How do I [m 45] help my wife [45 f] with loss of baby?

A 45-year-old husband is seeking advice on how to support his wife, also 45, after they tragically lost their newborn son. The baby, who was born healthy, had an undetected heart condition that led to his passing after three days. His wife is struggling immensely with grief, often retreating to the baby’s room, refusing to eat, and isolating herself.

Though she is attending grief counseling, it hasn’t been helping much. The husband is trying to navigate his own grief while also supporting her, but he’s unsure how to help without causing more tension, especially since she is upset with him for being the one who was holding their son when he passed.

‘ How do I [m 45] help my wife [45 f] with loss of baby?’

As you can see, my wife and I are older. We have a son and a daughter both in college and have been together for 25 years, and weren’t going to have any more kids. Then, she got pregnant.
It was great we were happy, we were ready, we are in a great position in our lives to have another baby. The pregnancy was fine, and we had no worries, then she had our son.

He had an enlarged heart that no one caught. I’m personally trying to cope with the fact that no one saw it. He lived for three days and passed and it was the worst experience of my life. I was holding him when he died. My wife is an absolute mess. We made the guest bedroom into the baby’s room and she goes in there and screams.

I’ll go home and she’ll be laying there with the things we bought him and bawling. She won’t go anywhere, she barely eats or speaks to anyone but me. She does go to greif counseling, but it’s not helping. I did go to a session with her once, she’s mad at me because I was holding him when he died. While I understand her anger, it’s misplaced.

Because that was incredibly hard and I’m still having nightmares about it… When I suggested maybe we should donate the stuff she had a meltdown. I could go on and on about all the things she’s been doing since the loss.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Upsethubs −  I had no idea how difficult this would be. She’s heartbroken, and so am I. I knew the second he was going to die because he got really tense for a few minutes and was gone. It was such a weird experience. Ya know since he wasn’t planned I didn’t think it would hurt this bad, but it definitely has.

babyrabiesfatty −  Therapist here. This is definitely complicated grief territory. It sounds like she needs a higher level of care. Do you feel able to talk to her about your concern for her? Maybe you could ask if you could come to a counseling session and talk about next steps with the professional.

Many times insurance will require a referral from a counselor to progress to a higher level of care. They have day programs that range from spending all day at a mental health facility for weeks on end to half days or a handful of hours a few times a week.

talkstoangels −  Maybe this is a really dumb suggestion, but when my baby sister died at three weeks old, my parents packed up and left for the beach for a couple weeks. They just wanted to get away. It wasn’t a celebratory vacation by any means but it took away the constant reminders for a few days.

It wasn’t an elaborate get away, they just packed the car and went to a quiet beach town during the off season. Certainly won’t be the cure all for this, but something to think about. I think having another child (me) that they needed to care for also helped them keep it together. Maybe you two could go visit your kids at college more often?

Also, it’s been 22 years since my sister died. My mom has had bad anxiety ever since and she’s never gotten help. Honestly, when we got the family dog (who is mostly her dog) it really helped her a lot. I know now would not be the time, but maybe consider it a long time off from right now.

These are just simple suggestions that you could do in addition to therapy and maybe medication. I wanted to pass along what helped my parents because while they will never forget, I think they have healed the best they could for what happened.

Ratfunk33 −  You need a better (or more intensive) grief counselor. I’m so sorry, OP. This is one of the most devastating losses a human can experience. I can’t imagine.

daddyslilmonstah −  First, I think there needs to be recognition from both of you that this is going to take time. A lot of time, maybe years (although I would warn you not to accept the severity of this grieving for years, I am just stating the wound could be fresh for a long time). The grief counseling might not work right away.

But please, continue to encourage her to keep going. I would recommend counseling for you as well, to have a safe space to work out your loss, and to have a safe space to worry about your wife. For right now, just be there for her. Allow her to grieve (as long as she poses no danger to herself).

It doesn’t seem like she is ready to move the baby’s things, so I wouldn’t suggest that again for a while. Take care of yourself, and be supportive. Cook her meals even though she is barely eating. Remind her she is loved, every day. Attempt to do little things to make her smile, even for a moment.

These types of wounds never truly heal, we just get strong enough to move through the pain. If you’re here for her in her time of need, she is going to appreciate this immensely when she looks back on this time.

Please reach out to your children as well and make sure they are doing well. They lost a sibling, and from personal experience I know that watching your parents go through something like this is horrifying. Make sure that they have access to any help should they need it, and that they are doing okay in their lives.. I wish you the very best.

rainyreminder −  How long has it been? And what would you define as “helping”, from the counseling? I ask because you may have a somewhat inaccurate idea of how long this is going to affect her and what grief counseling actually does.

owieyevwvsv −  My parents lost their son and my brother in a nearly identical situation. Normal pregnancy, no warning. Then he was born and he had a problem that no one had seen, he lived a few days and then was gone. It’s very hard. Even now, thirty years later, my mom still aches for the baby and visits him regularly in the cemetery.

And my dad, well i don’t think he does. It’s very different. My mom has told me about it, and she said that it hurt so much to lose him that she wanted to leave my dad despite their happy marriage. And it all came down to how my dad handled it, handled her, that saved them and their marriage in the end.

And i’m sorry, but now you have a huge responsibility that has been handed to you. You are going to have to let her grieve. To let her scream, to let her cry, weep, beg, plead, and fall asleep on his bedroom floor. And then you are going to have to pick her up and carry her to your room, and tuck her in. Kiss her forehead. Run her a bath. Give her time, space.

Cook for her even when she won’t eat it. Lay with her on his bedroom floor and just don’t say a word other than I love you. Take her to his grave in a few months and leave flowers, sit for hours or never leave the car. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to be hard. So hard. And i’m sorry you’ve got to take care of her while also grieving. But you’ve got this.. Good luck. Really.

rmric0 −  It may be good to look into grief counseling for both yourself and your wife, because I can’t imagine how devastating something like this might be. Even if you don’t really feel like you have to process like your wife does, getting some counseling could set an example (or at the very least you could get some tools to use to help support your wife).

[Reddit User] −  When a woman is pregnant her body is rippling with crazy body chemistry and horomones. Her body was preparing her for a baby. It wanted her to love and protect the child. Her body has become the problem. Even women with perfectly healthy happy babies get post partum. She is depressed and suffering physically.

She needs to be medicated and to seek a doctor who specialized in post partum. This is unique in that she had two issues. Her body has turned on her and she suffered a horrible lose. Two things. You got grief counseling, great. But until her chemistry is fixed it will be in vain. She needs medical help. I’ve also been in a helpless state of body chemistry.

Once I found the right thing I broke down in happy tears. I was free of my body’s cycle of suffering. Good luck and it might be a while but without medication, the right one, it will get worse and change her for the long haul in very negative ways. My sister in law never came back from post partum because she refused the medications even though she said they helped.

After a month of improvement she said she didn’t want to take them because she didnt feel crazy so wasn’t going to take “crazy people pills”. She’s been a shell of her former self since. 7 years now.

Losing a child is an incredibly difficult experience, and grief can manifest in many ways. If you’ve been through something similar, how did you support a loved one who was struggling with overwhelming grief? How do you cope with your own grief while helping your partner heal? Share your experiences and thoughts on navigating such a tragic and sensitive time.