be attractive to you in ANY aspect of a persons being? Move into ex’s place today for the duration of your trip. Tell your girlfriend to leave, move out etc by the time you get home if she doesn’t like it

jaybull222 −  You are at a loss at what to do? Seriously? You don’t deserve a daughter you don’t prioritize and spending time with her where she is comfortable with her family isn’t playing family, SHE IS YOUR FAMILY and your GF is toxic.

Good lord, man, your daughter will never have an adult relationship with you until you grow a spine and do what is BEST FOR YOUR DAUGHTER who doesn’t understand why you don’t want to spend time with her. What she understand is you don’t love or like her enough to show up for her.

That’s what she will unpack in therapy when as an adult she goes no-contact with you for never protecting her against your GF’s unreasonable demands. You are scarring your daughter for life for some insecure woman who wants to makes sure you do what she says to hurt your daughter as much as possible. People like you don’t deserve children.

chicagogal85 −  Whatever your daughter needs is the right thing to do. Your girlfriend’s rules are interfering with you bonding with your daughter; girlfriend is going to have to deal with her feelings like a grownup.

lecorbeauamelasse −  Stop putting your girlfriend above your daughter.