How do you navigate living with someone who has a different standard of what a “clean” house is
A 33-year-old woman is navigating conflicting cleanliness standards with her partner of 4.5 years, with whom she’s lived for 1.5 years. Growing up with an overly strict mother regarding cleanliness, she now strives for a more balanced approach, especially with two kids (10, 13) and another baby on the way.
While she manages most of the cooking, dishes, laundry, and kid-related tasks, her partner often comments that he’s “settling” for a house that doesn’t meet his standards, despite her efforts. He does some chores but primarily relaxes after work, leaving her feeling hurt and overwhelmed as she juggles work,
parenting, pregnancy, and household responsibilities. Seeking advice, she wonders how others manage differing cleanliness standards with partners or roommates. read the original story below…
‘ How do you navigate living with someone who has a different standard of what a “clean” house is ‘
Context: I (F33) grew up with a mother who would yell if you left a half finished glass of water on the kitchen table to come back to. She was OCD about cleanliness (still is) and the house felt almost sterile. This made me despise living like that.
Been with my SO (M31) over 4.5 years and for the first 2+ years of us dating he worked out of town during the week and only slept at his place Fri-Sun. He can’t cook so he’d only eat out while he was home and never used his kitchen.
He’d watch tv and shower but those were really the only areas of his house he’d use so his house was basically not lived in. We’ve lived together 1.5 years and before I moved in renovated the basement to finish off 3/4 of it with two bedrooms and a living area bc I have two kids (13, 10).
The house isn’t big by any means, and when I moved in, I had to throw/get rid of a lot of my things. The rest I put in the back bedroom that wasn’t being used and then bought some shelving to put the rest in the basement.
I added a few things to the kitchen but all his stuff (he has quite a bit) stayed exactly where it was in his bedroom and living room upstairs. I’ll admit, things are a teensy cluttered but it’s truly not that bad.
Now to the issue at hand, we both work full time, some weeks he works more hours than me and some I work more than him. I do all the cooking, dish washing, kitchen clean up and laundry. We trade off on who vacuums and does the bathroom.
He also does yard work when needed and will shovel when we get snow. Generally speaking, he comes home and sits on the couch to play video games. I come home and obvs have to tend to my kids and then prepare a meal (I don’t like eating out much and prefer to make food at home 7 days a week).
I save most chores for the weekends but do load the dishwasher a few times a week (pots and pans have to be washed by hand). He’s made comments about how he’s “settling” bc the house upkeep isn’t to his standards.
I feel this is an exaggeration as the house is *lived in*, we’re here all week long as he he’s been working in town during the week for the last 2.5 years, but not dirty. And him saying he’s settling honestly hurts my feelings bc i’m a very generous partner and if my cleaning standards don’t exactly match up to his that seems very minuscule in the grand scheme of things.
He brings this up at least once every month or two. And I honestly, don’t know what to say at this point. Yes, there is dust that accumulates in between dusting. Yes, the floor gets sand, dust, etc on it in between vacuuming days.
Yes, the bathroom gets dirty in between cleanings bc there are four people using it. These things all seem really normal. Not everything is perfectly spic and span during the week. And the kids’s rooms do get a little messy with their belongings and such but if they’re told to clean up they do.
He thinks they shouldn’t have to be told and should just automatically do it. He also thinks he shouldn’t have to bring up that he feels the house needs tidying and it should just be done. I’m also 7.5 months pregnant and really flippin’ tired. I hate to use that as an excuse but I’m doing my best.
So my question is for people with roommates or partners who have a different idea of what a “clean” or “livable” house is, **how do you handle when you or the other person can’t see eye to eye on what a messy house means or how often cleaning should be done, etc**?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
lyta_hall − Tell him to F**KING CLEAN. You are almost 8 months pregnant, Jesus f**king Christ!!! What’s going to happen when the baby is born? I feel for you both.
OhMyMuffy − If it needs more cleaning, he should be the one doing it! Why on earth are you alternating bathroom cleanup and vacuuming with him when you do all cooking, kitchen cleanup and laundry? Also your children are old enough for chores other than keeping their own rooms clean.
What’s this a**hole going to do when you have a newborn that takes all your time? More complaining about how much worse off he is with you than before? F**k that boy.
Vyseria − Why doesn’t he clean? Am I missing something here?
MistressVelmaDarling − I do all the cooking, dish washing, kitchen clean up and laundry. We trade off on who vacuums and does the bathroom. He also does yard work when needed and will shovel when we get snow. Generally speaking, he comes home and sits on the couch to play video games.
He’s made comments about how he’s “settling” bc the house upkeep isn’t to his standards. He also thinks he shouldn’t have to bring up that he feels the house needs tidying and it should just be done.
I’d have a very upfront and open conversation about acceptable living standards and the work load you both are doing, because these statements here make it clear he thinks keeping house is your job despite you both working out of the house similar amounts.
I’m sorry you got pregnant with this man before realizing his double standards. This will only get worse with a baby unfortunately. If he has higher standards, he should be putting in more work to keep the house the way he wants. Everything you’ve laid out here is very normal for a household full of people.
jortfeasor − I say this as the tidier/more stringent about cleaning person in my relationship: If he wants things cleaner, why the f**k doesn’t HE do it? And it isn’t that he can’t cook, it’s that he has never cared to learn how to cook.
I’m betting he expects cooking and cleaning to fall on the woman regardless of her other responsibilities and contributions, not to mention being very pregnant!
Moal − With you being 7.5 months pregnant, *he* should be getting off his ass and cleaning the house!! Hell, during the entirety of my pregnancy, my husband insisted on doing all of the cleaning that involved chemicals because he didn’t want me inhaling stuff that could be bad for the baby.
That’s what your husband *should* be doing if he even gave a damn about you or the baby. The audacity of this man, to sit on his ass and game all night, to then complain that you aren’t wearing yourself to the bone enough for him.
ALL WHILE IN YOUR THIRD TRIMESTER. And to tell you that he’s *settling?!* Girl. We all know who’s settling, and it ain’t the guy who “can’t cook” (AKA, refuses to learn how to cook).
gingerlorax − You didn’t really move in together, you very clearly moved into the downstairs only and yet are responsible for cleaning the entire house? Also, he’s 31 and can’t cook, and spends all his time playing video games rather than contributing to the chores? What about this man appeals to you?
Goodlake − Tell him to pick up a broom. I’m the breadwinner in our house and I help with the chores. If the home isn’t up to his standards, then he can take twenty minutes out of his video gaming and help maintain it.
StatusChocolate6535 − I stopped at “He’s 31 years old and can’t cook”. No… he definitely CAN cook. He just chose not to learn how to, which is kind of pathetic from a grown man.
Have you faced similar challenges with a partner or roommate? How did you find a middle ground to balance expectations while keeping the peace? Share your advice below!