How do I tell my best friend (both F20s) that I want to stop exchanging Christmas presents?

A Reddit user in her twenties seeks advice on how to delicately tell her best friend that she wants to stop exchanging Christmas presents. Her friend, a thoughtful and exceptional gift-giver, pours immense effort into meaningful gifts, which has left the user feeling stressed and inadequate in reciprocating. The user hopes to suggest focusing on birthdays instead and spending quality time for other occasions. How should she navigate this sensitive conversation? Read her story below to learn more.

‘ How do I tell my best friend (both F20s) that I want to stop exchanging Christmas presents?’

TL;DR at end. My best friend is a really great gift-giver. I know that she plans gifts really far in advance and always dedicates so much time & thought into them, and I am so grateful for every gift I have ever received because I know how special they are. She’ll often take something small I said from years back and make a really meaningful thing out it, and I know she enjoys gift giving and it is clearly one of primary ways she communicates her love for me and others.

I just can’t keep up. I’ve never been a really good gift-giver. I often really struggle with forming ideas for upcoming celebrations, and until I’m really under the pump, I come up empty handed until I find something just alright or I repeat a similar schtick of “reasons why I value you” presents.

This just means that I feel so much stress every time I have to celebrate her birthday & Christmas, especially because I would have received something completely out of this world. I really just feel like my gifts pale in comparison. It’s getting to this stage where we’ve been exchanging presents for 8 years and I’m honestly just starting to feel like I’m running out of steam to keep up and continue thinking of other ideas.

It is also hard because I’m neither here nor there when it comes to receiving gifts. I can recognise the hard work and love, but I don’t *need* to receive gifts to know that I’m loved, and so I worry that I don’t reciprocate my love well enough because my presents never feel at her level.

I want to express to her my gratitude for her gifts but ask that we just stick to one a year, on birthdays, because Christmas and the occasional Valentines’ Day is too much for me. I have been able to move away from gift-giving with other friends by just casually mentioning it or just mutually ceasing present exchanges, and we now opt for spending time with each other – something I love.

I just don’t know if this would be really insensitive or soul-crushing because it’s not about her or how good of a friend she is, but really about my insecurity and my differing ways of communicating love. I know I’ve got to have the conversation, but does anyone have any tips or advice for how I could communicate this in a tactful and non-hurtful way?

TL;DR: my best friend is a great gift-giver and expresses her love through that, but I don’t and so I feel my gifts are incomparable. I want to only exchange presents once a year and opt to spend time with her for other celebrations but don’t know how to deliver this in a sensitive and thoughtful way.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Khayeth −  “Hey, guys, this year has been unusually rough on everybody’s mental health, including mine. I want to suggest that instead of physical gifts this year we do something special together to celebrate our friendship, like ice skating/spa day/wine tasting/etc [suggest the activity you most would like to do but have a backup just in case]. I can start doing the research now and we can try to plan it for early December?”

GGSmall −  Personally I sound like you’re friend – I LOVE giving people gifts and it brings me so much joy than actually receiving a gift (not to say I don’t appreciate presents because I do very much no matter how “pale” they seem in comparison)

Giving a gift means more to me than just spending money on someone I love and if my friends felt they couldn’t “keep up” I would want them to talk to me about it but please keep in mind that she may enjoy the act of gift giving and not be bothered by the kinds of gifts you get her as at the end of the day, you have thought about her! It makes me happy just to know someone has thought about me rather than what the gift actually is.

I honestly wouldn’t think too hard into it about not getting her gifts of the same level as we are all different! She probably loves you just for thinking about her and getting her something! It would definitely upset me if my friends didn’t want to accept anything from me in terms of gifts as it really is the way I process my affection and love for people. Hope it works out for you but communication is key with keeping a good friendship alive! X

hisshissgrr −  This is literally the plot of a Parks and Rec episode. Leslie is super thoughtful and over the top and Ben and Ann can’t keep up. Season 5 episode 19. Watch it for some good ideas on how to navigate your situation!

glow89 −  I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of love languages, but giving/receiving gifts is a love language.Like you said, it’s the way your friend communicates her love for others and it’s very likely that receiving thoughtful gifts from others is meaningful to her. I am definitely one of those people like your friend. I think you should be careful to explain how you feel really to your friend, because if you don’t it could really hurt her feelings. I’m not blaming you in any way because I understand that gift giving just isn’t your thing.

But for people with this love language a disinterest in gifts and low effort gifts can be interpreted as a lack of love/interest itself. Like I said, please explain how you feel to her carefully and in depth, and acknowledge that you are grateful for her gifts. Like someone else mentioned, maybe suggesting spending quality time together as an alternative is a good idea to emphasize that you still love and value her. If she insists on still giving you gifts without getting one in return, please consider letting her do that.

As someone with this love language, it took a while for me to accept that giving gifts isn’t the way everyone expresses love, and I had to accept that low effort gifts from friends didn’t mean they didn’t love me because they show they love me in other ways. Giving them gifts they love brings me so much happiness anyway. Hopefully after you discuss this with your friend she’ll understand too!

SandwichOtter −  I would not feel obligated to give something in return. Or you could even stick to something very easy like a gift certificate to a place she loves. Unless she has said something about your gifts not being up to scratch (doesn’t sound like she has) I don’t think she’s looking for you to live up to her level of giving. People who put a lot of thoughts into gifts like the giving. I have several friends I gift to who don’t give in return and it has never occurred to me to be bothered by it because I don’t consider that the point of gift-giving.

I would just talk to her about it. Be honest that you feel your gift-giving is inadequate compared to hers and you love and appreciate how much effort she puts in, but that gift-giving is not your thing. She will probably tell you that she loves giving gifts and you equally reciprocating is not important to her.

One thing I want to mention. I don’t think you’re an a**hole for feeling this way, but in a sort of backwards way, if this is what she’s good at and how she shows affection, it’s a little selfish to ask her to stop because you feel you can’t reciprocate. Everyone shows love differently. Of course, if her gifts make you uncomfortable, of course you can ask her to stop. But if you’re just stressed because you can’t give in the same way, let her keep doing it and work on taking the pressure off yourself.

LunarHare82 −  I love giving gifts, and I really love making people gifts. It makes me happy. I do not require the same effort in return at all. Unless she has expressed disappointment over your gifts in the past, I wouldn’t stress out so much about matching her gifting energy. If you are truly worried, just ask her how she feels, or better yet, just ask what she might want or need and go from there when choosing a gift; not everyone needs 100% surprises.

My SIL just started college and we wanted to give her something special. She decided to buy something for her dorm room, and asked us to reimburse her for it. It might not be the wY I generally go about things, but it was what she wanted.

peanutjamming −  She sounds like a lovely friend! I too have trouble accepting gifts. I feel awkward receiving them, it often feels like someone is trying to buy my affection, and I hate showing affection by buying something. I’ve talked a lot about this with my therapist and the conclusions that I came to are:

1) That I need to allow people (that I want in my bubble of course) to show love for me and that I am worthy of this affection even if it feels like I don’t deserve it or I don’t reciprocate in some way.
2) Be open and honest when you are uncomfortable, like if I am feeling awkward and I’m not grateful enough simply saying “I really love what you got me, I’m just super awkward about gifts! I truly love it though” or if you don’t understand or appreciate why they got that particular thing, say “oh wow! What’s the story behind you gifting me this?”

3) Meet your loved ones half way. Maybe ask her what she values and if she doesn’t value gifts the same way she loves giving them, get her a cooking class or tickets to a show or even a gift card with a note. Relationships (even friendships) require give and take. It just depends on how much give and take that each party is comfortable with.
I hope this helps! I am still working on this myself.

4catsinacoat −  As a person who LOVES to give gifts and makes/buys things in advance: I promise it brings ME joy to give you a gift and to see you to give it to you. I don’t even really want anything in return. I know that can make people feel guilty but that’s how I feel!

icameasathrowaway −  is your best friend Leslie Knope because this is literally the plot of an episode of Parks and Recreation.

Philosopher_1 −  I think you should talk to your friend about how hard it is for you to keep up with her and give her the kind of gifts she gets for you. However I also think that your friend may enjoy coming up with those gifts because she enjoys it and if you said “I can’t keep up” it’s possible she still may want to keep doing something for you or is fine with you getting her something small. I think talking with her would be the best way forward to start with.