How do I get out of a surprise family trip that was gifted to me?

A 26-year-old woman is facing a dilemma after her aunt booked a surprise 5-day vacation for the whole family. Despite her deep discomfort with her family’s behavior and her strained relationship with them due to a history of abuse, lack of respect for boundaries, and constant personal questioning, she doesn’t want to outright reject the trip and risk creating a family conflict. She’s seeking advice on how to navigate the situation without causing a fight. Read the full story below.

‘ How do I get out of a surprise family trip that was gifted to me?’

I (26F) have lived in a different city from my family since I was 20. My family are very family oriented, and I’ve always been the so-called black sheep of them. There’s 8 of us all together: me, sister, mum, then my mum’s sisters & their kids. My auntie has booked for us all to go on a 5-day vacation, as a gift. I had no say in this, and didn’t know it was happening.

There’s a few things here. My upbringing was horrible – mother was an a**sive a**oholic, quick-tempered, mean. She has calmed down now (though still drinks, and can get mean). She was horrible to me as a child, and being around her makes me feel insane, I’m so anxious, on eggshells. My auntie knows this. Still, she’s booked for us to stay in a room together for 5 days. I honestly felt like crying when I heard.

My family, generally, have no respect for boundaries. They’re loud, obnoxious and really overwhelming. They do all kinds of things that really upset me. It’s little things like constantly taking pictures of me even though they know I hate having my picture taken, or constantly touching me when they know it upsets me.

Every time I see my family, I end up arguing and looking like an a**hole because they’ll grab me or touch me and I’ll ask them and ask them not to, until they point where I flip out and I look horrible and mean, and then they just flip it over: “Oh but we never see you! We just love you!” I feel like being around them just wears me down entirely, they just keep pushing my buttons until I eventually give in, and it’s exhausting.

There’s the other thing too of them just questioning my lifestyle. We are from a small, rural town. Everyone works in factories or carework. I now work in a bar, in the city, and do creative things on the side. I’m also queer, and all my friends are queer.

There’s this constant berating of me, to the point where I feel as though I’m always needing to defend my choices, my views, my beliefs, my life, my friends. I know a lot of people go through that, it’s just exhausting.

Just over and over again questions about when I’ll get a real job, what I’m doing with my life, and then snide comments about my friends looking weird. There’s also the classic thing of just arguing with me about politics.

This annoys me because I never bring politics up (I know we disagree, we have done for the last decade! We dont need to talk about it!) but they’ll ask me my opinion on something, I will give it, and then they start telling me why that opinion is stupid. That is all of our conversations.

My two older cousins, who are on the trip, both have a habit of calling me slurs “as a joke”. This has been a pattern since I was about 4, and I’ve always allowed it because I was young. Now it feels like it will just cause a huge family blow up if I argue with it.

Lastly…. the trip is something I’m just completely not going to enjoy anyway. It’s an activity-based trip with loads of sports and things. Honestly my worst nightmare. Despite all this, I still want a relationship with them. I can’t straight up tell them that I don’t want to go, and release all these issues to everyone, so I need to find a way to get out of this trip.

TL;DR – My auntie booked a surprise family trip and I don’t know how to get out of it without causing a huge fight

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

bullzeye1983 −  Auntie, thank you for the thought and effort you took to put this together however due to my work and other significant commitments I have made, including financial, I won’t be able to take five days off for this trip. I hope everyone has a wonderful time and we can get together sometime else in the future.

Side note, you do not have to keep a relationship with people who do not respect you. And based on your post, they don’t respect a single aspect of your life, views, needs, or boundaries. It might be time to decide what you really want around you in your life and put your energy there. Not into people who don’t earn that, no matter what past connection you had to them.

Individual-Foxlike −  “Oops sorry, I can’t go. I’m busy that week.” “Personal stuff. You guys have fun!” You are hurting yourself by keeping a relationship with these people, but that’s a choice you can make. Tell them you can’t go, and don’t give details. Evade, shut down, redirect. The more details you give, the more they’ll argue with you and try to “convince” you to come.

turtle-turtle −  Boundaries aren’t about what you hope other people will do – boundaries are what _you_ will do in response to other people’s behavior. You can just say “oh sorry, that trip won’t work for me, hope you all have fun!” and that’s it.

You don’t need to justify, or explain, or rationalize or convince them _why_ you can’t go. I do not recommend “you guys s**k and have sucked for years” as a way to smooth things over, even if that’s the truth. But you don’t have to invent a different fake reason, either. You can just say “thanks but I won’t be going” and that’s it. If they start wanting to argue about it, change the subject, end the call, whatever.

If saying no to this trip which you weren’t given any input on planning or even asked if you wanted to go on ends the relationship, that says _a lot_ more about them than it does about you. That’s not a reasonable thing for them to end a relationship over! You can’t control how they feel, though, and they might get mad or have hurt feelings.

That’s their responsibility to deal with though, not yours, and part of holding boundaries is just letting people feel their feelings about what you’ve chosen to do without feeling like you need to fix it. (or worse, taking action to change your mind about what you said you’d do as a boundary, because you’re trying to make their bad feelings about it stop).

StripeTheTomcat −  You really should consider simply not going. You still want a relationship with them in spite of everything you listed here? Then you will engage with the members you want to engage with, separately and on your terms.

If you really can’t handle dealing with saying no this time, just say you tested positive for COVID, or you have some other illness that prevents you from travelling. It’s actually plausible to catch something since you work in a bar, so you interact with a lot of people on a daily basis.

TurtleDive1234 −  “That doesn’t work for me. I appreciate you including me though. Have fun!” And then do not respond to any attempts to change your mind. They get a “No.” exactly ONE time.

Dawn_Coyote −  If you’re the family s**pegoat, you fill a vital role in the toxic family dynamic, and it won’t quite work for them if you’re not there. They won’t have anyone to aim their negativity at, and they’ll aim it at each other instead. Chaos ensues.

Recognizing and understanding this might free you up to decline without any qualms. It will allow you to emotionally distance yourself from the group dynamic. Caring for them as people doesn’t mean that you have to participate in your assigned role. Step away with love and compassion, and the knowledge that their chaos does not have to be a defining part of your life.

Lgprimes −  I hate to say it, but I see a bout of Covid in your future, just a day or two before that trip. Stay home and take care of yourself.

VolupVeVa −  Frankly, although it’s hard, being honest is really the only thing that will make it so they stop this behaviour. I’m not talking about breaking it down into specifics like you’ve done here but something along the lines of:

“I know that you all value togetherness and see this trip as a way for us to bond. I really appreciate being included. But I just can’t participate in the ways you want because I have my own needs and boundaries that I must honour.

“In future I’d really appreciate it if you could give me some advance warning and include me in the planning discussions so I can consider whether it’s actually possible and accessible for me to participate.”

This can and likely will result in the pushing for more info or arguing about your refusal (especially since they are clearly used to crossing boundaries with you), so I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to be so honest. But if you don’t, there’s a very good chance this type of thing will just keep happening.. Alternatively:

“Thank you, Auntie! I really appreciate this generous gesture. Unfortunately I can’t come because I [have to work/have another commitment I can’t get out of/need to focus on my project for a deadline/etc]. I hope there’s time for you to find someone else to take my spot!” Or, the day of departure, you come down with the flu/COVID/Norovirus.

WhiteTeaBlackCoffee −  I’m coming from a similar environment, and I know how exhausting it can be. Honestly, as years have passed, I’m just blunt with them. I say what I think, and if I were you in this situation, I would simply say that I don’t want to go. And don’t feel guilty or bad about that.

And as for them criticizing your lifestyle, just let it go. I’ve learned that some people will never accept how I live and trying to convince them otherwise is just the waist of my energy and time. It hurts, especially if this is your family, but the hard truth is that they will never be happy even if you start living as they want you to.

There always will be something not good enough. Once I started to ignore my family’s comments about me, they also stopped talking about it. My advice to you is just to let it go. Once you lean to do it, believe me, you will be free and happy. I know it is difficult, but you will learn with time.

Countess_Sardine −  “Auntie, thank you so much for arranging this! Unfortunately, I can’t take five days off of work/have some unavoidable commitment/think I might have bubonic plague. Hope you all have a great time!”

It’s entirely possible that they might try to fight you on this! However, you are not obligated to participate. Calmly stick to your guns, and don’t engage when they try to bait you. You can’t control their actions, only your own.. Remember:

You don’t have to spend time with people who mistreat you.

You don’t have to care about the feelings of people who don’t care about yours.

You don’t have to accept gifts or favors that you don’t want.

You don’t have to do things that will make you miserable.

*You don’t have to spend time with people who mistreat you.*

Finding a balance between family expectations and personal boundaries can be tough, especially when old wounds and discomfort are involved. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt trapped by family obligations? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts below!