How do I start a relationship with my nieces and nephew when their father was responsible for my brother’s passing.

A man grapples with the idea of building a relationship with his estranged brother’s children, despite the immense pain their father caused by contributing to the tragic loss of their youngest brother. Struggling with the weight of past trauma and the desire to connect with his nieces and nephew, he seeks advice on navigating this complex situation while keeping the source of his pain—his older brother—out of his life. Read his story below.

‘ How do I start a relationship with my nieces and nephew when their father was responsible for my brother’s passing.’

One of my employees mentioned that this may be a good place to get some advice for my current dilemma. I (46M) am one of 4 kids. My older brother P (48M I think) who I no longer have any contact with, my younger brother J who is no longer with us, and my youngest sister K (44F). Recently P’s children (2 girls and 1 boy, all in their late teens and early 20s) reached out to me and expressed a desire to have a relationship. I have zero contact with their father and swore that I would beat him black and blue if I ever saw him again.. A little back ground:

My oldest brother P was always the golden child. No matter what he did, my parents always had an excuse for why it was not his fault. Bad grade? Teacher had it out for him. Cheating on every single one of his relationships? “Good thing you did it to her before she did it to you” (That one was my personal favorite). He also used to torment J and I constantly when we were smaller than him, until in high school, when I hit a growth spurt and sprung up to about 6’4 and 230lbs worth of muscle.

After that I became the typical jock type. Played football, partied, bunch of friends, etc. Well, my younger brother, J, didn’t get as lucky and stayed pretty small and scrawny throughout high school and college only getting up to about 5’8 and didn’t have a super active social life. Despite the difference in our schooling experience I was always very protective of J, especially since we were always having to put up with P’s b**lshit.

Which stopped once he realized I could pound him into the ground and not break a sweat, as he was also a lot smaller than me at only 5’10. Not much to say about K. She was a great younger sister and P didn’t dare mess with her or he would incur the wrath of our mother.

So, in the late 90s, J met his first real girlfriend, A and was over the moon about her. He spent every spare moment with her, and when he wasn’t with her, he would do nothing but gush about her. I had never seen him so happy. Well, one day, he comes to us, all smiles, and announces that A is pregnant and they are expecting. The mood quickly turned however when a week later it came out that A had been cheating on J for the duration of their relationship with our older brother P.

This broke my brother, and of course P, being the golden s**t that he is, didn’t even get a disappointed glance from our parents. To this day I have never seen someone look so broken as J had looked the last time I saw him. I believe his heart ache was only compounded by the fact that my parents basically told him to get over it and be happy for our brother. Well about a week after this revelation came to light, J took his own l**e. I had never been so sad and angry at the same time in my entire life. Sad that I would never see my brother again, and the pure rage of knowing that this was my brother and parents’ fault.

During the funeral, P walked in with A and I saw red. Thankfully I had other family there to stop me from doing anything stupid, but I told P that if I ever saw him again, I would kill him. Shortly after that, I cut contact with 90% of my family, with the exception of K and a cousin I had always been close with, because everyone except them wanted to make excuses for my parents and P.

Fast forward to present, I never had any kids and truth be told, I never wanted any. I much prefer the role of the fun uncle. K met a great guy and had 2 daughters, who I absolutely adore. P had two more kids with A before cheating on her (shocker…) and splitting and I’ve never met any of them. My parents have tried to make contact a handful of times but I always told them to kick rocks.

So last week, I’m chatting with K’s daughters (19 and 17) and they mention that their cousins have wanted to meet me for a long time and were hoping I would be willing to meet them as well. I don’t believe they know everything that transpired between their dad and I, but I would be lying if I said I never had any desire to meet them. So everyone, I’m hoping to crowd source any ideas/suggestions on how I begin/maintain a relationship with P’s kids while also keeping him and A out of my life. Any suggestions are welcome.. ​

TL;DR: 20+ years ago my older brother caused my younger brother’s s***ide. Now his kids want to meet me and have a relationship but i don’t know how to have a relationship without my brother getting involved.. ​

Check out how the community responded:

NatsumiEla −  Did you already ask K’s daughters if their cousins know the truth? Since it is very important for you then maybe K’s daughters could help you figure it out as they seem to be in a good relationship with them.

RebelScientist −  I think this situation needs to be handled with care. I don’t think there’s any harm in meeting them, but you do need to be clear with them that you have no intention of seeing or interacting with their father. From your earlier comment it sounds like the kids are all adults, but since they’re still living with their father it might be best to hold off on the specifics of why you won’t talk to their dad until they’re a bit more independent. Your brother definitely sounds like the type that would blame you for “turning his kids against him”, and knowing the truth could make their lives more difficult while they’re still under his roof.

[Reddit User] −  Don’t have a relationship with those kids unless it’s gonna be based on honesty. Your older brother is, indeed, largely responsible for the needless death of your younger brother. I have no words for your parents. Your estranged brother’s children played no roll in your brother’s death so a relationship with them, to a point, becomes possible. However, I don’t know how you can have a relationship with them unless they know the truth. It’s time for your older brother and your parents to own their dishonesty and dysfunction. I’m so sorry for your heartache here OP.

Runnrgirl −  If it was me I wouldn’t touch that with a 10ft pole. There is too much unknown and too much potential for manipulation and hurt. Next stop: “Dear Reddit- AITH for beating my brother after he manipulated me to get money using his kids?” Even if your brother isn’t involved his ex wife may be. She’s just as bad as he is for cheating on J and letting him think he was going to be a dad. I remember my late teens and that was not a timw. In life where I was thinking about a long lost uncle that I had never met.

short_circuited_42 −  This is probably too late and but sharing my personal experience. My dad slept with my uncle’s wife and growing up I didn’t have a whole lot of contact with him due to living with my mom. However I spent summers on the family property and growing up I didnt know about what had happened but my uncle’s were always cold and angry with me and my siblings and to be honest it kind of hurt especially since they were nice a kind and understanding with my cousins.

I knew it was because if my dad as he was banned from the property but it just kind of sucked it got taken out on me. My mom never really talked bad about him and it wasnt till I was in my late teens/20s that I got answers to my questions from the family whether it was siblings aunts or mom and each time it came with the warning that it would change the way I saw him and once I knew there wasnt going back.

So tldr they arent thier father and from thier point it probably hurts a little that theyre held responsible and you dont need to go into details at first just a statement of you’re not speaking to your brother and when theyre older and really want to know y’all can talk about it then would suffice. But maybe a small get together with your other nieces and maybe sister might help if possible. Ultimately there’s not a whole lot to lose and you could gain some family. Just my opinion good luck.

Godless_Servant −  Had there ever been a blood test on the oldest? I’d be curious as hell. Tough situation man, the desire to tell them how big a piece of s**t he is would be high but i believe it’s more important to not tell them and let them discover for themselves, they probably have an idea anyways. If asked try to remain level and keep it brief. Focus on them and you in the now imo. If they want to meet you, i think thats fine, just keep it light and have a laugh.

BrokenPaw −  How old are they? Because one option would simply be to send word back through K’s daughters that you would love to have the opportunity to get to know them, but for reasons you don’t wish to discuss, you don’t want to have contact with their parents, so once they are adults, they should reach out to you and you would be happy to get together with them. Edit: Reading back, I see that at least some of them are already adults. So tell them that you are willing to have a relationship with them, but not with their parents, for private reasons.

throneaway2015 −  Since all three siblings sudden;y reached out together, I think this might be initiated by your parents, or there was some significant event involving your brother. There’s also a possibility that they didn’t know about you until recently, or that they only heard about your younger brother recently and they’re typically curious teenagers who want the gory story.

You could start by asking them, or at least one of them, why they want to get to know you. Remind them that you are not unwilling to communicate, but that you have absolutely no interest whatsoever in meeting with, or talking to your parents, or their father. See where it goes from there. Edit: I think it would be fair to also point out to them that you’re not their mom’s biggest fan, either.

[Reddit User] −  To be honest, I’d be very reluctant to meet them. It sounds like their college-aged and are probably in need a of financial support to pay for college/cars/housing or whatever. You’re single, established and probably have a healthy bank account.
Im single, 40, no kids and have nieces and nephews around their age. I’ve learned a few things over the years.

1. The Apple Doesn’t fall far from the tree.
2. Children’s loyalty is first and foremost to their parents. Children, even adult children crave their parents attention, love and approval. No matter what you say, I highly doubt they will believe your side of the story and given your brother’s nature, nothing would make him prouder than to have his kids weasel money from you.
3. In all my years of been a teen and young adult I never wanted to hang out or get to know people in their 40s. I was too busy having fun, being independent and hanging out with my mates. Especially in my late teens and early 20s.

If you were to go ahead and meet them, Id suggest a coffee met up somewhere neutral that you can walk away from quickly and quietly if you need to. No different than a Tinder date. You’ve lived your whole adult life, independent from your family and relatively free from drama. You know from growing up in a chaotic household, the true meaning of having a peaceful and contented life. Its the most valuable thing in the world. If it was me, I wouldn’t invite trouble to my door.

[Reddit User] −  I don’t understand how people can do that s**t.