How do I tell my (27f) husband (27m) that he is not “more of a mom” than me?

A Redditor shared her frustration with her husband’s comments about being “more of a mom” than her after taking on more childcare responsibilities due to her return to work.

Balancing work and parenting, she seeks advice on how to address his perception and help him understand parenting as a shared role. Read the original story below for the full context.

‘ How do I tell my (27f) husband (27m) that he is not “more of a mom” than me?’

Husband claims to be “more of a mom”. Me (27F) and my spouse (27M) have 2 kids, both boys, 1 and 2.5. I just barely returned to work 6 weeks ago after being laid off and unemployed for 10 months. I work M-F, 9-5. He works Monday, Tuesday, Friday-Sunday, and then Wednesday Thursday the following week, and it just alternates.

He works 6am-6:30pm. On the days we both work, kids are at a babysitters, I drop off and pick up. On the days I work and he doesn’t, he is home with them, and vice-versa for me. This morning, my husband said to me “I now watch the kids more than you. I’m more of a mom than you are.”

I was shocked that he said that. In the 10 months I was a SAHM and not working, I never once threw in his face that I was the primary caretaker or that I was any better than him. But he has this huge issue with being a parent alone. It’s very very frustrating.

Whenever he is alone with the kids, he says he’s “Mom for the day”, as if him watching his OWN KIDS is not just being a father or a parent. But he sees it as he is being a “mom”, a better one at that according to him, when he doesn’t have me to help do it with him.

I don’t know what to say to him or how to explain that he’s not “being mom” he’s being a parent without him freaking out on me. He can’t afford to keep me at home so I had to get a job, and I never throw it in his face that “he doesn’t make enough so i have to work and he has to also parent”.

I’m rambling but i’m frustrated as hell. Any advice?? How can I kindly tell him he’s just being a parent and not doing “mom” things? We both are responsible to take care of them and provide for them. Just because he now does it more often than me, doesn’t make him “more of a mom”.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

bdayqueen −  I’d tell him that it’s tragic that he views taking care of the children as a “MOM” thing when you always thought it was a “mom AND dad” thing.

pineboxwaiting −  Maybe just say, “That must mean I’m more of a dad than you are! What’s for supper?”

HezzeroftheWezzer −  “So what were you before? Less of a father?”

Aggressive_Cup8452 −  You said it already: ” He can’t afford to keep me at home so I had to get a job, and I never throw it in his face that “he doesn’t make enough so i have to work and he has to also parent”.” Stop considering his feelings. He’s not considering yours.  You can mince words or be harsh about it. It’s stops real quick.

gcot802 −  The petty part of me wants you to say “guess I’m the man of the house now!” And request be open a beer for you while you watch TV. Or “is this your way of coming out to me?” The healthier part says you need to have a sit down conversation “[husband] you and I became parents at the same time.

I was not born knowing how to be a parent, just like you weren’t. I know that our new arrangement is different than our previous arrangement, but it concerns me that you seem to think that caring for and raising our children is my job, or a woman’s job, more than it is our shared responsibility as a team.

We both work to provide for our family, and when we are alone with the kids we both step up to be parents. When you are alone with them, you aren’t on “mom duty,” you are being their father. It really hurts me to hear you act like I am a failure as a parent because I have to work, or that our children are somehow not your responsibility too.”

HotFox4151 −  How is he looking after them more? You are both working 5 days out of 7. You have the weekends off and he has two weekdays off.

sprknsprnkl −  When men think being a dad doesn’t mean equally responsible for the kids. 🥲 He’s literally being a DAD and claiming your “mom” role to be petty. Me thinks someone’s salty about being required to actually parent.

Ok_Nothing_9733 −  Imagine a man thinking that doing 51%+ of the parenting work is remarkable or notable in any way given the historical context… it would be laughable if not so infuriating.

Pot-of_Gold −  Since he’s going to use the word mom instead of parenting, I’d say: “Thanks for admitting that I do more than you most of the time and parenting isn’t shared equally. I’m just a bit confused, since you admit this, why can’t you appreciate what I do instead of trying to pretend you’re not also a parent who might have to do more occasionally?”

ravenlit −  I would just give him an incredulous look and say “um no, you’re a parent just like me” or “well does that make me the dad then?” And then absolutely nothing else. Don’t engage with that nonsense.

Go right on about your day and don’t give him credit for doing more than his fair share. Because that’s what he’s doing, his fair share as a parent. And don’t explain yourself. He’s a big boy he can figure it out himself.

Do you think the husband’s comments reflect a misunderstanding of shared parenting roles, or is there a deeper communication gap at play? How would you address such perceptions in your relationship? Share your thoughts below!